Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap – Blood is Not Thickah Than Wahda!

 

Move over Manzo’s!!  We have a new family in town and I love the shake up and change-up! Thank you Bravo!!

New Tag Lines for the Joisey Gals!

Caroline – “Life is about change, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches”
Teresa – “Ima Jersey Girl, no one can knock me down”
Melissa – “I live a life that most girls only dream of”
Jacqueline – “I can hold my own, I am my own person”
Kathy – “People say I am sweet, but I am tough.  Don’t cross me”

I just realized something, most of the other franchises have either apples, oranges, peaches or diamonds in their hands, do the Jersey gals hold anything in their hands?  We are famous for our summer time tomatoes.. would this do?

We got the juiciest racks of all Housewives!

The epic show begins with the Giudice family arriving to the Christening event and we have an elaborate party.  We have ice sculptures, baby portraits and lots of alcohol.  A fantastic combination to a #winning party!  The show starts right out of the gate at the Christening and a fight ensues!  I started the show 15 minutes late and I am now thinking the DVR didn’t record the beginning and no way Bravo will start the show in a scene that needs some serious back story!  “I was WROINNG!!”  (Marisa Tomei “My cousin Vinny”).  We now get the caption “One Week Earlier”….   phew.. I was really afraid I missed some key scenes and now we will get up to speed on what went down prior to the Christening.  I said a prayer in thanks.  In the name of the mudda, the fodda, the brudda and da sista.  Don’t ever skear me like that again Bravo!!!

http://mickeymouth1.wordpress.com/

We start at the pizza parlor and Teresa is conducting a book signing.  Joe is tossing some pizza’s and slicing meat to bring home his bacon.  Teresa is peddling her books to bring home her bacon.  Together, they are bringing home enough bacon to hopefully buy back their household items that were up for auction.

http://mickeymouth1.wordpress.com/

Caroline and family go to Hoboken to look at the apartment her sons are entering into a lease for.  Mama Manzo tries to keep a stiff upper lip but of course, Caroline cries since she would rather have her kids live at home until they are well into their 40’s until they are finally mature enough and no longer have a need to take dates to Midieval Times.  I don’t know about you guys.. but I do not have this empty nest syndrome and look forward to the day all kids are sufficiently independent.  Is that an actual possibility?  I have fears they will never leave.  Now THAT’S something to cry about.. seriously!

 

http://mickeymouth1.wordpress.com/

 Now we learn that Ashley is alive and well and interning in New York City.  Dang I wished those rumors were true that she would not be filming this year but I guess this is Jacquelines only story line of drama.  We learn that Ashley is not showing up or on time enough for the ultra skinny PR woman, Lizzie Grubman.  We also learn that Ashley blames it all on commuting and wants her own place in the city for a job with no pay.  Jacqueline doesn’t wait till they are in a private place to discuss the reality of her ‘pie in the sky dreams’, but further, makes Ashley look silly for such requests in front of the entire staff and Ashley runs out crying.  How old is Ashley again?  Where the hell did she adopt this sense of self entitlement from?  When is she going to act her age?  What kind of odd ring is she wearing that spans 3 fingers?  

Why am I asking so many questions that will never be answered in my lifetime? 

Why cant my tears get through to you!!

Ashley and Jac meets Chris for lunch to discuss how absolutely insane Ashley is and now Ashly is complaining that she has to wake up early and commute and no girl on this planet should suffer this miserable life!  Chris’s face is priceless as he tries to contain himself not to reach over the table and strangle this young girl into oblivion.  He has serious restraint!  When Chris tells Ashley he will pay for her commuting expenses Ashley really loses it now.  All her waterworks did not secure her an apartment in the city.  End Scene.

