Real Housewives of Beverly Hills RECAP – How to Behave

Finally, after two long weeks we finally got a new Housewives. I was a lot more excited about it on Tuesday, but then we spent 17 years with Not Kelsey’s Wife yesterday and I’m a bit on the exhausted side.

Luckily, travel has always been one of my favorite stress relievers and this week’s episode begins with a trip to the City of Vanderpump. If you’ve not been there, I highly recommend it. Though small for a city, you could easily spend days and days exploring the area. The Vanderpump Botanical Gardens seem to bloom year round, though I hear they are having trouble with their gardeners not pruning the dead roses. Over at Vanderpump Aquatics, you can spend the day sunning and enjoying the magnificent wildlife. They also have a doggie cabana. In the evenings, the entire town gathers for dinner with Lisa and Ken Vanderpump and Giggy the Pom.

If you are looking to enjoy the manly scenery, you may want to book your reservation soon. Rumors have been circulating that one of their residents may be on the verge of being run out of town. To hear tell, when this happens the citizen is strapped to the back of one of the two local swans and set by the gate. If you happen to witness this delightful scene, please be so kind as to send pictures to us asap.

I just push this one, here?

Far outside the City of Vanderpump, Kelsey Grammer’s next ex wriggles herself into place on a stone wall in anticipation of dialing the phone all by herselfs. Two times! She gets to call two people! This is an exciting day because her live in IT guru and her telephone manager usually gang up to keep her from touching anything digital, mechanical or electronic. Since it’s such a big occasion, drinks are to be served on the patio.

Has anyone else noticed how many close ups Bravo has done of Not Kelsey’s Wife’s beverage? Sometimes I think the producers are trying to send coded messages to the audience. I’ll have to go back on the DVR and freeze frame through that shot. Perhaps the ice cubes have been arranged to spell out “help me”.

NKW is, once again and always, being the bigger person and inviting the girls over for tennis. Not that being the bigger person in Beverly Hills is any great feat. What does that mean? She weighs 92 pounds? Shucks, did I say girls? I meant just Adrienne and Kyle and some of NKW’s army. This is a good bet for NKW. She can’t handle all of the ladies at once so she needs to cull the herd. Kyle has to be there since she’s the one NKW has a beef textured soy with. Adrienne presents no threat at all since she refuses to stoop to that level.

Some of our more cynical readers may have come away from this episode thinking that NKW had manufactured a scenario whereby NKW set the playing field to her own favorite turf – bikini body wars. You might have heard her twice say she wanted to get the girls together to do something physical. You may have even been so jaded as to notice that when Kyle told NKW that she wasn’t good at tennis, NKW said “that’s perfect”. I can see how you might assume this was all an elaborate, Maciavellic plot to get that bitch back.

If that described your reaction to NKW’s genuine, heartfelt effort at reconciliation, you are hereby ordered to immediately cease viewing of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. When NKW agreed to do this show, she did so with full faith that you would believe every word she said and that you would never engage in thought editing. NKW put a lot of thought into pursuing this project. FSM knows Kelsey was no help, as he was constantly vacillating between forcing her to do the show to cover up his affair to being a control freak and trying to keep her from doing the show at all. Finally, she decided all by herselfs that she would do the show but no one told her about your evil, editing ways, you nasty, nasty audience. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Thankfully, NKW is so kind and giving that she is willing to give us one more shot before fully committing to either quitting or returning. She has graciously filmed the reunion but if any of you assholes even look at her sideways, she’s out of there. This is serious, jerks. Don’t even fast forward through the commercials. You sit there for the whole hour and you like it. As soon as it’s done, you immediately take to the internet to file your compliments and praises of NKW’s character and performance.

You are all just lucky that NKW is the kind of person that likes to move on from things and not endlessly beat dead horses. That goes with the good stuff, too, you know. When have you ever heard of NKW helping someone out and then talking about it again later? And later? And another time, too? That’s right. Everyone knows she’s at least 30% more charitable than Kelly Bensimon. She just chooses not to bring it up all the damn time.

