Real Housewives of Orange County Tonight – Kiss and Tell

According to Bravo, there is a shocking secret shared tonight, y’all. A shocking secret. And a fashion show. So, you know, just your standard Housewives episode.

In other completely shocking storylines, Slade disappoints Princess Gretchen again, Lynne floats into another gym and Peggy is visible only when she pokes her head out of either Tamra’s or Vicki’s ass.

What we do need to discuss, though, is Jeanna’s hair. What the hell? Yeah, she’s not a Richy McRicherson anymore and can’t afford a hairstylist, but doesn’t she own a brush? Surely she didn’t have to sell it, did she? The only reason I can come up with for that, uh, hairstyle, is that she drove over to the shoot with the windows down and was sporting one of Alexis’ super-couture trucker hats. Pardon? What do you mean, “What trucker hats?” You didn’t know? Well, let me drop some knowledge on you.

And kaboom! goes your mind. You didn’t realize this was the hat you’ve always wanted until you just saw it, did you? It’ll only set you back $60.00, or $75.00 if you want it autographed. Now we know how much Alexis’ autograph is worth – $15.00. You can buy your very own at Glitzy Bella, a site so frikkin’ glitzy it plays music when you open the site. Awesome! In 2004. For about five minutes, until everyone realized how annoying it was to have to scramble to turn down your speakers and then sit there and wait while the site took longer to load due to the music. Even better, the music selection is Glamorous by Fergie. From 2007. Four years ago. Best yet, it’s the line “If you ain’t got no money take your broke ass home.” It’s just a massive, crystal crusted, stacked cake of win, with cascading fountains of fabulous on each side and filled with gooey layers of bling-a-da-bling.

While you’re over there picking out your hat, don’t forget to check out all their other crystallized crap. There are flip-flops and license plate holders and bikes. That’s right, Gretchen, a crystal covered bike, and it’s only $1,900. Maybe if you bought one of those for Slade he’d be a bit more careful about loading them onto the car. My personal favorite, though, is this pink Morgan tricycle. It has three wheels instead of two but it’s only $1,500! Who wouldn’t want more wheels for fewer dollars? Sadly, it’s not for sale ’cause it’s poisonous. No, really, I’m serious.

(This item is for display purposes only due to lead content.)

I’m sure those hats and slippers and big girl bikes are all totally okay on the lead content, though.