Real Housewives of New York RECAP – Ramona D
Posted by tinselkitty on April 29, 2011
Royal wedding, William and Kate, eight foot train, Sarah Burton, balcony kisses, and so on and so forth. But the best, the absolute best, English action this weekend was Cat Ommanney letting it fly on LuLu’s pretentious ass last night. I can’t wait for Luann’s next etiquette blog. Hopefully she addresses how you handle it when you suddenly are confronted with the fact that, not only are you NOT the be all, end all of British culture, society and protocol, you were also the epitome of American boorishness by assuming you should be judging and correcting a native of said culture. Can you imagine what Luann would have had to say about her if Cat had tried to critique her on Luann’s Fourth of July festivities?
“No, dear, you must light the fireworks this way, this is how we do it in the old country.”
“Wait a moment, Luann, that is not the proper way to grill a hot dog.”
“We do not put catsup on our burgers across the pond.”
“Luann, why are people eating before singing God Save the Queen? Everyone knows you MUST sing to the Queen before celebrating your unfortunate decision to ruin a boatload of proper English tea.”
Speaking of proper etiquette, I must be the least refined person in the history of the world because I do not get why Cindy didn’t fix her temporary veneers before leaving the house. Why on earth would you go to the trouble of collecting everything you need, packing it up for travel and asking someone you barely know to help you stick those suckers on in a public place? A public place that you consider to be of high class, no less.
For that matter, if you’re rich enough to pour that much money into your mouth on the reg, why do you not have a dentist that you can call in the middle of the night and demand to be worked in first thing in the morning? Hell, if you are breaking your veneers that often, that dentist owes you this repair and then you need to be finding a new dentist posthaste.
Whatever, they get the falsies glued on and get down to shopping with Vivienne Tam. What started off as peckishness for Sonja develops into a raging case of third-world starvation (as one might think by the damn near hysterics Sonja was throwing down) by the time Cindy finally screws her balls on and tells Sonja she’s not going to go to lunch with her at Cipriani. Of course Sonja is pissed. Cindy’s told her several times they were still going to lunch, at one time saying “absolutely” when Sonja asks about it point blank. Sorry, Cindy, you lose on this one.
Besides, Sonja had her driver bring her downtown so she can enjoy herself and have a good time. Read: Sonja had her driver bring her downtown because of that DUI business and bonus! she can drink it up to dull the pain of being downtown.
I want to know if Sonja’s steak-taking friend who only has half her teeth is her psychic from last year.
Not only does Sonja need to eat, she’s busy, yo. Busy all the time. So busy she doesn’t go downtown for a friend. I bet if the friend paid her like Bravo’s paying her, she’d go downtown then. But I digress. Sonja’s got a full schedule and if she’s not going downtown, she’s sure as hell not trekking her happy ass all the way out to Quogue. No way, no how.
Nope, Sonja’s staying out of Quogue and filling her days planning ambush parties and experimenting with her toaster oven. We’ve all seen how bitchy she gets if she’s without food for too long, so let’s not keep her away from her toaster oven any longer than necessary, obie kabie?
Sonja might refuse to go to Quogue, but Tinselkitty’s refusing to spell it Quogue. Any place that has that delightful of a name deserves to have it spelled out phonetically. There is no reason to withhold the auditory pleasure of the name from our readers. For that reason, TK hereby declares it shall be spelled Kwaahg. Yeah, that’s right. How much more fun did it get, just like that? Bam!
So, remember a few months ago how RHoNY was going to begin it’s fourth season and then *poof* it disappeared and the Real Housewives of Miami was snuck in at the last second? Remember how everyone was all WTF, Bravo? And Bravo said there weren’t any problems, they just wanted to edit it some more? And the ‘tubes were all “bitches, season four is going to be boring so Bravo’s freaking out and trying to make something out of nothing”? Then Andy said no, no, no, there is plenty of drama, we just want to yada yada yada because we had all stopped listening to him by then?
Well, I believe this next scene is a key piece of the re-editing puzzle. I am sure we all remember what happened with a certain Housewife’s kid near the end of the taping schedule. SPOILER ALERT! There is just no way the RHoNY editing team was going to let that storyline go by without exploiting the holy hell out of it. Victoria got some YouTube fame of her own and the editors realized that there was some footage lying strewn across the cutting room floor just ripe for inclusion. Plain old boring mother/daughter interaction, all of sudden reframed into the snippets of neglect that would contribute to Victoria’s eventual slide into delinquency and horror. Ratings gold, motherscratchers! Because we all know that teenagers never, ever sneak out, get drunk, and smoke weed just because they are curious and rebellious and their friends are doing it and it looks like fun. Nope, it’s always the mother’s fault and it’s always a cry for help.
