Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap – Melissa “Chante, you stay,” Teresa “sashay away.”
Posted by ImaJustSaying on May 24, 2011
It’s Halloween folks at The ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey” and this is actually my favorite holiday. I used to love dressing up the kids and apply award-winning ghoulish makeup to wee faces. I had a rule, once you reached the age of 5 years, if you wanted to be Cinderella, you had to be a dead Cinderella. If you wanted to be a Nija, you had to be a dead Ninja. My house, my rules.
The Manzo’s/Laurita’s are carving pumpkins which is a seguay for the families to grill Teresa on what happened. They have to practically pull it out of her and Caroline gets right to the matter at hand while the kids are present. Teresa claims on her blog that the kids were removed from carving pumpkins and dishing dirt, but the camera don’t lie. Also while she is telling the story, I can see a baby’s hand fondle her hair. A prerequisite to being a Real Housewife is to be a big fat liar. Ok to be fair, the baby was handed off for a diaper change an the other kids got bored and went in the yard to play.
Teresa’s side of the story is that when she became busy and getting a lot of attention for her book, that was the beginning to the strained relationship with Melissa driving home the nail on the coffin. (Halloween theme) 😉
Teresa said she just walked away and then heard banging on the table. Camera cut to Joe giving his version with the guys and said was just strolling up the stairs and the “little fidget” came after him. I don’t remember it this way. It’s great when you can tell a story to people who were not there so you can change the actual events. But Joe isn’t smart enough to know that Bravo will be airing this, over and over again.
Caroline wants to know if the children were present and Teresa can’t give a straight story. Jacqueline ask’s Teresa “Where was the baby in all this?” Teresa’s response:
“I don’t know, I mean I don’t even know where my, uh please. I don’t even wanna think about this cause it makes me sick to my stomach.”
So did Teresa just say she didn’t know where her kids were at that moment when the chit hit the fan? (I was contemplating posting a pic of chit hitting the fan but thought I did enough of that with the RHONY recap.
Caroline is worried about the upcoming fashion show and encourages Teresa to make nice with her sister-in-law Melissa to ensure that the Brownstone does not have a huge stampede of women dressed in animal prints running with their cell phones to grab a pic for the tabloids. I would have paid a few bucks for a scooped picture.. Since I don’t have any inside people, I just make them up myself.
Back over the other side of the dramatical tracks, Melissa and Angry Joe are at Kathy’s home for dinner to tell their side of the story. But its a very dramatical one. Rich asks how the wee lad who was supposed to enter into “Jesus’s Kingdom was doing after he actually entered into a war zone hosted by satan! Angry Joe’s was thanking god that the baby didn’t see it. I am not sure if the baby is truly old enough to get damaged but something tells me has seen this before and it won’t be the last time.
Melissa tells us that the core issue for her was when Teresa was dancing with the baby on the dance floor and I can’t even imagine a worse act. I do imagine that the child was passed around from Grandmother to Grandmother so they can get their party on, so why Teresa holding the baby on the dance floor could be viewed as such a crime to invoke Satan’s den?
Then Melissa goes on to say that when they attended Audriana’s Christening, they were not acknowledged or given much camera time? I think this is the real issue here. Teresa said on WWHL that she has been too busy since the release of her first book and in Jacquelines blog, she states that Teresa hardly ever spoke of her brother and Melissa. She went on to say that even thou she knows Joe and Melissa attended family events, she never saw Teresa engage with them. DING DING DING!! Ok, now that we are down to the REAL core issue, it still doesn’t make any sense to me. Their issues with each other are so petty and embarrassing to everyone.
As for the comments as knowing your place at other people’s events, I don’t know. When ever I arrive to an event, people know I have arrived because I am that fabulous.
Melissa is explaining away Angry Joe’s bad behavior to Teresa because.. “He just couldn’t take it anymore” due to her fakeness? So if someone is fake, you first invite them to a ‘Sacred Day” event and then when they try to say hello, you rip them a new arsehole for good measure? The length these people will go to for excusing themselves of bad behavior amazes me. I would be embarrassed and hiding my head in a bowl of spaghetti if I behaved like that.
Now for the look. It appears that Teresa is aware of a look that Angry Joe gives you that would be the appropriate time to retreat or get a beating. Melissa confirms this. Kathy even weighs in on how Teresa should have known by the look alone.