Teresa and Jacqueline have a sit down to discuss Teresa’s issue’s with her brother and sister in-law, Melissa and Joe.  Teresa is confused on whether or not you should invite your family to attend your book signing.  I can bet when she spoke to Caroline or Jacqueline on the phone regarding the book signing date, she would ask, “Are ya coming?”.  But I am certain Teresa never informed Melissa of a book signing date or location.  Didn’t she say they don’t talk?  But now Teresa is upset with Melissa or her brother for not attending.  We are going to split hairs all over this recap.  I love how Jacqueline assures Teresa with every issue she brings up, “It will all be fine”, “You are a strong woman”.  Lets get our lips injected more to feel better about ourselves.

We are now introduced to Melissa and Joe Gorga and Joe has no shirt on.  Hello camera’s!  Joe is beckoned to rub lotion on Melissa’s legs which results in a woody and now he wants to get his sexy times on.  Hello camera’s!  Do you think Melissa and Joe pre-planned all these camera scenes?   Melissa is wearing some kind of shimmering cocktail dress in the middle of the day with full on makeup and hair with a shirtless Joe who wants to rub her butt.

Melissa begins to complain about Teresa never telling her that her house is beautiful.  Why is it necessary for someone to swoon over your home?  How does this validate you?  What is the purpose of posing for the following ostentatious portrait? Is that her grandmothers table-cloth wrapped around her legs?

Grandma called. She wants her lace table cloth back!

We learn that Melissa knows her place in her marriage.  She is:

 ” A Cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a WHORE IN THE BEDROOM!“.

Then she flashes a huge smile just thinking about being a whore.  lmaoo  Just when I thought Bravo couldn’t find more outrageous pretentious people for casting, I have been proved wrong again.

While Melissa speaks of being a ‘whore’, she now shifts to the planning of the Christening and the anticipation of “welcoming her son into gods kingdom”.  I am not going to touch that one with a ten foot pole and you guys know what I want to say.  A Mary Magdalene she is not.

We are now introduced to Kathy, Teresa’s first cousin.  Melissa and Kathy really seem to get along and don’t have any of the issue’s Melissa and Teresa has.  As Melissa, Joe and Kathy sit down to lunch, they speak about their disappointment with Teresa not considering them family enough to be included in their public events over the past few years.  Sounds more like they wanted camera time in previous seasons and maybe Teresa blocked that?  Did she not ever plan to film with her brother for season 1 or 2?  We have seen other housewives family members but really up until now, we just learn of a brother from the same mother!  They speak of people who they are related to as “blood”.  Sounds like they are in a gang and not a family.

We are introduced to Kathy’s family and I think I am really going to like Rich her husband.  They have been married for 19 years and oh boy, he is not Italian!  I don’t know how she got away with this but I think she scored!  Rich says Kathy is “Sizzlin”.  That’s good enough for me!

How funny was Kathy riding her bike to the market.  I have no idea how far her home is to the market and I had to laugh.  This is the first NON pretentious thing I have seen so far in this episode.   Kathy is so right, what you do put in your mouth should be VERY IMPOTENT!  Right?.  Kathy talking to the grocer about food is hysterical.

Kathy to grocer:  “you know I am into veggies..” 

Grocer: (face drops, mouth hits the floor)

Kathy to grocer:  “And so many women are afraid of vegetables..” 

The grocer has no idea if she is speaking of cucumbers or dumb men.  After each declaration, she has a smile and tilts her head and I can’t tell if she is serious or fukin with the grocer.

The Manzo’s are attempting to cook a southern meal and their dialogue and cooking skillz are way off base and not even close to bordering on the mason dixie line.

The families are getting ready to attend the event and in Teresa’s house, its chaos.  The baby almost tumbles down the wooden stairs and I say thank god for makeup artists.  They multitask for various assigned chores.  Babysitting is beneath no one! as well as saving lives!

Look at da baby dabooboo

The wee lad who is the guest of honor is now ready to enter into ‘gods kingdom’ and I just heard angels sing!

Teresa is trying to get all the girls ready and avail herself to her glam squad and Juicy Joe is no help.  You see?  The makeup artist is now also playing the role of ‘get the husband in gear’.  I need one of those.   Now the hair stylist is getting the baby dressed.   Maybe Teresa is not as dumb as a bag of rocks as we thought!