The racist remarks, though… Well, that I shall save for another time. No worries, there will be another time. Oh, yes, Luann, it will happen.
Our special edition of Behind the Music – Victoria de Lesseps, the tragic tale of a poor little rich girl, begins with a seemingly sweet interaction between Luann and Victoria. Luann is asking Victoria how she’s feeling and if she’s still sick. Luann slides in the first of the foreshadowing quips – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you always feel fine when it’s time to go out.” Cue dramatic music, but not so much that it’s obvious. We want the viewers to have the hint but we don’t want them to figure it out yet. Too late, Bravo, Tinselkitty’s on the case! And my dramatic music is much more overt! (Hint, Adam Levine is involved. Yowza!)
Luann moves on to asking her 16 year old daughter if she’d rather move back to the city now that Luann’s been spending more time there. Victoria doesn’t want to leave the Hamptons, but only because her friends are there. It’s not that she has more freedom when her mom is away from home a few days each week. Ha ha, just the thought is ludicrous. What teen relishes her parent-free time? That kind of thing just doesn’t happen.
Tinselkitty will also go out on a limb and make a prediction, even though it is still very early in the game. I believe…hang on, it’s fuzzy, let me get a hold of it…I see…Jacques being the voice of reason and steady hand of stability for dear, sweet Victoria. The dog may also play a key part in the process but that part of the story has yet to reveal itself to me just yet. Purse dogs are so 2008. Therapy dogs are where it’s at. Suck that, Paris Hilton.
If I’m right, you are all required to send me gifts and cash so I can continue providing you with quality fortune-telling. Give me a fortune and I will be telling. It could not be more clear and straightforward. I have your IP addresses and I will be checking off the gifts as they arrive. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves regarding your selections. There is no need for duplications. The more time I have to spend exchanging your gifts, the less time I have for entertaining you.
And don’t even think about getting together and refusing to pay up. Remember, I have a lot of talent and Bravo is going to be interested. You don’t want them coming in and paying me off to keep their plans under wraps. That is no fun for you, and, after all, y’all are my biggest concern.
Enough of the heavy Afterschool Special vibe. Let’s get back to kooky. Oh, Kelly! Sonja has joined Kelly at the Wölffer Estates Stables to bounce around the yard on horseback. Kelly seems to manage well in the saddle but Sonja is totally out of her element. She grew up riding bareback (giggles) and now she has to deal with a saddle. Besides that, her horse is a klutz, stumbling around and being all loosey goosey. Or trying to throw her off. Either one. Methinks Sonja would have been better off heading right to the vineyards. She was going to end up flat on the ground one way or the other, amirite?
That poor horse just bounced Sonja around before tossing her on her rump, eh? Watching that clip reminds me of bull riders trying to stay on for their eight seconds. Kelly’s narration was spot on – “It was bad. It was really bad.” I see a future in sports reporting for this one. “Wow, Bob, that had to hurt.” Oh, wait, I know, I know! Correspondent for America’s Funniest Home Videos! This is flippin’ perfect! ABC, please send my 10% check immediately.
Sonja did show a bit of humility and self-awareness by confiding that she felt like one of those Labrador puppies that slides across the kitchen floor to face plant into a cabinet. Then she turns around and ruins it by telling us that Kelly might have been calling her reckless but she though Kelly was being brainless. Brainless enough to stay ON the horse. Booyah!
Back on firm ground, Sonja decides to continue living dangerously and broach the topic of Ramona. Kelly’s Lucidity Tour is still on a roll and is showing signs of being much more successful than Charlie Sheen’s Torpedo of Truth debacle. Kelly tells us (that her therapist told her) that after three years of knowing someone, ” it’s a breaking point – you either become friends or you just kind of say thank you so much, it didn’t work out.” Kelly’s therapist must not know about the healing powers of the toaster oven.
Columbus Day weekend is upon our ladies and this, of course, calls for a par-tay! Columbus Day is, as we all know, the day the Americas *poofed* into existence. Prior to Columbus’s famous voyage, this area was nothing but a vast expanse of ocean and then the infamous drop off of the face of the Earth. Columbus sailed in a cloud of magic, creating new lands and reshaping the planet from flat to spherical. On this day, we come together to celebrate with booze and large appliance sales.
There is a faction of the country, however, that does not subscribe to the official Eurocentric view of Columbus’ discovery. These people, commonly called hippies or conspiracy theorists or Deadheads, hold that, while Columbus did “discover” the New World as far as the “Old World” didn’t know about it yet, he also ushered in the collapse of the indigenous population under the guise of European colonization. To be clear, though, this particular strain of hippydom is not to be confused with the Flat Earth Society. That’s just crazy talk.
