- The Plan is almost complete
Rumble in the Country Club (Part I) Ok…I truly debated writing about the Real Housewives of New Jersey at all. Quite frankly, with the exception of Danielle (who is out of her f*ckin’ mind), this cast is a snooze. And no…not because they’re “normal”. Give me a damn break. These bitches are not normal- but that’s of course what the argument would be for liking the RHONY better (OC or ATL). Nope. It is because the cast is boring and a one-trick pony. An entire family of clucking hens (do hens cluck?) versus one crazy bird.
Let me just launch all into this so I can’t get it over with…
This little gem of an episode opens with Caroline claiming to have “pre-empty nest” syndrome. WTF is that? At least wait to whine about being bored AFTER your kids are actually out of the house. After laying this ridiculousness out for her husband, he proceeds to tell her “Why don’t you get a job?” (LMFAO). He also makes it clear that he has no intention of spending more time at home…with her. Hahahaha! If it wasn’t so funny it would be kinda sad and awkward to watch. Not even a smidgen of sympathy crossed his face at any point in this episode for her new syndrome. Hysterical. She also wastes more minutes of our lives when she whines about this same shit to some random sisters of hers at lunch. I guess they needed to round up more of her siblings since snoozefest Dina left (how many of them are there anyway- 43?). And dam…isn’t her oldest child 24? And don’t 2 of the 3 work at the family business? It’s like she wants to stuff them all back up into her uterus. Lady…they’re a HUNDRED years old…let them spread their little wings and get the f*ck out. This isn’t a devoted mother, it’s a giant, red-headed pillow going around smothering her children. I have a job for Caroline if she’s bored…go be a den mother for MTV’s Jersey Shore cast. You’d fit right in. Y-A-W-N…moving on.
What The Fug Face?
Lunch with Jacqueline, Kim D. and…good Lawd. Teresa. Ew…Teresa makes my skin crawl. And this was even pre-$11million dollar bankruptcy. I try not to resort to picking on people’s looks but it’s sooo easy with her! Especially when she constantly talks about how hot she is and about hers and her Bedrock husband’s sex life (sour stomach EVERY time she does, by the way). She looks like E.T. in drag. Like invisible weights are hanging off her eyebrows dragging them down toward the ground. Why is her hairline trying to get acquainted with her chin? It’s SO weird- don’t act like you haven’t noticed it either! Her and her husband having sex is completely appropo…since it’s like Barney Rubble and one of the Geico Cavemen gettin’ busy. Stop talking about how pretty you are…cuz’ ya ain’t. Not to mention the fact that she sounds like Fran Drescher’s illiterate cousin. Listening to her and Jacqueline talk to Kim is torture- like, my eyes kept squinting. I used to like Jacqueline…until she revealed that she has the balls of a termite. She’s about as tough as al dente linguini, unable to assert herself to her daughter, her husband, her sister-in-law or her friends. No wonder Ashley (yuck) walks all over her. Grab a pair and stop looking for them at the bottom of a wine glass. I promise you, your balls are not at the bottom of your 7th glass of merlot. Anyway, these 3 cackling buzzards are sitting around talking about attending Kim D.’s fashion show for her boutique. And about Danielle…of course. Danielle is nowhere around and the women STILL bring her up. That is how it’s been all season. And it sucks because no one wants to like Danielle or feel bad for her. Cuz she’s nuttier than squirrel shit. But, it’s kind of hard not to dislike these other broads so much, that Danielle becomes less loathsome. Find something else to talk about. Kim D. is a two-faced, tacky bitch. And Danielle is a moron to continue to trust or expect anything out of losers like her. Find someone else to pretend to be friends with and another tiny boutique that sells bedazzled belts, bleach-wash jeans and fleur-de-lis accessories. There is probably 600 in that same shopping mall.
Of course this doesn’t happen because in the next scene, Danielle cranks up her crazy chip to 10 when her program tells her that yet another friend has betrayed her. Time to storm into Kim D.’s shop and start yelping about how the sales chick disrespected her by pointing in an offensive manner and not giving her the proper retail treatment as she so richly deserves. Dude…get over yourself. You know this chick isn’t your friend- why are you the only idiot who doesn’t get this? She JUST invited the girl (Ashley- yuck) who has been having a Facebook war with you, to walk in her fashion show…when your daughter is a signed, REAL model. Even though Danielle doesn’t yet know this, as an audience member knowing this, it just pisses me off that she’s so stupid. In real life, EVERYONE I KNOW, including the dumb ones, would see right through Kim D.’s bullshit. I don’t feel bad for you, Danielle. You’re no spring chicken- you should know better. Kim D.’s a bitch in wolf’s clothing. There is NOTHING warm about this chick.