 

Don't mind me, I'm just here in the middle, trying to eat my dinner around your heads.

Holy travel agent, Batman, I almost forgot to tell you about the best part of visiting the City of Vanderpump. The natives there have the best frikken accents in the world. For a taste, I refer you to Pandora Vanderpump’s cameo. How charming is that? She speaks the Queen’s American! While wearing sequins! I hereby move that we formally adopt Queen’s American in Sequins as the official language of TV Time 101. All in favor, click and leave me a flattering comment. I will go ahead and assume no one is opposed. It’s good to be the king.

 

I was so delighted by Pandora’s lilt that even listening to Cedric had lost a bit of its luster. This can probably be rectified by applying a layer of sequins but Cedric did not indulge that request. Instead, he regaled Kyle with “the story”. It was during this segment that Tinselkitty’s awesome power of deep observation (unrelated to Woogleness but equally as desirable) caused two alarm bells to sound deep withing the noggin.

The lightsaber sound effect alarm buzzed me in on the heavy handedness of the score. Why are you looking at me like that? There’s music, and you know whoever is in charge of it fancies himself much more than just a music picker. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying the musical cues have been downright gauche. It’s as if they think we need a map all drawn out so we can follow the storyline. Maybe if they didn’t edit it so poorly…

The cowbell alarm rang when Kyle made two comments that hinted at this story being, shall we say, less than truthful. Yes, let’s say less than truthful.

“Listening to Cedric’s story, I kept thinking how incredible it was. It’s almost hard to believe.”

“Obviously, Cedric’s story has touched Lisa and Ken in a deep way.  I just hope he’s sincere.”

Hearing those for the third time, they totally sound like Kyle was reading a prepared statement. It almost sounded like she was being directed to say those things. I’m sure that wasn’t the case, though, as we all know that directing is wickedly close to editing over here in reality world.

I didn’t pick up on these two statements the first time around. It was after watching WWHL that they stuck out. Andy asked Bethenny if she thought Cedric’s story was true. That question struck me as odd and it sat in my head as I watched the second time. We all know SPOILER ALERT that Lisa and Cedric eventually had a falling out and Cedric moved out. Are we witnessing the straw that finally broke Lisa’s devotion? This video over at Bravo seems to be pointing us down that road, but lets ask Allison Dubois. Just for good measure.

Okay, I just asked her and she said no. She told me that Cedric is actually a serial killer that was using the Turkish bath as a prison for his victims before he killed them. All that chlorinated water right there made clean up super handy. Once Lisa discovered his inner Dexter and that Cedric was getting rid of the bodies by packaging it up as steaks for Villa Blanca, Cedric split and is now holed up in a cave in Afghanistan.

Blissfully oblivious to the horror going on in Vanderpump City, Kyle and Adrienne bop over to Kelsey Grammer’s house to play tennis with his next ex. Kyle arrives looking so gorgeous! Gorgeous! We love that top! Stunning, really, just stunning. Said top can be seen at the top of this article, right below the lovely sneer.

Paul is still sporting his nose bandage like a champ. Adrienne tells us that her four year old buttfaced Paul. We should probably start some sort of Queen’s American in Sequins translation reference now. Our numbers here are growing and we want our newbies to feel welcomed, not alienated by our peculiar phrases. If someone could please make note that the term buttfaced in QAiS translates to headbutted in English, that would be awesome.

"At the time that I knew them, they were not living together. I didn't really see fighting," said Kissyface Kaelin.

NKW’s other guests are arriving. It’s good to see that Kato Kaelin is still hanging out in California with wealthy women. Who knew he got married and plays tennis? Not cool swapping spit with NKW while his wife is standing right there, but Allison Dubois says that relationship isn’t long for this world, anyway, so who cares.