Before you think I’ve totally gone off the rails, though, let me ‘splain. The reason I bring all this up is because there appears to be a new custom taking shape up there in the rarified air of the Hamptons, as evidenced by Sonja and Kelly: honoring Columbus Day by decking yourself out in Native American-inspired attire. I am unclear as to whether this fad is technically called “Indian style” as quoted by Sonja or if she is just unaware that Indians and Native Americans are two completely different peoples. From different continents and everything. For now, I am sticking to the phrase Native American-inspired as I feel it more closely reflects the effect Sonja was going for. So is this a fair trade, readers? They lose their land and traditions and peoples but a few hundred years later we’ll have some kids in China sew us up some clothes based on designs we copied from you and wear them on Columbus Day. So we’re cool, right?
Kelly did manage to take it to the next level by adding in an old-school “woowoowoowoowoo” cowboys and Indians whoop. Out of respect, dawg.
Yes, Luann, you sure do look like you’re missing Jill, what with her being in Australia and you sporting that shit-eating grin. TK Ponderland – why would people eating shit be grinning? Where the hell did that come from?
Cindy has taken the “don’t ever let anything go” memo to heart and brings up Sonja’s refusal to go to Kwaahg. Kwaahg is shaping up to be the go-to, or rather, the do-not-go-to, theme of season four. Luann’s delicate sensibilities are offended by Sonja’s flat out admission that she will not Kwaahging. “I think that Kwaahg used to be like an ‘in’ part of the Hamptons, and it’s just become…not…’in’. It just has this kind of low rent kind of stigma. But you don’t say to somebody throwing a party in Kwaahg, ‘You’re having a party in Kwaahg?’ I mean, who does that?” I don’t know Luann, who goes on tv and steps it up a notch by flat out declaring Kwaagh to be a low rent area? Probably the same person who tells Cat Ommanney that her curtsy was appropriate because she didn’t clutch Luann’s hand like a commoner. Just sayin’.
Now that we know that Cindy, who’s never even had a birthday party (huh?) will be celebrating this year’s birthday in the bowels of the Hamptons, it feels even more uncomfortable to sit here and listen to these ladies trot out a parade of excuses as to why no one got her invitation. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a book myself, and I think I’ve decided to focus on the etiquette and execution of excuse making. Rule #1 – once you pick an excuse, commit to it. You don’t get to keep trying on additional excuses to see what will stick. This is not the dressing room at Nordstrom. You can’t go from “I didn’t get it” to “It must have been spam filtered” to “We’ve been having trouble with our internet” and then back to “I didn’t get it”. Cindy nailed you on that one.
Aside to Luann, you can’t use the broken internet excuse, ever, when you have a smart phone that you get emails on. You get to use the broken internet excuse when you have only one way and place to access the internet. If you must play with that sort of excuse, you need to tweak it to somehow blame your email client. See: spam filter excuse employed by Sonja above.
For reasons totally unclear to us mere viewers, Cindy’s been getting texts from Ramona asking if this is an adult party or a kids party. What difference will this make in Ramona’s experience of the party? Will she not be drunk at only one of those parties? I’m thinking not.
Sad sack Sonja, who is, as we learned earlier, so very socially put upon, does manage to recognize Luann’s awesome party wizardry. Poor Sonja finds herself in entirely too many craptastic parties. You name it, it’s wrong. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong food, wrong drinks. It is so hard to be in the social stratosphere. You guys just don’t understand.
Because Cindy’s said Ramona’s name three times, she materializes amongst the ladies, hollering for some pinot grigio. And even though Luann has properly prepared and stocked the bar with gallons of pinot, Ramona goes and makes a dig at Luann’s parenting skillz. SPOILER ALERT 2! Now we have two scenes questioning Luann’s dedication to her kids. The plot thickens. Poor Ramona, all she wants to know is why Lulu doesn’t care about her kids and why Lulu is okay with just being a weekend mom. Oh, snap!
Since Jill has been gone for two blessed weeks, Cindy takes the opportunity to grab the gauntlet of high school behavior and pulls Kelly aside to tell her something, like, totally serious, but Kelly can’t tell Sonja she told her, and it’s, like, super serious, Kelly can’t bring it up to anyone, but for realsies, Kelly, don’t take your kids to Sonja’s house. But shhhhhhhh. It’s, like, a secret. Not a stupid little secret but a really big secret that Cindy can’t even tell Kelly the details of, she can only tell her that there is a secret, and don’t let the kids get involved, wink wink. Of course Kelly freaks out enough that Cindy finally tells her about THE EVIL, EVIL PLAN. But she’s only telling Kelly if Kelly double triple swears not to tell. Cindy knows she just did a dirty but she hopes that Kelly keeps her mouth shut.
