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Celebrity ReHab – Season 5: Episode 1 “Intake”

Posted by mackieandtheboys on June 29, 2011

Too Hot For Teacher!


 I Wanna’ Be A Celebrity rehab

This is one of those shows that started out well-intentioned.  Dr. Drew Pinsky welcomed addicts into his Rehab Center.  We viewers got a taste of the path an addict takes on the Road to Recovery.  Flash forward a few years and the intention is lost.

Welcome Ceremony

Enter some Z list celebs.  First up, The Long Island Lolita, “I shot Mrs. Buttafuoco” Fisher.  WHAT?  Don’t you stay in jail for a very long time for attempted murder?  Nope, she stayed six years.  Now she is an A lister in the Adult Movie world.  Her addiction, she has to drink to survive making porn.  I’m attempting a guess here but maybe drinking might make porn a teensy bit more fun.  Anyway, Dr. Drew amuses us with a few questions.  “Do you drink every day?  She, “No”    He asks, “Do you black out and do inappropriate things”?   Stop right there Drewster.  Isn’t that the point? She drinks to make porn.  He wants to know if she does other inappropriate things like any of that would measure up to wearing that saddle.  Geez!

Next up, Jim Jackson, Hogan Buchannan from Baywatch, Who? He was a child on Baywatch. I don’t remember him.  What with Hoff showing his pecs and Pamela Anderson bouncing her pecs who saw this kid?   Meth was his drug of choice.  He is now 10 years sober.  What a surprise, he wants to get back into acting.  He decided to be the next Rocky.  In order to get into the role and gain entry via reality TV, he has started shooting up steroids.  We are treated to ol’ Jim injecting steroids into his very fine behind.  He enters ReHab with a moving van .  Poor Shelly the ReHab tech has to examine every single thing.  She finds a machine that purifies water.  ReHab has bottled water but the Rocky wannabe informs Shelly that bottled water eab RRAnnounces causes bisexuality.  Shelly says that hasn’t worked for her.  ZING!  Shelly is the woman to watch this season.  He of course interviews with Dr. Drew and is naming cow drugs that you would never recognize that he shoots into his beautiful bum.

Sean Young really used to be a celebrity. Twenty years ago, she was brilliant in “No Way Out” for the past 20 years, not so much.   She is a known Hollywood crazy.  Wanting to be Catwoman, she charges onto the set wearing the Catwoman costume and begins hurling verbal abuse.  Guess what, she didn’t get the role. Later she shows up drunk at the Director’s Guild awards.  Seems, everyone needed to be heckled so she proceeded to do that and found herself azz down on the asphalt outside, courtesy of security.  Her next career highlight was Skating with Bethenny.  That didn’t do much for her career so we have the crazy broad here in Celebrity ReHab.  Cut to Shelly going through Sean’s belongings looking for alcohol.  Did you know that alcoholics seek cosmetics for a fix?  Sean wants to know who else is here.  When she is told of the presence of The Long Island Lolita, she wonders why the woman isn’t in jail.   Then she asks, a great question and this is Need To Know information.  “She’s not killing anyone lately is she?”  Shelly, without cracking a smile says “it’s a one off”.

Bai Ling an actress from Hollywood.  She is supposed to have been in “Red Corner” with the Officer and a Gentleman. I swear, I can’t find her in IMDB.  Her problem is that she is a party girl.  She drinks and does crazy things.  We are treated to her entry, drawing in chalk on the sidewalk. I’ve gotta tell you, the girl is half a bubble off plumb when sober  She shows us her acting chops while moaning about going inside.  This is going to have to be a ripping ReHab to put her back in movies.   She also has stolen two magazines and batteries from an airport gift shop & was arrested.  Oh, just perfect. Two criminals on one show though little Bai needs to work on her crimes if she wants to compete with Lolita.    Drew asks, have you ever done anything you regret while drinking, duh?  I am paraphrasing her but he essentially asks if she is hungover the next day.  Where did you get your degree Dr. Drew?  Hungover is what everyone gets the next day.

The next one really confuses me.  It is Michael Lohan, Has he ever been a celeb?  I guess that he can talk about his daughter and he does almost immediately.  He had a coke habit but is 6 years sober but he drinks a bit.  It runs in the family.  I looked under his skirt and I did not see Kim Granatell with him.  I was thinking that the two of them together would be a Zlist celeb.  No biggie, he has his baby in his back pocket to make an impression.