The dining portion of the Tennis, Tea and Tits event is hosted outside because there’s not really much room inside once NKW’s overblown ego enters a room. Some light cattiness is endured by Paul and Mauricio, but what you, dear readers, need to focus on is the cupcake chandelier. You see, those are real crystals hanging from each tier. No fake crystals here in Beverly Hills. Engineered glass, my ass. Real crystals! I made some real crystals once when I was 12. I might dig out my box of Borax and make some more to send to NKW as a thank you gift. After all, there is no way in hell we would have grown so much without her help.

Oh, see what NKW did there? She distracted us with shiny, dangly things and then POW! her boobs were out. Snigglegiggles, I totally did that to y’all yesterday, too. BAM! and there they were. If y’all weren’t a bunch of jealous bitches with raging cases of female jealousy (insert another overly obvious music drop), you would have gotten into your bikinis, too. Whatever. You’ll get over it. I’ll even help you get over your bitchy jealous ways by having NKW toss you your very own I’m-so-sexy-are-you-looking-at-me-boys looks from the pool.

Let me lift my nipples just above the water line so you can see them better.

Excellent, you’re over it. I can tell because Kyle makes a point to say how glad she is that everyone SEEMS to be getting along, what with the white party and all tomorrow night. For fux sake, Bravo, do you think we’ve all gotten too stupid to follow along with your editing mischief without smacking us upside the head with hints?

Can we just stop and discuss white parties for a moment? I’ll show my ignorance and ask what the hell is the point? How are you supposed to let loose and enjoy yourself when you’re decked out in white and eating a Fatburger? Is it to keep people from drinking too much and getting so sloppy they spill? Because I’ll do a damn runaround on that reasoning and drink mojitos all night. Is this another rich people thing? This is why I’ve never embezzled money from any of my employers. I’d be a horrible rich person.

The one nice thing about white parties is that they finally give the ladies a chance to relax and let the men worry about the ridiculous outfit factor. Those women all looked great in white. For once, though, the dudes couldn’t just throw on a suit and have instant swoon factor. Check out the hot scale we’ve got going on with our guys.

Wow, Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire, not only did you tell Taylor she could get her mouth around Cedric’s double Fatburger, you got her to laugh and then do it. Is there nothing you can’t do, Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire? You truly are a superhero.

If only Taylor could get that Fatburger to boogie with her, because Russell isn’t having it. As this point I’m torn. On the one hand, Russell might just be magnificently awkward and uncomfortable in social situations. On the other, he could be a controlling douche. I’m filing that one away until I see a little more but what Taylor is saying is concerning.

NKW finally arrives and has brought two presents for Kyle. You would have thought from the previews that this book was going to be a focus of the evening but it was just not to be. Kyle and NKW have taken it off caps lock and are now content to shoot the side-eye at each other.

Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire agrees with Tinselkitty that NKW needs to be reading that book herself. Have I mentioned how much I love her, lately?

Longest, saddest legs in Housewives history

Sad Panda is extra sad because she’s been looking forward to a little bump and grind with Russell and he pulls a fuddy duddy on her. Taylor keeps telling us that Russell is her big Texas cowboy but it’s becoming real crystal clear that her image of Russell is vastly different than Russell. One imagines that big Texas cowboy Russell is much like Mauricio, who lets Kyle be who she is, is a strong guy who can also be sensitive with his wife and confident enough to get out there on the dance floor with Kyle and dance in front of a crowd. One sees that real Russell, not so much any of those. Taylor desperately wants to bring Russell over from the dark side to the fun side. We know she’s desperate because the music tells us so.

A heart to heart with Kyle reveals that Kyle’s got some of her own misgivings going on about Russell. Taylor then says something that saddens me to the core. She is surrounded by people but is so lonely. She has this life that she wants to celebrate and she wants so much for Russell to celebrate with her. I hope that Taylor can figure out her issues and move to correct them before blowing another $60,000 on a child’s birthday party. Use your resources wisely, Taylor. There are millions of women who would kill for a tenth of that so that they might remove themselves and their children from an abusive situation. Don’t blow your opportunity to make your life better.