At this time Angry Joe explains why he snapped was because he was hurt and blames all the venom spewing from Juicy Joe for abuse! He starts to lose his chit again and Rich is getting nervous and the table starts to get pounded. I want to see peas and carrots fly off the table again! Rich now explains something very interesting. Teresa had placed her brother high on a pedestal and always bragged about Angry Joe to everyone including Juicy Joe. The Theory is that Juicy Joe couldn’t help being any old Joe and wanted to be the Ultimate Joe. No Joe-king.
So now Teresa is also in the wrong and “not right” for speaking highly of her brother. Oy Vey. Rich now is sounding like Caroline and wants them to patch things up. Also having concerns for the fashion show.
Melissa and Kathy go to the Posche shop and Melissa models a few outfits for Kim D and Kathy and this is where Kim D invites Melissa to walk for the fashion show. Kim G arrives and tries to grill Melissa and Kathy for dirt on Teresa and the ho down at Satan’s Den and the girls don’t give it up or engage in bashing on Teresa. WTG GALS! Actually, this scene appears so staged. Just so happens that Melissa appears to be shopping at Posche where Kim D invites her to walk in the show and what a coincidence that Kim G shows up! Also Melissa tried on many outfits while demonstrating a runway walk is also a coincidence but walked out with no shopping bags. Bravo.. you slipped up.
Caroline arrives at Laurens new place of business and she is very proud. Lauren thou is not so proud of her mothers outdated look and wants to give her a make over. Lauren I think is looking forward to Albie and Chris moving out so she can get closer to her mother. Poor Lauren. We see in a few scenes this season that she feels invisible. You would expect your kids to outgrow the feeling that one is favored over another but it doesn’t happen. Believe me. Caroline is already telling Lauren that she won’t have the safety net of mommy and daddy much longer even thou they still support their oldest son and wants him remain at home forever. So, instead Lauren getting mad, she gets even with her mother for feeling like a step-child.
It’s Halloween and it’s time to take the kids out to Trick-or-Treat. Gia is not digging her mothers costume and I think she is getting to the age where your parents simply embarrass you for existing but in poor Gia’s case, she is going to get the “my parents are so embarrassing” times 10. “Super T” was not a super costume according to her kids. No need to make sure everyone knows how super you are.
Melissa and Angry Joe are getting ready to attend an adult Halloween party in costume. Per Melissa, Joe looks like Teresa and she WANTS to be attracted to him and now she is annoyed that she wont be getting the vapors. Melissa and Angry Joe meet up with Kathy and Rich. Kathy takes one look at Angry Joe and is saying Angry Joe looks like Teresa while envisioning a train wreck. The doorbell rings and guess who? Kim G and Kim D. Let me ask you people a question. When does one become to old to be wearing a Halloween costume of the “kinda” hooker style? If its back in fashion, I am going to retrieve my 6 inch stilleto’s, booty shorts and tassles out of the attick. Wait, are they all in style now? How do you differentiate between a hooka and an average Jersey Gal?
The crew heads to a night club and the patrons look like ‘seizure village’ on crack. Kind of reminds me of those public Swinger Night Clubs in the 70’s. Anyone remember Plato’s Retreat?
The ladies (and I am using that term loosely) discuss the angst of attending the fashion show and discuss if the world is big enough for Teresa AND Melissa. If we ask Teresa, she will tell us that we will just have to tune in to find out.. yeah yeah.
As the Brownstone prepares for gaggles of animal print wearing Joisey gals to arrive, Caroline checks in with Albie to obtain security details. Bravo didn’t have pictures but my moles did as security was posted at every cobble stone stationed outside the Brownstone.
Teresa heads over to Jacquelines to get their drink on to calm their nerves. I totally support vino for medicinal purposes. Teresa appears to sound like she wants to be civil and lets see how that plays out. Jacqueline suggests to Teresa that she should not be confrontational and Teresa claims; “I am never confrontational”. Ok seriously now, Either Teresa has a serious brain malfunction of some disorder or does she Claim the 5th for everything?
Kathy and Melissa heads over to the strip mall to get their hair did. Melissa wants an apology and I hope she is not holding her breath. Teresa wants Melissa to contribute to mending fences and Melissa wants Teresa to pay and construct a new fence to keep her ass out of her life. If I close my eyes, I wouldn’t know who is who.
Kathy speaks again on how she single-handedly saved all the children from harms way at the Christening Brawl now referred to as Satan’s Den. Kathy really thinks a lot of herself and does not see how she can be passive aggressive and a bit of a shit stirrer! She feels her “motherly instinct” is greater than Mother Teresa’s.. (no the real one) and she must act on a good conscience and an opportunity to praise herself.