We now learn that Joe has the ‘runs’ and wants to skip church.  Teresa proceeds to tell us what the runs are as if only they get afflicted.  Teresa says “the runs” like Jewish people say “cancer”.  Teresa swears that her stomach was rumbling as well and when she has the runs… “It aint no joke”.   I somehow think nerves are building for both Joe and Teresa in anticipation of interacting with family they have an estranged relationship with in front of Bravo Camera’s.

Melissa is freaking me out.  Again she is telling the baby that he is going to go to “Jesus’s Kingdom” in the back of the car on the way to the church.  

 A Christening/Baptismal is a sacrament which frees you from original sin.  This sacrament does not provide a rebirth or even allow the child to do the will of god.  Can we say, all this kissing her finger, signing the cross and babbling religion is a show to over shadow her “whoring in the bed” ways?  Hey she said it, I am just repeating it.  I didn’t make this stuff up folks!  It’s all beyond my years of experience!

The Look of Bankruptcy

Teresa arrives late to the Baptismal but does get a chance to kiss the baby and congratulate the parents.  They ask where Gia is and Melissa amazes me that she is annoyed that Gia missed the ceremony.  Melissa wanting Teresa to pull Gia out of her gymnastic competition is truly disgraceful.  For some of us who have children know damn well if a child misses one event for some sport organizations, they are expelled or it can make the whole team disqualified for competitions.

We USED to be best friends.. until we each got married!

Onto the venue and the bitch fest begins! Melissa claims she throws better parties than Teresa.  Teresa is comparing the number of guests at a Christening as a competition.  Both of these women are so much alike that they can’t stand each other.  Is it like looking in a mirror?  Who really digs on such inconsequential points?  Do they actually hear themselves when they speak?

Angry Joe offers Juicy Joe a shot to welcome him and Juicy Joe claims he “didn’t eat nuttin yet” and refused.  I had no idea refusing a shot of alcohol can be interpreted as being an asshole and disrespectful per Melissa and her husband.  Anyone?

OMG! I just served chili to a room of 15!

Back at the Manzo’s, there are burnt biscuits with the southern meal.   This is not going well.   This meal seems so dismal compared to what’s going on at the Christening.

Back to the Christening and Joe is holding court with family, talking about Teresa.   He feels excluded in her immediate family events and he has serious issues with Juicy Joe that they no longer eat Nutella together.

Gia arrives and is welcomed by Joey who is Gia’s godfather and he truly seems to love her regardless of her selfish needs to attend a sporting event that she is committed too.

Back to the Manzo’s.. it’s still boring… blah blah..  The Manzo’s seem really boring since Danielle is gone.  They have nothing interesting to talk about anymore and no longer need to plan how to avoid Danielle while calling her up to have meetings with her to tell her to stay away.   I never understood that.  I wonder how they will fare this season.  They are going to be so upstaged by this new drama.  We learn Chris is leaving the Brownstone and pursuing his dreams and I am wondering if he is going to open up that car wash/strip joint.  The kid is an idea man!

Joey is now working him self up by making an issue of Teresa taking the baby to dance with Juicy Joe and I can’t believe how dramatical these people are.  The whole table is contributing to working up Angry Joe and I can’t understand how they can make mountains out of mole hills.    Did they just flash the name for Melissa’s brother in law as “Joey”?  Joey is the new Smith.

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? GAHBIJ??

In great timing, this is when Teresa announces she is going over to talk to her ‘family’.  No Teresa!!  This is not a good time!!  Well Teresa didn’t hear me and she proceeds to try to break the ice with Melissa and Angry Joe and guess what?  Oh I forgot.. you all seen it too?  Angry Joe proceeds to immediately dismiss his sister and she wants an explanation.  Gia must have seen this before because she immediately comes to gently move her mother away from the scene while she looks totally heart-broken.  Joey is seething from roosting all day that he doesn’t even see his niece standing right in front of him while he behaves badly.  Teresa starts to walk away and he calls her the infamous word, ‘gabij’.  Melissa’s sister then jumps in on the action and wants to throw in her 2 cents.  Melissa tries to quiet them all and Teresa’s mother appears to draw Teresa away while Juicy Joe is looking on and you can see the steam burst out of his ears folks..  Then out of left field, here come Juicy Joe to defend his wife’s honor and charged like a bull in a china shop to Angry Joe and the crazy begins.

