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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills RECAP – How to Behave

Posted by tinselkitty on January 7, 2011


Finally, after two long weeks we finally got a new Housewives. I was a lot more excited about it on Tuesday, but then we spent 17 years with Not Kelsey’s Wife yesterday and I’m a bit on the exhausted side.

Luckily, travel has always been one of my favorite stress relievers and this week’s episode begins with a trip to the City of Vanderpump. If you’ve not been there, I highly recommend it. Though small for a city, you could easily spend days and days exploring the area. The Vanderpump Botanical Gardens seem to bloom year round, though I hear they are having trouble with their gardeners not pruning the dead roses. Over at Vanderpump Aquatics, you can spend the day sunning and enjoying the magnificent wildlife. They also have a doggie cabana. In the evenings, the entire town gathers for dinner with Lisa and Ken Vanderpump and Giggy the Pom.

If you are looking to enjoy the manly scenery, you may want to book your reservation soon. Rumors have been circulating that one of their residents may be on the verge of being run out of town. To hear tell, when this happens the citizen is strapped to the back of one of the two local swans and set by the gate. If you happen to witness this delightful scene, please be so kind as to send pictures to us asap.

I just push this one, here?

Far outside the City of Vanderpump, Kelsey Grammer’s next ex wriggles herself into place on a stone wall in anticipation of dialing the phone all by herselfs. Two times! She gets to call two people! This is an exciting day because her live in IT guru and her telephone manager usually gang up to keep her from touching anything digital, mechanical or electronic. Since it’s such a big occasion, drinks are to be served on the patio.

Has anyone else noticed how many close ups Bravo has done of Not Kelsey’s Wife’s beverage? Sometimes I think the producers are trying to send coded messages to the audience. I’ll have to go back on the DVR and freeze frame through that shot. Perhaps the ice cubes have been arranged to spell out “help me”.

NKW is, once again and always, being the bigger person and inviting the girls over for tennis. Not that being the bigger person in Beverly Hills is any great feat. What does that mean? She weighs 92 pounds? Shucks, did I say girls? I meant just Adrienne and Kyle and some of NKW’s army. This is a good bet for NKW. She can’t handle all of the ladies at once so she needs to cull the herd. Kyle has to be there since she’s the one NKW has a beef textured soy with. Adrienne presents no threat at all since she refuses to stoop to that level.

Some of our more cynical readers may have come away from this episode thinking that NKW had manufactured a scenario whereby NKW set the playing field to her own favorite turf – bikini body wars. You might have heard her twice say she wanted to get the girls together to do something physical. You may have even been so jaded as to notice that when Kyle told NKW that she wasn’t good at tennis, NKW said “that’s perfect”. I can see how you might assume this was all an elaborate, Maciavellic plot to get that bitch back.

If that described your reaction to NKW’s genuine, heartfelt effort at reconciliation, you are hereby ordered to immediately cease viewing of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. When NKW agreed to do this show, she did so with full faith that you would believe every word she said and that you would never engage in thought editing. NKW put a lot of thought into pursuing this project. FSM knows Kelsey was no help, as he was constantly vacillating between forcing her to do the show to cover up his affair to being a control freak and trying to keep her from doing the show at all. Finally, she decided all by herselfs that she would do the show but no one told her about your evil, editing ways, you nasty, nasty audience. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Thankfully, NKW is so kind and giving that she is willing to give us one more shot before fully committing to either quitting or returning. She has graciously filmed the reunion but if any of you assholes even look at her sideways, she’s out of there. This is serious, jerks. Don’t even fast forward through the commercials. You sit there for the whole hour and you like it. As soon as it’s done, you immediately take to the internet to file your compliments and praises of NKW’s character and performance.

You are all just lucky that NKW is the kind of person that likes to move on from things and not endlessly beat dead horses. That goes with the good stuff, too, you know. When have you ever heard of NKW helping someone out and then talking about it again later? And later? And another time, too? That’s right. Everyone knows she’s at least 30% more charitable than Kelly Bensimon. She just chooses not to bring it up all the damn time.

 

Don't mind me, I'm just here in the middle, trying to eat my dinner around your heads.

Holy travel agent, Batman, I almost forgot to tell you about the best part of visiting the City of Vanderpump. The natives there have the best frikken accents in the world. For a taste, I refer you to Pandora Vanderpump’s cameo. How charming is that? She speaks the Queen’s American! While wearing sequins! I hereby move that we formally adopt Queen’s American in Sequins as the official language of TV Time 101. All in favor, click and leave me a flattering comment. I will go ahead and assume no one is opposed. It’s good to be the king.

 

I was so delighted by Pandora’s lilt that even listening to Cedric had lost a bit of its luster. This can probably be rectified by applying a layer of sequins but Cedric did not indulge that request. Instead, he regaled Kyle with “the story”. It was during this segment that Tinselkitty’s awesome power of deep observation (unrelated to Woogleness but equally as desirable) caused two alarm bells to sound deep withing the noggin.

The lightsaber sound effect alarm buzzed me in on the heavy handedness of the score. Why are you looking at me like that? There’s music, and you know whoever is in charge of it fancies himself much more than just a music picker. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying the musical cues have been downright gauche. It’s as if they think we need a map all drawn out so we can follow the storyline. Maybe if they didn’t edit it so poorly

The cowbell alarm rang when Kyle made two comments that hinted at this story being, shall we say, less than truthful. Yes, let’s say less than truthful.

