Real Housewives of Orange County RECAP – Kiss and Tell
Posted by tinselkitty on April 26, 2011
Bravo teased us with promises of a shocking secret this week, and I have to admit that they delivered on that promise. Where we differ, I think, is on exactly which part was the shocker. I would bet Bravo thinks it was the Fernanda/Tamra smootch-a-hootch, while I’m betting that everyone saw that one coming a mile away. Nope, I say the biggest shocker of the night came from the Vickmeister.
But first, we must start with Gretchen because there was so much disappointment for her this week that we needed to kick that off from the start so we can fit it all in. You see, Princess G was under the impression that Slade had planned out “this whole extravaganza thing” for her birthday, only to find out that Slade was being a selfish, selfish weenie and really was just doing stuff he wanted to do. Like when dudes buy lingerie for their girlfriend’s birthday. Technically, it’s a present for her. In reality, we all know it’s a present for him.
You see, instead of going out to a random jewelry store and buying her another piece of shiny doodad, Slade arranged with his artist friend, Daniel Maltzman, to use his studio and have Daniel teach them both a bit about painting, Slade’s new found hobby. The selfishness is just so patently obvious. Not to mention the fact that they had to drive all the way to LA. Do you know how long that takes? He couldn’t even take the time to find somewhere close, instead? It’s not like he does anything. In fact, he should consider painting professionally and selling the paintings. He’s just that good. Plus, he’s painting in the nude. Just like all the fancy schmancy ar-teests. Slade could probably charge extra for that feature.
As Slade rightly points out, though, it would only be a random source of income, not a way for him to take care of his family. Yeah, Gretchen says, but it’s better than what it is now, which is nothing, right? Oooh, birthday burn, Gretchen.
Unplanned trip into Tinselkitty Ponderland – is this what Gretchen meant when she said Slade had a magic wand that danced around on it’s own according to her mood? Does he tape a paintbrush onto the end of it and go to town? Is there a paintbrush even involved? What are we talking here, pointillism, stippling, hard-edge, what? Which medium? Gouache, hot wax, finger paints? These are the kinds of details that can really bring a story to life. How do they not understand that over at Bravo? Sheesh, must I do everything?
And just like that, we head into the shocking portion of the evening. It’s way early, right? Normally, yes, but as I said above, I am positive Bravo was all tee-hee about Tamra and Fernanda and didn’t realize the bombshell they had sitting right here, only ten minutes in. You see, Vicki is ready to play nice with someone. Holy shit! Vicki wants to clear the air with someone? Not just anyone, but Alexis? Bellino? Vicki just said she wants to make amends? With Alexis? Of the Bellino Alexises? Christ on a cracker, the end times must surely be upon us.
Blessedly, Jim Bellino has indoctrinated his wife thoroughly in the ways of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and Alexis is on to Vicki’s act. She might be willing to let things go (we’ll see how big an issue the mace is at the reunion and judge accordingly at that time) but she’s not going to let her guard down. Rightly so, I say, as this is truly an unexpected, perplexing turn of events. Not only did Vicki willingly apologize, she did so on camera. For posterity. So people can watch it over and over again and she’ll never be able to say she didn’t do any such thing. There is proof!
Think about that for a moment. Vicki could have met with Alexis somewhere off camera, like, say, a friend’s bathroom even though there were plenty of camera people there, but she didn’t. She could have whipped out a list of everything Alexis had ever said or done to her, but she didn’t. She could have stopped Alexis and said she didn’t want to have that conversation at that time because she didn’t have all her notes, but she didn’t. Hell, she could have answered the door, burst into tears upon seeing Alexis and then run into Donn’s arms, wailing about being ambushed while stomping on one foot with the other, grinding the heel down hard in order to force tears to spring forth and illustrate her pain.
Nope, she just sat there and apologized. In a single shot, so we know it wasn’t edited together. Who knew this was possible from a Housewife? Why, just a few months ago we heard over and over again how circumstances such as this were just impossible to deal with.