Poor dude in blue shirt preventing a fight ended up on floor in fight..

Now I can certainly understand Juicy Joe being upset, but to charge over to kick someone’s ass at a ‘religious’ celebration where he could have just left would have been a wiser choice with all the women and children in attendance.  Not to mention in the presence of the tall cross ice sculptor.  This reeks of  sacrilege for so many reasons.

LADIES!! Flank the Juicy! Close Ranks!

I have never seen so many women come out to keep the peace by wrapping their arms and bodies around the intended victims ensuring their safety by thinking no one is going to hit a women!  This is an amazing technique that I have never seen before!

Even the camera man gets knocked down to the ground!  The taunting by Angry Joe and now the spectators take this to a whole nother level!  Man I wish I was there.

Now two other male guests are scraping it out on the ground and women are screaming at full tilt!  I can’t see who is who because I am pretty sure the camera men where lucky enough to get the few angles that they did!  WHY WAS THERE NO WWHL AFTER THIS EPISODE!!  DAMN YOU ANDY COHEN!!!

**Update** – Per some very astute readers.. the scrape with the blue shirted man on the ground, you can hear a woman’s shrill “Get the gun!!”  Get the gun!!!!”  What the hell!?!?!?  You can’t carry a disclosed gun in Jersey!!!!

The best line of the night was the dude standing on the chair, with the blurred out face screaming..

“IT’S A KIDS CHRISTENING!  SHUT THE BLEEP UP AND STOP IT NOW!   WALK THE BLEEP OUT!  IT’S A KIDS CHRISTENING!!!!!!

The voice of reason has emerged like baby Jesus.   Well it was a religious event ya know!

Godfather’s of Bad Behavior

We hear from Melissa that her husband feels Juicy Joe has ruined the relationship between Angry Joe and his father.  Well somehow I don’t think the relationship with either Joes are not going to sit well with the ailing old man now.  Angry Joey should have used another time or place to address his issues with his sister and Juicy Joe should have never of started a physical fight at his nephews Christening Celebration dinner.   Why do I have to spell this out? 

People are now becoming hysterical and pretty soon I think someone will be sacrificed at the melting ice sculptor to wash away the sins that alcohol and petty issues induced.

Teresa grabs her crying children while looking for her mother and is concerned for her father’s health.  Angry Joey is still angry and now is holding court with his dudes and unable to calm down for the sake of the guests, children and parents.

It has been decided to get Angry Joey more tanked to calm down.  I think a cup of camomile tea would be a better substitute to relax then more alcohol.  Maybe a xanax?

YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME TO FLIP TABLES!!! I COULDA BEEN A STAR!!!

We have to endure more of Angry Joey truly take this drama to another level as he rails on his parents while his father is trying to catch his breath and telling his mother how cold she is.  The polite thing to do would be to give her your jacket.   My head is spinning and can’t imagine what was Sunday dinners like in their home.  We did learn that is where Teresa obtained the table flipping technique.  The level of drama here takes the cake for any episode of any Real Housewives franchise to date.

How funny that at the end of the episode, this one horse trick carnival, showed the guests departing the building and climbing into their expensive cars and tipping valets.  One thing comes to mind…

“Money Can’t Buy You Class!!!!!”

Jay Mohr – Blog Recap!

Empty Nests and Raging Bulls

Jay Mohr offers a comedian’s take on Episode 1.

 

If you want to Relive The Family Brawl, I have included the 7.4 minute video for your viewing pleasure.  I AIM TO PLEASE!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Real Housewives of New Jersey – Relive The Fami…, posted with vodpod