“It’s not Ramona personally, it’s Ramona when she’s drinking, and my kids don’t need to be around Turtle Time.”
Dog walking for ARF is the name of the game the next day, or so Luann thinks. In reality, this is the perfect time for Ramona to unload about a situation which is still very much iffy from a viewer point of view. What exactly was so horrible for Ramona at the wedding? Someone has a cigar that at one time belonged to someone she knew who died? I just cannot fathom a situation when anyone would say, “Look, this is his cigar” with the antagonistic attitude that Ramona is portraying. Again, though, I am very clearly just a small part of the hoi polloi.
It’s not like Howie was smoking a cigar made out of Ramona’s friends ashes. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Luann masterfully advises Ramona to discuss it further with Howie and/or Cindy at length, instead of just telling her to drop it. Luann must have a bit of the gift as well. You know she sees what’s going to happen if Ramona keeps beating this particular dead horse. And zing, the volley is returned.
As it has been approximately 12 hours since Kelly learned of THE EVIL, EVIL PLOT, Kelly must let the cat out of the bag, lest she explodes in a fiery burst right there on the beach. This is just not done during the off season, so the only choice is to spill her guts to Sonja. Oooooh, Sonja just got crossed. This will never be allowed to stand. Oh, nosies, we don’tsies. Right now, though, the most important agenda to advance is Sonja’s peace summit, even though Kelly is incredibly emphatic that this is not something she wants. Of all the things that easily fluster her to the point of gibberish, she is crystal clear about not wanting to be in a combative situation all the time. Who cares what Kelly wants, amirite? This is all about Sonja. Her street cred is at stake. She is very well known for breaking the ice. Think about it. Think about breaking the ice for a minute. Who do you think of? Yep, Sonja Morgan, professional ice breaker. I bet she uses the same straw to break the ice that she uses to stir the drink.
Kelly just wants to enjoy this awesome life that they all have. Kelly’s therapist has told Kelly that Ramona has issues and they are not hers. Since Sonja is not about to listen to her, the only option left is sand angels.
So now, not only has Sonja been crossed by Cindy, she’s being dismissed by Kelly. BY KELLY! Oh, no she di’int. I bet that is just super annoying for Sonja.
If only Cindy had thought to make Kelly pinky swear. The best laid plans of mice and men…
In a double back move, the editors toss in a little scene of Luann hitting the pavement in support of ever-more-hipster Noel and his skateboard artistry. Gotta keep you guessing as to Luann’s mommaness. How could she possibly be an absentee mom when here she is, helping Noel in any way possible? I wish my mom had let me use her reality show as a springboard when I set off in search of my fortunes.
After the longest journey every to Kwaahg, we are finally at Cindy’s birthday party. Now I see why Sonja didn’t want to go. This feels like an all day trip already. Ramona arrives bright and bubbly as ever, inquiring as to the whereabouts of her pinot grigio the moment she gets out of the car. Cindy tries to sneer about it in her talking head, but let’s be real. Pinot grigio is Ramona 101. If you can’t get this very important aspect of the NY Housewives, Cindy, you are destined to never win. Ask any of us, we’d tell you. Ramona = pinot grigio. Period. Hell, Alex carries a supply with her. What does that tell you?
I was happy to hear Luann finally discuss the problem out in the open. Quite often, the biggest stumbling block to any battle is knowing your enemy. Now that Luann has given it a name, we can get on with the healing. Being PinotPolar is much different than having MethDepression or CrackSocialAnxiety. You don’t want to treat CaffeineSchitzophrenia with the same protocol as WeedSociopathy. The results could be disastrous. Now that we have defined the problem, we can get down to the business of recovery. Who wants to organize the first official 5K fun run and dog walk?
Ramona could possibly be suffering from a situation bout of RealityParanoia. It is known to be comorbid with PinotPolarity, usually manifesting itself when the supply of pinot has been temporarily exhausted. Symptoms can easily be seen in Ramona’s interactions with Cindy and Kelly vis-a-vis the secret lunch date. Cindy appears to exhibit some codependent issues as well by bringing up the subject within earshot of Ramona.
Ambush mode has been fully activated by now, and Ramona moves on to Howie. When Howie refuses to engage (go Howie, you did a great job of deflecting her over and over) Ramona turns on Cindy, determined to clear the air, clear the air, clear the air. It is also noted that Ramona’s case has progressed to physical manifestations as observed by her hand tremors.
Luann has labeled you PinotPolar
Kelly is shielding her kids from you as if you were Freddy Kruger
Alex is toting around bottles of wine in case she crosses your path
Kelly is worried about you
Please, Ramona. Print this out and take it to your doctor. Your doctor, not your bartender.