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Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP – Floridon’t

Posted by tinselkitty on January 24, 2011


At first I thought Nene had just flipped her bitch switch but then I realized she’s got that damn thing on a dimmer and cranked that shit all the way up. I suspect she had an electrician in during the break, too, and had him rewire the circuitry to handle a heavier load. How else to explain the commercial grade fury that’s spewing out of a housewife that was zoned for residential?

Bravo kindly rewinds the fight for us a bit this week  in case we had forgotten what was going on in Atlanta, what with all the Beverly Hills chaos and all. Seriously, I’m not getting into any vehicle-like contraption with any housewife in any city. Especially if it’s being driven by a stranger.

Upon arrival in Miami, Kim shoots off the bus faster than a 15 year old virgin who just got his hands on a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Thankfully, Kim’s moving under her own power instead of being launched out the window by Nene. Sweetie is the next one to emerge from the mobile cage match, shaken but still in possession of all her limbs and hair. Finally, the rage is unleashed upon the unwitting residents of Miami-Dade county as Nene herself saunters down the steps and into the courtyard.

 

Peace out, my ass, bitch, these are eye poppers.

Kim’s had a whole 45 seconds to be out there smack talking all on her own and Nene is going to have to do some serious damage control and explain why Kim’s saying Nene’s running around calling Sweetie a slave. Nene’s learned a lot in her short stint as a journalist and quickly realizes the best way to get the fair and balanced information out to the masses is to tell Kim she’s going to snap her neck and pop her eyeballs out, complete with sound effects to emphasize said popping. Now I’m thinking back to all those appearances on WWHL when Nene makes the remarkably similar sounding nose bonk noise and wondering if this is the origin of the move. Of course, it’s been toned down to just the nose bonk because eyeball popping is really something you want to save for special occasions.

 

Kandi is still MIA and you know the other ladies are wondering how bad the onboard crime scene is goiing to be. Sheree leads the charge to check it out and Kandi and Don Juan finally emerge from their hidey hole. Hey, Don Juan’s a lover not a fighter. Don’t be all judgy. You weren’t there, man. You don’t know.

Nene explains to us that when she gets up in Kim’s face it’s like she’s chastising a child. With a two year old, you have to get down in their face and make it perfectly clear that mama ain’t playing. And if you don’t shut your damn mouth and quit that crying, mama’s gonna pop your eyeballs out and set them on the counter so you can watch mama snapping your neck. Like a chicken bone. Now go get mama a beer out of the fridge.

Kim spies Thomas Kramer and zips off to greet him. I, for one, marveled at Kim’s restraint here. After having seen that episode I fully plan a much more elaborate and enthusiastic greeting should I ever have the chance to meet this dude. Charming accent, quick wit and money out the wazoo. I would be all over that like Jill Zarin in a gifting suite.

 

Take notes, Deena. THIS is a walking holiday.

We do have to give it to Nene for staying in character for the whole trip. You have to be dedicated to greet someone who’s opened his massive home to you (a stranger) for a weekend with an insult as to his choice of friends. Here we all thought that Kim was unable to be mortified, but nope, Nene’s managed to do that, too. No matter, though, as our new hero is too charming to be undone by Nene’s attitude. A quick inquiry to find out if the ladies are there to fight or have a good time and he slides right on by to greet Cynthia. Smooooooth.

 

Although Kim was already at threat level orange with Nene, she’s now in full-on red alert mode and back in Nene’s face to school her on how proper ladies behave when they are a guest in someone’s home. Nene draws herself up even further, which I was unaware was possible, and towers over Kim to get her to back down. Yay, Kim, for not cowering! I don’t know what Derek J weaves into those wigs but I’m starting to bet it includes strands of Kevlar and a dusting of PCP for courage. Tinselkitty would like three, please, Derek J. Extra confidence roots, please.

Wait a minute. Doesn’t Nene have her own little domestic violence charity, too? Did she have to start her own because none of the established organizations wanted to be involved with someone who so often tries to intimidate others with her size and threats of physical violence? Just wondering.

Kim and Sweetie split off from the group and head out to the stoop for a ciggy and some girl talk. Kim asks Sweetie if she’d tell Kim if she felt like she was being treated like a slave. Sweetie assures Kim that she would and then calls Nene a dumb ass. Great line, Sweetie. The delivery was perfect. I won’t lie, I rewound it a few times to relive the pleasure.