Finally there is a sad story. Steven Adler is an old friend who has been through ReHab twice.  He has a heroin addiction that he can’t shake.  Steven is the real deal, an amazing drummer who went to the top with Guns and Roses. He was fired by Guns N Roses.  Getting fired from that rock band  ought to tell you just how addicted he is.  While in Sober house the last time, Jennifer the house-mother had to call the police for his violence.  I watched that scene.  I would have smacked her and claimed that I was addicted to chocolate.   He was arrested for possession of heroin at “Sober House”.  Now Jenn is a ReHab tech.  She is a recovering alcoholic and former runway model.  We get to see her acting chops.   in the final scene.  Jenn has been traumatized by Steven.  She charged him while he was protecting his stash.  You don’t take a dog’s bone.  Anyway, it is a total surprise that he is there because of course they didn’t screen before filming.  These people just walked in the door.  Sorry Jenn, you get an F for acting but I am just crazy about that sparkly tank top.   Next week we get to see that play out.

** I cannot poke fun at Steven Adler.  He would like to play music again but really has to get past this.  He is such a sweet guy when sober.  His friend in ReHab, Mike Starr died of an overdose on March 8, 2011.  Coincidentally while finding and talking about my former classmates while planning a reunion, I discovered that our sweet Mike also died of a drug overdose.  This show is for entertainment purposes only. I wish that Steven Adler was in a real Re-hab.

Meet the rest of the cast below.
Michael LohanMichael Lohan
Known for: Fathering Lindsay Lohan, tabloid appearances and well, that’s pretty much it.
Sean YoungSean Young
Known for: ‘Blade Runner.’ Recently, though, Young is probably better known for crazy antics, such as constructing a homemade Catwoman costume and lobbying for a part in ‘Batman Returns.’ She recently competed on ‘Skating With the Stars’
Amy FisherAmy Fisher
Known for: Shooting Mary Jo Buttafuoco, the wife of her lover, Joey. After being released from prison, Fisher became a writer … then a porn star.
Steven AdlerSteven Adler
Known for: Guns ‘n Roses. In 1990, Adler was fired from the rock band because of his heroin addiction.
Bai LingBai Ling
Known for: ‘The Crow.’ Ling became a serial guest star on shows including ‘Lost’ and ‘Angel,’ and appeared on the VH1 reality series ‘But Can They Sing?’ (She can’t.)
Jessica KiperJessica “Sugar” Kiper:
Known for: ‘Survivor.’ The ‘Survivor: Gabon’ runner-up contestant went on to appear in a handful of TV shows and movies, including a small role on ‘Angel.’ She appeared on ‘Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains’ and was the first voted off the island.
Jeremy JacksonJeremy Jackson
Known for: ‘Baywatch.’ Jackson played Hobie Buchannon on the hit lifeguard series, but said he left the show because of his drug problem. Since then, he’s made several talk show appearances and done a variety of voice work.
Dwight GoodenDwight Gooden
Known for: Baseball star. Gooden played for both the New York Mets and Yankees. Since his retirement he’s been plagued with legal problems, many involving his substance abuse issues.

3 Responses to “Celebrity ReHab – Season 5: Episode 1 “Intake””

  1. G-sus said

    Oh, how perfect would it be if Dr. Drew and VH1 completely edited out any existence of the Salami’s out of the show. (A girl can dream can’t she?) It’s bad enough that we will have to put up with Michael Lohan and his fake attempt at rehab, don’t need to see Michaela and her fake MS bull.

    I agree about Steven. He is such a sad case. When he is sober, you can tell that he is deep down a nice guy, but he has wrecked his brain on drugs. I remember him telling Dr. Drew about his childhood and how he was basically left to raise himself. So sad.

  2. Grace said

    Great blog, Mac! I didn’t know you could write more than 140 characters! Haha! Seriously, really good job. I didn’t watch the first episode yet but I plan on watching over the weekend.
    So glad you are blogging. You’re funny and i enjoy you on twitter and now on the blog!

    • I love celeb rehab too. I have a friend who now thinks they can hang out a shingle from all they have learned on this show. cracks me up.

      G-Sus – I am wondering the same thing about Salami. I am wondering if they will edit them out..


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