Back to stupid ass Teresa and Jacqueline drinking (big shocker) and going to the great and powerful Ozoline, to get her sage advice on going to Kim D.’s fashion show. *Sigh* I’m too bored to even finish typing this part. Cliff’s Notes: “We want to go but Danielle will be there- what do we do great Ozoline?”. Ozoline’s reply, “having date night with Mr. Ozoline…so I can’t go. I see drama so you shouldn’t go either.” That’s about it. Anywho…
Now it’s fashion show time…and it’s getting real late in the episode (looks at clock). Dammit Bravo! Why do you keep pretending that we are finally at the only episode that we are really watching this lame ass show for? They have been dragging it out for like…4 episodes. It’s irritating. They know this is what we are waiting for and everything else we could give 2 shits about. So, this is right about when I realize that I have to wait AGAIN for this “showdown”. Whatever Bravo (eyes rolling).
About Ashely: She’s an adult, she lives with a boy and has sex. So, she’s not a child and she’s fair game. She is not attractive outside and apparently, inside either. She’s disrespectful, ungrateful, spoiled, lazy and a brat. Get a job and stop cursing out your mom on poker knight in front of company, you little bitch. Oh- and the hours you spend on Facebook having a war with a damn-near-50-year-old woman could very well be spent on Career Builder makin’ a fucn resume. You’re a moron and your mom is too weak to control you. I say all this to say that after she gets all spackled up for her big walk on the little runway, Kim D. told her that “it takes a lot of work to do it, but you look good.” LMFAOOOOO!!! But it’s true, so suck it Ashley.
The fur shrug twins arrive- Teresa and Jacqueline. And Kim D.’s fake ass has the gall and audacity to seat them at her table…across from Danielle. Seriously? Were her clothes that hideous and her show so boring that she had to literally set up the powder keg and lighter between Danielle and uh…Teresa, Jacqueline and Ashley? So transparent- just like your heart…cuz it’s made of plexiglass. She’s a cold reptile of a person.
Now the fashion show is underway and hideous Jersey couture is glittering down the runway. Snookie boufants, gold sweaters and orange spray tans- oh my!!! It was absurd. Teresa is calling out, “Oh I want that! I like that!”. Bitch please stop buying ANYTHING. And shouldn’t she be at her bankruptcy attorney’s office or at a yard sale selling shit? Why is she anywhere NEAR a retail situation? Adding to the absurdity, Danielle, feeling so very “dissed”, was pretending to be on the phone and ignore what was happening 3 inches away. Apparently, she went to The Paris Hilton school of Dissing, because she said- and I quote, “Paris Hilton taught me that…just pretend you’re on the phone. People hate that!”. Anyone who takes advice from the likes of Paris Hilton deserves whatever they get. So, you lose honey. It’s now time for Ashley to Shrek her way down the runway…as Danielle maturely refers to as a “coke whore” under her breath and then insults the level of model-walk that she has just seen on the runway. Are you for real, lady? Geez.
Once Ashley sits down at down at Kim D.’s table of stooges, it was on and crackin’. Little idiot Ashley is looking at Danielle and waving “hello” and both tables of GROWN ASS WOMEN are giving the evil eye to another. Huh?! Who acts like this? These are upscale people? Teresa’s states that it was like high school with the “cool girls” and the “mean girls” going at it…but her side was “definitely the cool girls”. Yea Teresa. Sure you were a cool girl- hahahaha! You would only be cool and pretty if you went to school with Pebbles and Bam Bam or in outer space. If she’s as ooogly as she is now, then she must have been a circus act in her teens. May we never be subjected to those pictures. But at least we understand why she and Encino Man were attracted to one another, even back then.
Finally, the fur shrug twins are in the hall- this is after Jacqueline leaves to search for her grown, trouble-making daughter, but finds another trouble-making grown woman waiting in the hall for Danielle. Teresa says that she just wants to say “hello”. Alrighty then. By saying “hello” she means, starting all kinds of shit. Danielle actually appeared to be sane as this scene progressed (I thought I was just getting sleepy). Teresa is such an immature, angry, trouble-making, name-calling troll. Only someone actively looking for drama AT SOMEONE ELSE’S EVENT would want to say “hello” to someone they talk shit about every second of the day. She had the nerve to say she is so “nice” and that’s why she just had to say hello. Can we all guess how this went boys and girls? Yup. Teresa is condescending and phony right off the bat. Crazy Danielle actually remained calm while Teresa spun her shit. She even blamed Danielle for that classless table flip she did (which she turned around and reenacted for a Bravo commercial). Teresa resorts to calling Danielle “honey”, to which Danielle says “don’t call me honey”. Teresa responds by saying, “I don’t want to call you honey ‘cuz you’re an old hag”…says the fur covered troll. And we finally hear the season’s tagline from the troll: “Is bitch better?” Um…I’m going to err on the side of caution and say that “bitch” probably is, in fact, not better. But Teresa’s a raving moron, so she probably didn’t catch that.
This is where we’re at folks. It’s all a bit “eh” (shrugs shoulders) for me. But, hopefully next week will make up for a fraction of having to sit through this season. Until next week…wait, scratch that. It’s 2 weeks…cuz Bravo is an asshole for dragging this out as long as they possibly can. So until July 12th (and this shit better be good).