“I’m at fault sometimes. I have a sharp tongue. I don’t claim to be perfect. And neither are you.”
Yeah, she got that last little dig in there, but I think we all know that, had Vicki uttered just the first three sentences and stopped, the world would have imploded upon itself and none of us would be here now. Then, while my mouth is still on the floor, she full-on admits her loyalties lie with Tamra. WHAT? Again, unheard of in Housewives world. The typical course of action here would have been some sort of fake kissypoo friendliness and then a backhanded bitch slap via talking head.
“Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s just, my allegiance is going to be with Tamra, just the way your allegiance is going to be with Gretchen.”
Vicki then says she respects Alexis as a mother. I can only assume Alexis is still in a state of mild shock and does not comprehend Vicki’s statement as she circles right back into Alexis mode, trying to prove her worth and telling Vicki she’s gonna be one of those fancy-schmancy business wimmin soon, too, ’cause she’s gonna have her very own dress line. Soon enough, Vicki’s going to get a glimpse of Alexis Couture and realize that Jesus Barbie is not just a kept woman. As long as the dress thing doesn’t interfere with Jim’s getting his sandwich and beer in a timely fashion. Because if she is even a minute late on fulfilling her wifely duties, then all that extra shit goes poof.
Of course, Vicki’s business radar goes off and she starts in with the questions, which are all good, valid concerns but are lost in Vicki’s rapid fire deployment. Alexis jumps in to assure her she’s not stupid. Oh, honey. The thing is, you aren’t stupid, but having a 47 year old husband who pawns designer handbags, spends his days sliding your house in and out of shell corporations and has a lot of “life lessons” does not make you a business person by proxy. We all kind of think the major source of your current bout of dumbness is that big, hairy wart on your ass named Jim.
Flying Spaghetti Monster, Vicki just jumped on board with a mid-day get together, without even bitching about work! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, PEOPLE?
I would like to thank Vicki for getting in her point about not going after the stick thin demographic, and the “Nobody’s Barbie. Except you.” comment was pure, vintage Vicki. Ah, that feels better. That was a lot of change there in just a few minutes. TK’s old, you can’t be rocking my world so hard like that anymore. Alexis looked more than a little offended by the remark, but I just have to point out –
Meanwhile, back at Disappointment Ranch, Gretchen, who’s been promised dinner, finds out that said dinner comes packed in styrofoam containers. Where is the fancy take-out bag? Where is the foil duck? Nowhere, because Slade cheap-assed it. Does Slade not see how Gretchen is dressed? Hello. This is not the dress of a drive thru, bub.
Thankfully, there is at least an actual present, but it looks like Slade wrapped it his own self. This is not good. Everybody knows that anything worth having comes from a store that offers gift wrapping. But the insult train keeps on a’chugging along and Gretchen comes face to face with pants. White pants. For painters. With no fancy label. Hang on, Slade’s talking, what’s he saying? Gretchen has to wear these fugly clothes right now? It’s Gretchen’s birthday! Why couldn’t she have met this painter guy before she changed? If she had been able to meet him with the good dress on she might have been able to make a good impression. He might have money, and if that’s the case, she doesn’t want to be at a disadvantage and not looking cute. Slade is still just a lease and his ass can be traded in at any time.
Whatever, this whole birthday is already ruined so Gretchen might as well play paint with Slade. You know what, this day can be saved! Gretchen could get nekkid and roll around in the paint and make a nipple painting and then maybe she’d accidentally let Daniel see her painting tools and he’d know she wasn’t just some plain white painter pants kind of girl. Shoot, they just want to paint the boring way.
For a brief moment, Slade almost manages to pull his ass out of the fire when he tells Gretchen there is another present for her. It was almost painful to see the light dance back into Gretchen’s eyes before she realizes yet again that she will not be getting jewelry out of this dude. Instead, it’s just a stupid, big ass painting of herself by a real ar-teest.