We are now at the Brownstone and Melissa is in the glam squad room getting makeup and in walks in Teresa and Jacqueline. Teresa mosey over to Kathy and gives a kiss hello and the same to Melissa. Melissa remains as still as an ice cube and doesn’t lean in for the air kisses or hug. Mind you she is getting her makeup done. Jacquelinee said her hello’s and Melissa engages in conversation with a smile. Teresa is watching carefully across the room and now Teresa is trying to convince us that she is unphased. Yeah I believe that. Caroline walks in now and heads over to Melissa to introduce herself and Melissa backs away from the makeup artist this time and leans in with a kiss and flashes her pearly whites! Teresa is watching with a face that looks like she may be getting the runs! She starts to call Carolines name.. loudly!! Kathy enters their little conversation and Caroline is being very gracious to welcome them into her home and Teresa shrills her name again!! Teresa now tells us that Caroline is her friend and not Melissa and Kathy’s. Oh geeze Teresa. Did you pick that line up from your kids at a playdate?
The Fashion Show is under way with fur boots and animal print shoes. Did you expect anything less? Melissa enters the enormous room filled to over-capacity and as she reaches her table, the cheering and hootin and hollering puts a huge smile on her face. Kim D wants the models to go and eat first and then come back to change. I have never heard of this in my life. Who would eat a huge meal then try to squeeze into a form fitted dress and walk a runway for like 500 people? NOT ME!
As the Gorga table is saluting and clinking glasses exclaiming.. Sisters!! Sister in-laws!! Teresa carefully moves over to her table with Jacqueline an no cheers or salute’s! The stares back and forth from the tables crack me up. Why does Melissa’s sister Lysa stare at Teresa sitting at her table and turns back around to mouth “What the F*CK!!” Is it because while you were staring at Teresa’s table, Teresa and Jacqueline turned around to gander at their table as you were just doing the same? Well I say, What The F*CK Lysa!!
If this couldn’t get any more twisted, who walks in? Kim G. Caroline see’s this and quickly orders a drink for Teresa. Caroline is a true friend in my eyes. A girl who can recognize when a drink is needed is my kind of gal! Kim G heads over to Melissa’s table and Teresa is now seething her brains out. As Kim G gets an introduction to the ladies you can literally see the steam explode from her ears like a volcano and immediately Carol and Kim D try to get Teresa to focus on them and look away from the cleverly orchestrated entrance by Kim G to incite table flipping of the epic kind! I rewound this part like 5 times and since I was so focused on Teresa, I failed to notice Jacqueline’s face ready to explode in laughter while side glimpsing at Teresa! Teresa wants to know why Kim G is talking to her family and then remarks on Kim G’s maturity level and age. What Teresa failed to realize is that Caroline and Kim G are pretty similar in age group and they make sure Teresa is aware of her idiotic statements.
The throw down for fabulosity stars with Jacqueline walking the runway and we believe Jacs when she said “walking on the runway is not my thing.” Jacs is not comfortable throwing her hair back or jerking a hip or cocking a neck, ala Garden State style.
Melissa emerges on the runway strutting her “Chante’, Stay” cat walk and killed it! She did so amazing and with people cheering that Kim D sent her back for a second time. Somehow I picture Melissa practicing for this very moment since she was 5 years old infront of the mirror. Caroline had a look of WTF face as she realizes that this mess is going to be bigger than she thought. Melissa truly can rock it and compete with Teresa for “Fabulosity”.
Teresa gets ready to take the runway and looks really stressed or nervous. She passes Melissa in the hall way and no words were spoken or eyes exchanged. BRRRRRRR. Ok, Teresa did not rock it as she “Sashay, Away”. Caroline is worried for Teresa and all her latest publicly made financial issues and thought Teresa’s soul has been seized with her assets and auctioned off.
Melissa finds her mother in-law accidentally and was surprised to see her. Don’t these people use their phones? Do they ever talk to each other? Melissa goes over to greet her MIL with a kiss and then does the same to Teresa’s MIL and the icy look and folded arms from Juicy Joe’s mom was chilling! Juicey Joe’s mom then gave a long knowing look to Angry Joe’s mom and maybe the Anger that Angry Joe feels regarding his parents may have some validity.