Since we are on the subject, let me just stop here for a minute and say that I don’t think Kim’s racist. I don’t think Kim’s aware enough to be racist. I happen to think she’s generally oblivious to things of that nature. I don’t think she says things that are offensive to be offensive. She just doesn’t think about it enough to realize that there are some things you don’t say. As for her relationship with Sweetie, they’ve been together for 11 years. I can’t imagine Sweetie would stick around that long if she thought Kim had issues with black folks. That being said, I also think Kim would treat any assistant the same way she treats Sweetie, no matter what their race, religion, nationality or sexuality. It’s all about Kim. All Kim, all the time. Get on board or out the door.

While Kim was apologizing to Sweetie, Nene had rallied the troops to rehash the fight. Kandi pipes up and says she isn’t a fan of how Kim speaks to Sweetie, either, but she isn’t nearly as eyeball-poppin’ passionate as Nene. That’s okay, though, because Nene’s already veered off onto Vicki Gunvalson Highway and is quickly approaching the Ramona Road exit into Just Us Girls Town.

Was anyone else taken aback by the shot of Nene and Kim from an earlier season? Damn, they sure look different now.

Nene’s realized that Just Us Girls Town is just a mirage at this point, so she’s planning on striking out on her own in search of this mystic wonderland. She’s never going to find it while she’s with these losers and all their friends so there is no reason to stick around. Kandi and Cynthia mistakenly talk her off the ledge and doom themselves to a weekend of misery. We also learn that Cynthia has never watched a reality show when she says, “the worst is over, it can only go up.” Oh, Cynthia. That’s so cute.

Thomas the Bank Engine has finally tracked down Kim to let her know that dinner will be ready in an hour. Thomas listened to Kim apologize for a little and then reassured Kim her that it was all good and he understood. Then he stuck the landing with this – “I know her since two minutes and that’s pretty much enough.” Hey, where did all my clothes go? I swear I just had on jeans and a sweatshirt and now I’m sitting in front of the tv buck nekkid. Whew, diggity. Call me, Thomas! No excuses. I know you’ve got unlimited minutes on your cell plan.

Dinner is a fairly uneventful affair until Thomas walks in with Lawrence. Damnit, no one is playing by the rules!

Side note to Phaedra – that was Pan on the ceiling. I thought you were all into the Greek mythology thing.

 

Guess it's time to change it from "panic" to "Neneic"

 

A new day arrives and a good night’s rest has only served to strengthen the beast for the long haul. Hard to believe a house that size wouldn’t have any breakfast food in it, don’t you think? Not even a crust of bread for Nene. Sad face. Lip gloss helps. Nene must have felt her reserves weakening, though, as evidenced by her call for back up.

 

Sometimes happiness is just over your shoulder.

While they are waiting for Kandi to finish getting ready, Kim wanders outside to pass out from heat exhaustion by Thomas. Happily, Kim soon discovers a bit of heaven right there in the pool area: a giant mirror in front of the jacuzzi. If only she had a glass of wine to go with her cigarette. Hell, in that dress, she could stand there and drink all day and just pee as needed. In front of a mirror! You know Kim’ll be hitting up that spot at least once more before heading home.

 

The big show, and I say that in the loosest way, is finally upon us and Kim gets to sing one song. Being the ever so smart show biz maven, she chooses to go with Tardy for the Party. When in doubt, you always go with the song that is going to piss off your rival the most. Did anyone else catch the bag that was sitting on Phaedra’s lap? I didn’t notice it the first time around. It’s a bag inside of a bigger, clear bag. It’s a metabag.

For realz, this show looks like the cops blocked off all the entrances to the beach park and then told everyone that was already there that they had to assemble in front of the stage. It sounded to me like there was a fair amount of jeering from the crowd during Kim’s song, but the ladies were complimentary on her performance. Except for Nene, natch.

While Cynthia jets off to her runway show prep, the rest of the gang heads back to Thomas the Bank Engine’s house for lunch. I bet he makes a ching-ching sound like one of those old cash registers when he hits the big O. Anyway, Sweetie’s got her prop luggage and is ready for her banishment from Miami but gets a last minute reprieve. You see, Nene’s back-up, Diana, aka The Hulk, has finally arrived and Nene no longer has to wage her battle alone.