Gretchen! You know he’s broke. You know he’s waaaaay behind on child support. How could you possibly expect those two circumstances to coexist with a big ass birthday present? Quite frankly, had you accepted a big ass birthday present from Slade, my opinion of you would have sunk to new levels. As it is, I’m already irritated with you this year for your mean-spiritedness, both to Tamra and Slade. The Slade part is double annoying because I’m not exactly fond of him to begin with. The fact that you are making me feel bad for him just pisses me off.
At least Gretchen has enough self-awareness to rein in her ungratefulness in front of the gentleman who painted her portrait.
Peggy’s getting another opportunity to show us she’s not your stereotypical, vapid, vacuous, OC housewife this week. She and Micah are hosting a party in their soon-t0-be-foreclosed-upon homestead and everyone knows you have to have a celebrity chef. What everyone might not know is that it doesn’t matter which celebrity chef, or if you like their food, or if you even know the teensiest, tiniest bit of information about them. It only matters that someone, somewhere has declared that person a celebrity chef. Oh, it also matters who Bravo says they will foot the bill for, so off we trot to Border Grill to meet with Susan Finegar, celebrity chef, restaurant owner, book author.
I would like to pause here for a moment to be really catty. How the eff do you NOT know what kind of food Susan Finegar specializes in? Let’s consider the clues.
Their restaurant’s name is Border Grill
This is their food truck, which has both the word TACO as well as a picture of a taco on it
When you look up Border Grill on the ‘tubes, you see this blurb:
Enjoy upscale, modern Mexican food in a vibrant setting at Border Grill, the hip, urban cantina from Chefs Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger, Food Network’s “Too Hot Tamales”. Presenting the bold foods and flavors of Mexico, Border Grill has established a new standard for gourmet Mexican fare. With a menu of complex authentic dishes based on the home cooking of Oaxaca and the Yucatan, Border Grill takes Mexican food to a whole new level!She’s one of the Two Hot Tamales
What more do they need? They obviously had absolutely no clue but that sure didn’t stop Micah from pulling out all the stops in assbaggery, starting with slamming on Mexican food as only good for a, sneer, pool party and that Spanish steakhouse is better. Damn, way to insult that lady that you didn’t even bother to do the least bit research on there, Micah. FYI – assuming all Mexican food is Taco Bell does not make you a foodie.
What the hell possessed you, dude? You don’t go to a chef’s house and play foodie with a professional. You are not anywhere on the same level. Fried oreo is delicious? Okay, it probably is, but really? Over a chef-created flan? A Mexican chef-created flan? I think not.
Hola, mi nombre es Micah. Soy un pendejo. Ask Vicki what it means, buttmunch.
Peggy jumps in to reassure me that once again, I am completely, 100% correct. She doesn’t care about the food, she’s just excited to have a celebrity chef because she wants to make an impression on people. That you did, Pegs, that you did. You should take care to figure out what impression, exactly, you want to make next time before you go making it. Lest you be surprised.
We’re back with Vicki and I am checking myself and making sure I know where the exits are, how to operate the emergency flight equipment and tightening my seat belt. I am still fuzzy from our earlier interaction and I am hoping there will be no more turbulence in this flight. It looks like we are back at our normal cruising altitude when Vicki freaks out about an ice cream carton mistakenly replaced into the fridge.
Which leads into further freaking out about Brianna going to Vegas. You know what happens in Vegas? Uncle Bill gets roofied by some woman, wakes up nekkid and all his money is gone. Or, alternatively and much more likely, Uncle Bill tossed on a Vegas drunk, picked up a hooker and had himself a right fine time but wasn’t about to admit any of that to sister Vic. It’s all in how you spin it, people.
Briana, in addition to enjoying a good roofie colada, is seeing a dude named Ryan and he’s a fireman who has yet to meet Vicki. While I appreciate Briana’s position and reasoning on this matter, I do think we should gently nudge her to let mom meet Ryan soon. If there is anyone that might actually burn her house down just to meet her daughter’s boyfriend, it would be Vicki. Only you can prevent forest fires, Briana.