So far so good and the Fashion Show is a big success.. rut ro.. Kathy walks into the back area where Teresa is receiving congratulations and high fives only to be lored into a private room so her and Kathy can have a chat. Everyone surrounding Teresa gets leery for Teresa’s safety and ability to remain calm. REMAIN CALM TERESA!!
Kathy wants some explanation on what went down at Satan’s Den and as Teresa begins to explain, Kathy sort of nods her head in agreement but you can tell it was not sincere. She appeared to know everything already and just wanting Teresa’s side of the story and I am not sure what Kathy is trying to achieve here. You can already tell that Teresa is in fear of being judged for the events at the “Explosion Christening” and to be truthful, what is the objective in making her relive this at a fashion show? Was this really the time or place for this? Kathy acts as if “I took her in a quiet place for privacy” but really Kathy? There are camera’s and microphones over your head. I do not think Kathy had good intentions in speaking with Teresa and it appears she has her own axe to grind or has decided to take sides with Joe and Melissa. Kathy we are onto you! Your new to reality TV and we are not!.
Now this is where Teresa shoots herself in the foot. Just as I was thinking that Karma has bitten Teresa in the ass hard, and maybe was feeling a little sorry for her, she found herself dumbfounded with Kathy’s questioning and had this comeback.
“Do a, what about you? As soon as, as soon as the incident happened, you took off”
Teresa Teresa Teresa, if I was there with my kids, the last thing I would have done was order a drink and hang out. Why does this make Kathy look bad for leaving a party that got out of control? How does this make any sense? Why are you questioning the age of the children as if they are old enough to witness a brawl? When is it ever okay to allow your children to be a witness to grown men fighting and gun retrieving?? WTF!?!?!?!!?
Well Teresa, you opened up the door. Kathy now tells you that at least she got her kids out of there and somehow you didn’t know where your kids were at the time. THIS IS SO BIZARRE!!!!
Teresa is now making an argument that her kids where NOT LEFT ALONE as Kathy has said, but instead where “Unattended”. Teresa, I can’t cover for you anymore. You are really making me look silly for having an ounce of sympathy but seriously woman, you need to acquire a vocabulary so you may better express yourself.
Teresa nearly loses her chit again and decide’s she is DONE! DONE DONE DONE!!!
Teresa is more concerned now that Kathy may have rescued her daughter from the fray instead of thanking someone for watching out for her kids where truly, the crap went down so fast while the main characters were right in the middle of it.
Teresa now runs over to her mother and MIL to tell them that Kathy claims to have attended to the baby and somehow this is an insult even before the mom’s knew what was exchanged or said. Teresa’s mother runs over to Kathy to tell her she should be ashamed of herself. She has no idea what is going on!
Teresa is lit up and the thought of someone who may of suggested that her children where unattended (Teresa finally got that one worked out) is enough for her to start pacing and looking for a table to flip.
Melissa then tells one of her people to just drop it while Teresa is running around the room and grabbing chairs? Teresa is ranting and she over hears Melissa said “Why always yelling and screaming, everyone just stop” and Teresa did that, dead in her tracks and fires at Melissa, “Isn’t that what your husband always does?” Teresa, again I am back to your affliction with a short memory of some sort. While you are yelling and screaming and calling people out for using soft voices, you then direct your anger towards Melissa? Melissa responds with “My husband is your brother and lets not tawk about him here..” Thank you Melissa for some words of reason. And then Caroline yells at Melissa?
Teresa exits right and Melissa and Kathy were chatting what an idiot Teresa is and Caroline couldn’t help herself to butt in with a good point of an inappropriate time and place. But then Caroline proceeds to scold them on how they should behave as a family and they certainly should know where they each live in order to address family issues. Kathy and Melissa take the spanking even thou Melissa didn’t do anything wrong and as Melissa agrees with Caroline, Caroline exclaims, “Kill each other in your own homes!”. Gee, I wonder if Caroline gave that same scolding to Teresa for her many occasions of bad behavior? Caroline was a little over the top in bossy mode and I believe her first few sentences was enough but then she had to drive it home with dramatical statements.
Teresa ends the night with exclaiming that she is a good mother! DAMN IT!
Next week we get view Teresa pitch her cookbook recipes while tawking about her million of “ingrediencis”. Maybe Webster will consider adding this new word into the dictioniary since Teresa is an acomplished author now? cough cough
Well folks that wraps another episode and its only the second episode. Below is unaired footage for your viewing pleasure!
Vodpod videos no longer available.