 

Protip - you don't want that name in your mouth because it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

I was so sad to see Nene devolve back into her nasty side in the last few episodes and was hoping it was a situational thing that could be blamed on problems at home or something similar. My last bit of hope was squashed upon seeing the look of glee and satisfaction on Nene’s face when Diana got to going on Kim for having her name in Kim’s mouth. There is nothing positive that I could spin on that look. It reminded me of Camille Grammer’s smug little wriggle at The Dinner Party from Hell as Allison Dubois went on attack on her behalf. My opinion of Nene will forever be tainted by that one little move. For shame, Nene. For shame.

 

Cynthia’s runway show is next on the agenda and, in a stunning unveiling, Cynthia whips out her butt and shocks us all. Swear to ceiling cat, I have not once seen that booty on her, all season. Damn, woman! You go on with your hot ass self. Cynthia’s rear end is so entrancing that Nene decides Cynthia has turned out to be a really good friend, unlike the rest of those bitches. Never underestimate the power of the bubble.

Now that the runway show is over, Cynthia can eat again. It’s just too bad that the rest of the ladies won’t stop talking about that damn wedding. You know she’s got to be really upset to not eat for however long she went without food and then to walk away from a yummy plate of goodies sitting right in front of her. Do you think Phaedra had to prompt Nene to go after her buddy? That’s what it sounded like to me but perhaps it’s another case of evil editor man. In any case, Nene follows and pounces on her opportunity to get out of there by manipulating Cynthia into thinking it would be best to leave. Wow, Nene, my opinion of you is falling fast.

Sheree’s got Nene’s number, though, and knows Cynthia’s decision to leave wasn’t really Cynthia’s decision. Thankfully she decided to go find Cynthia and rescue her from under Nene’s ass and talk her into staying. Sensing her grasp on Cynthia is slipping, Nene makes a last ditch effort to keep her plans for leaving in place by telling Cynthia how, if it were her, she would not have a girls weekend there. You can almost hear the mental addition of “with these hateful bitches” through the music.

 

What do you mean I give this money to you? That's not how I roll, stripper dude.

And what a good thing it was that Sheree calmed Cynthia down and got her head back on right. There were strippers at stake, yo! Phaedra doesn’t want to waste a fun night of entertainment. Kandi concurs, a stripper is a terrible thing to waste. Kim casts the securing vote with her desire to see strippers and penis. And the motion is passed.

 

All right, everyone who thinks the only reason this week’s episode was an extended version was because Andy Cohen wanted to include stripper scenes raise your hands. Okay…okay…yep, we’re all in agreement. Wonder how involved Andy was with the editing on this scene. Nene’s still pissed. Damnit, there are strippers! At a bachelorette party! The goddamned nerve! Lawrence was happy enough for both of them.

Speaking of Miss Lawrence, can we have a one woman Housewives show with Lawrence playing all the parts? That would be hilarious! Andy, make it happen. You still owe us for Danielle.

As all good bachelorette parties do, the conversation turned to sex and blow jobs. Cynthia is glad she decided to stay, even if she doesn’t like giving blow jobs and doesn’t have much confidence in the goodness of hers. Kandi informs her that you have to love doing it if you want to be great. Cynthia, hear me now and trust me later, no you don’t. Besides, from what I hear, any blow job is a good blow job. Just remember, turnabout is fair play, my friend. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

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57 Responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP – Floridon’t”

  1. Dy said

    Totally agree Rosie.

    NeNe is just not nice,she never has been.She can be funny with some of the best one liners there are. But when you break down her behavior..Whoa!! Like Kandi said last season when talking to NeNe “You bring the hood everywhere you go”.Like you said before, she can’t help herself.

  2. Dani said

    Oh my God TK, you do have the gift of snark. There were some zingers in there that were truly inspirational.

    No doubt about it, NeNe is a runaway train at this point in the season. GSus may be right that she is playing to the cameras to some extent but that girl has fire in her eyes and is consumed by jelousy and or hatred of Kim. Can she amp it up anymore? Andy must be in seventh heaven right now.

  3. Dy said

    I love that picture Tinsel posted of NeNe, it freakin cracks me up!

  4. […] Read more: Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP – Floridon't « Tv Time 101 […]

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