It’s been nearly four days since our last Housewife fashion show, damn near a record for Bravo. This round is for Marisa Kenson (of the Marisa Kenson Collection, obvs.) and is to be held at Anqi Bistro and Noodle Bar. At first some of the housewives weren’t going to play but then they found out there was a real bar, not just a noodle bar, so crisis averted. Peggy had some additional concerns as well, specifically the fear that she might be put into something that didn’t show off her twins. These are the kinds of survivalist skills Peggy must employ in her life behind the Orange Curtain. Had she not been in the know, she might have found herself modeling that dowdy, frumpy clothing that is so prevalent in Orange County.
While the fashion show trope has been really worked into the grave with these ladies, Bravo kept it fresh by adding a completely new element into the mix. Never have I seen a designer pulling a dress higher up on a model to keep it from looking so vulgar. Not once. Fashion tape is typically used to tack a dress in place, just barely there and all sexy drapey style. I have a feeling that, had Marisa Kenson found a roll of duct tape nearby, she’d have been super-sealing that shit to make sure Peggy’s boob job didn’t make a surprise appearance.
I just realized that Peggy’s twins aren’t really modeling, either. Huh.
Speaking of surprise appearances, (Tinselkitty, Master of the Segue™) here comes Jeana, slinking into the shop all sorts of sneaky-like. Whatever was going on between Tamra, Jeana and Simon must have been pretty nasty because Tamra tensed up like someone had just shoved a length of rebar up her arse. Awkward. Tamra sums it up by saying that Jeana looks great, she just has a nasty soul.
Marisa is rounding everyone up and demanding they be at the venue at the ungodly hour of 9:30am on Thursday morning to practice. This is very early for Peggy, she’s got kids, yo. Which confused me as most people with kids consider 9:30 to be pert near mid day. Then I got more confused when Marisa snapped back at her that she could bring her kids if she needed to and Tamra answered by saying her ex had the kids. Why was Tamra responding to that? Did I miss something? Wasn’t that Peggy’s smack down? I don’t get to ponder it too long, though, as Jeana jumps in with what has to be one of the most odd statements ever. How in the world does saying “my ex” sound weirder than saying “the children’s father”? Is Jeana living in Victorian times? Does she also tell her son to not speaketh unmannerly to thine mother? Silly TK, of course she doesn’t. Not because she doesn’t talk that way but because she lets her son be a disrespectful buttwipe.
By now, I’m fascinated with Jeana’s chosen speech mannerisms. Then she drops this bit of knowledge on my ass:
“I was really upset when Tamra left Simon and I felt sorry for Simon because it’s a terrible thing to be left, and then try to figure out how you can fix something and the other person doesn’t give you a chance to fix it. She’s totally at fault.”
WHAT? What did you just say? You judgemental, meddling bitch. I had no real opinion on you before, but now? Oh, yes, I have an opinion for sure, indeedy I do. Let me see if I have this straight, using my favorite technique, the analogy.
- Simon bounced a ton of checks
- Tamra, owning the bank, decided Simon doesn’t get to have a checking account there anymore
- Simon said, no, don’t do that, I promise I won’t bounce any more checks ever again
- Tamra, fed up with hearing that over and over again, sticks to her guns and says nope, go find somewhere else to bounce your checks
- Thus, it’s Tamra’s fault for not letting Simon continue bouncing checks at her bank
Is that about it? Did I nail it? ‘Cause it feels like I nailed it.
Jeana’s been following her on Facebook and wants to know how Tamra is, thus a round of rapid fire questioning. What were you doing in Spain? Was it your birthday? Are you happy? What does Eddie do? Are you living with him? Oh, you don’t intermingle the kids and Eddie? You know it’s supposed to be at least six months before you do that. You don’t have any help?
Tamra doesn’t trust her as far as she can throw her, and God knows that wouldn’t be very far. Normally I would say that wasn’t a very nice thing to say, but after watching the whole interaction, I don’t blame Tamra.
If Alexis has such good fashion taste (sense, Alexis, you meant fashion sense), why wasn’t she in the show? You know, the fashion show? Well, because, since everyone compliments her on fashion all the time, why not launch a successful dress line? This is what she was talking about earlier with Vicki. These are the kinds of benefits you reap when you marry a 47 year old titan of business. Due to this insider knowledge, Alexis knows to start a successful dress line instead of a failing dress line. It really is who you know.
Alexis wants to do a photo on the label, and maybe include a heart. Something cute because that’s her personality. Oooh, you know what she could, like, totally do? She could dot the i in her name with a heart! Yeah she could! Do that, Alexis, do that!
Pop quiz time. What does couture mean?
A) a term put on a dress if it’s super rich
B) the design and manufacture of fashionable clothes to a client’s specific requirements and measurements
C) cutting the sleeves off a dress made by someone else, thus the word (cut – ure – dress = couture)
Due to Alexis’ deep, deep knowledge of the fashion world, she is able to look at a dress and know instantly what will make it salable. I assume this knowledge comes from an extensive background in the industry, years of analysis on trends and historical data and hands-on experience gained by slogging through the lower levels of the biz. Also, a 15 minute phone conversation and a few tweets back and forth with Sheree.
Therefore, Alexis is able to come in during the last layers of the process, throw a pair of scissors around wildly and declare it so, as in “Take the sleeves off the dress because it’s not going to sell.”
Which is funny, considering this photo, which was taken in November, 2010, was used as a teaser for Alexis’ heart-couture dress line.
I hope to hell that was taken before Alexis cut the dress up and that Tal didn’t have to redo the whole thing. But if that’s what happened, I really don’t understand why she’d cut up something she was already advertising. That doesn’t seem like good business sense to me. Maybe that has something to do with how Alexis’ dress line has yet to see fruition. Or it also could be that Tal was really upset by Alexis’ behavior and decided not to work with her anymore. It took her forever to make that dress.
Yeah, we see who’s boss, Alexis. You are not always right. That was a bitch move cutting that sleeve off with no regards to the workmanship. If you didn’t like it you should have asked her to make another, sans sleeves. I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, readers, that that’s how Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire does it. I don’t recall her slashing any of the dresses her couturier brought for her approval.
Even though Jim’s taken himself out of camera view for the most part this year, he’s still very visible in this episode via Alexis’ mouth.
“Next time you’ll listen to me, though.”
“This is my baby, so it’s my decision. That’s just the way it is.”
Who says that kind of stuff in your house, Alexis? Because it sure as hell sounds like the shizz that flows out of Jim’s mouth and it’s awfully common for those without agency in certain situations (like in your home) take on the characteristics of their oppressors when they are out of reach of said oppressor (like when Jim’s not there).
If you are interested in buying this dress, you can find it on Tal Sheyn’s site, complete with sleeves but lacking in bling, making it a little less couturey (also less tacky).
That Marisa Kenson really is a peach. How nice was it for her to dress Peggy in that pretty little light blue dress that so perfectly matched the vein in Peggy’s new boobs? This is how you know when you are dealing with a professional. It’s the small details that scream high class. Marisa tapped Peggy for hosting duties as she was familiar with Peggy’s hosting background. Peggy is pleased as punch and is sure this is going to help her get her swagger back. In case you were wondering what Peggy’s swagger might look like, I can share that with you here. Turn your speakers on and click this –
It never gets old. Never.
Peggy is a much better friend than Jeana, being all supportive of Tamra, hoping she doesn’t fall on the runway even though she bit herself in the ass by not showing up to practice.
Not being in the fashion world myself, might I ask what the hell was going on with Peggy’s runway walk? Is that the way models are supposed to walk now? That’s an honest question, not a bit of snark at all, I swear. Because what I saw was someone walking like they were imitating a horse doing the counting-with-the-hoof thing. The reason I ask this is because I also noticed some of the models on last year’s Project Runway doing the same thing. There was something exaggerated with the leg that was stepping off, or something. I was under the impression that models were not supposed to do anything at all that might distract from the clothing. Their whole purpose is to serve as a moving hanger, no?
Putting the snark right back on, though, I want to know what the hell she was doing with her arms. I would have said she was trying to get her jive walk on but she wasn’t holding a boom box on one shoulder. Peggy herself clarified it in a tweet –
If Briana has to call Vicki from Vegas, why didn’t Danielle have to call, too? Danielle is her work daughter. I wonder if there is a Danielle safety box, too, like the safety box Vicki wants to lock Briana up in, letting her out only to work. Danielle might be better off if she gets in the safety box during work hours. Harder to paddle through plexiglass. Briana’s going to have trouble working hard and playing harder in that box.
Jeana’s still keeping up with her questioning, this time hitting up Peggy. Where is Peggy standing? Has she tried the speaker system, yet? Do you work, Peggy?
Peggy’s so vain. She thinks Jeana’s checking her out, looking to figure out who she is and trying to make her nervous. Silly Peggy, you are not nearly that important to her. She’s trying to get the nitty gritty on Tamra and you are merely a conduit.
Tamra’s epiphany of the night: she can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Watching Tamra go through this journey of self-awareness has been awesome. It’s also nice to see her admit that she’s no model and that she’s afraid to walk the runway in front of people. Tamra’s freaking the eff out. This is the most normal behavior I’ve seen out of any of the OC Housewives.
Tamra had no idea it was this big of a deal and she’s looking for support from anyone that will give it to her right now, even Jeana, who advises her to do jumping jacks. Tamra can’t do jumping jacks though, because she’s had four kids and she’d pee. Public service announcement – there is actually a surgical correction for that and I would assume it would be a more satisfying procedure than any vaginal rejuvenation.
In the end, Tamra comes through with flying colors, steeling her nerves by locking onto Eddie as soon as she hit the runway. I agree, Tamra, you did rock it. You did a hella lot better than Peggy.
Uh oh, Peggy just let loose with a whoo, which we all know is one half of a Vicki whoo-hoo. Y’all remember what happened when Gretchen ordered Vicki’s drink.
Back in Vegas, Briana’s hitting up the hookah and getting hit on by a couple of cougars. Damn, Danielle, you’re gonna get all kinds of whoopins when Vicki hears about this. Your best bet at this point is to buy a few pairs of Booty Pops and wear them to work every damn day.
I do hope those cougars were smart enough to ensure that whatever forms they signed with Bravo included a clause forbidding Bravo from telling Vicki their names because if they didn’t, those women are going to be getting a visit from one angry momma soon.
Slade’s brought home the Gretchen painting and she wants to know who hangs that big of a picture of themselves in their house like that. Uh, do you not watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, Gretchen? Although I don’t think Kim puts any of her photos in the loo. Just sayin’.
Blast from the past Lynne Curtain shows up to work out with Fernanda. Tamra was supposed to come, too, but she cancelled at the last minute. Lynne really isn’t avoiding the ladies, she’s just really focusing on business. This is her year and she really wants to succeed. I bet she does. Depending on whose side of the story you are hearing, either Tamra’s been getting weird vibes from Fernanda or Tamra’s saying that Fernanda doesn’t have Tamra’s back. Whew, that was a close one. We almost made it through a whole episode without someone complaining about someone else not having their back.
But back to the tee-hee shocking secret of Tamra and Fernanda having a bathroom kiss that Fernanda’s ex supposedly hadn’t heard about yet, even though it happened a year and a half ago. So that makes it, what two years ago or so from today? Marian’s pissed but Fernanda is owning her mistake, just like Marian had told her to do. And scene. Huh? What an odd spot to cut the episode. What are we supposed to do with that? That felt like Bravo had to include X number of Fernanda minutes in the episode so they just grabbed a handful of stuff and tossed it in at the end. There was nothing shocking about that at all. At least I got the once in a lifetime Vicki apology.
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