“Listening to Cedric’s story, I kept thinking how incredible it was. It’s almost hard to believe.”

“Obviously, Cedric’s story has touched Lisa and Ken in a deep way.  I just hope he’s sincere.”

Hearing those for the third time, they totally sound like Kyle was reading a prepared statement. It almost sounded like she was being directed to say those things. I’m sure that wasn’t the case, though, as we all know that directing is wickedly close to editing over here in reality world.

I didn’t pick up on these two statements the first time around. It was after watching WWHL that they stuck out. Andy asked Bethenny if she thought Cedric’s story was true. That question struck me as odd and it sat in my head as I watched the second time. We all know SPOILER ALERT that Lisa and Cedric eventually had a falling out and Cedric moved out. Are we witnessing the straw that finally broke Lisa’s devotion? This video over at Bravo seems to be pointing us down that road, but lets ask Allison Dubois. Just for good measure.

Okay, I just asked her and she said no. She told me that Cedric is actually a serial killer that was using the Turkish bath as a prison for his victims before he killed them. All that chlorinated water right there made clean up super handy. Once Lisa discovered his inner Dexter and that Cedric was getting rid of the bodies by packaging it up as steaks for Villa Blanca, Cedric split and is now holed up in a cave in Afghanistan.

Blissfully oblivious to the horror going on in Vanderpump City, Kyle and Adrienne bop over to Kelsey Grammer’s house to play tennis with his next ex. Kyle arrives looking so gorgeous! Gorgeous! We love that top! Stunning, really, just stunning. Said top can be seen at the top of this article, right below the lovely sneer.

Paul is still sporting his nose bandage like a champ. Adrienne tells us that her four year old buttfaced Paul. We should probably start some sort of Queen’s American in Sequins translation reference now. Our numbers here are growing and we want our newbies to feel welcomed, not alienated by our peculiar phrases. If someone could please make note that the term buttfaced in QAiS translates to headbutted in English, that would be awesome.

"At the time that I knew them, they were not living together. I didn't really see fighting," said Kissyface Kaelin.

NKW’s other guests are arriving. It’s good to see that Kato Kaelin is still hanging out in California with wealthy women. Who knew he got married and plays tennis? Not cool swapping spit with NKW while his wife is standing right there, but Allison Dubois says that relationship isn’t long for this world, anyway, so who cares.

The dining portion of the Tennis, Tea and Tits event is hosted outside because there’s not really much room inside once NKW’s overblown ego enters a room. Some light cattiness is endured by Paul and Mauricio, but what you, dear readers, need to focus on is the cupcake chandelier. You see, those are real crystals hanging from each tier. No fake crystals here in Beverly Hills. Engineered glass, my ass. Real crystals! I made some real crystals once when I was 12. I might dig out my box of Borax and make some more to send to NKW as a thank you gift. After all, there is no way in hell we would have grown so much without her help.

Oh, see what NKW did there? She distracted us with shiny, dangly things and then POW! her boobs were out. Snigglegiggles, I totally did that to y’all yesterday, too. BAM! and there they were. If y’all weren’t a bunch of jealous bitches with raging cases of female jealousy (insert another overly obvious music drop), you would have gotten into your bikinis, too. Whatever. You’ll get over it. I’ll even help you get over your bitchy jealous ways by having NKW toss you your very own I’m-so-sexy-are-you-looking-at-me-boys looks from the pool.

Let me lift my nipples just above the water line so you can see them better.

Excellent, you’re over it. I can tell because Kyle makes a point to say how glad she is that everyone SEEMS to be getting along, what with the white party and all tomorrow night. For fux sake, Bravo, do you think we’ve all gotten too stupid to follow along with your editing mischief without smacking us upside the head with hints?

Can we just stop and discuss white parties for a moment? I’ll show my ignorance and ask what the hell is the point? How are you supposed to let loose and enjoy yourself when you’re decked out in white and eating a Fatburger? Is it to keep people from drinking too much and getting so sloppy they spill? Because I’ll do a damn runaround on that reasoning and drink mojitos all night. Is this another rich people thing? This is why I’ve never embezzled money from any of my employers. I’d be a horrible rich person.

The one nice thing about white parties is that they finally give the ladies a chance to relax and let the men worry about the ridiculous outfit factor. Those women all looked great in white. For once, though, the dudes couldn’t just throw on a suit and have instant swoon factor. Check out the hot scale we’ve got going on with our guys.

Wow, Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire, not only did you tell Taylor she could get her mouth around Cedric’s double Fatburger, you got her to laugh and then do it. Is there nothing you can’t do, Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire? You truly are a superhero.

If only Taylor could get that Fatburger to boogie with her, because Russell isn’t having it. As this point I’m torn. On the one hand, Russell might just be magnificently awkward and uncomfortable in social situations. On the other, he could be a controlling douche. I’m filing that one away until I see a little more but what Taylor is saying is concerning.

NKW finally arrives and has brought two presents for Kyle. You would have thought from the previews that this book was going to be a focus of the evening but it was just not to be. Kyle and NKW have taken it off caps lock and are now content to shoot the side-eye at each other.

Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire agrees with Tinselkitty that NKW needs to be reading that book herself. Have I mentioned how much I love her, lately?

Longest, saddest legs in Housewives history

Sad Panda is extra sad because she’s been looking forward to a little bump and grind with Russell and he pulls a fuddy duddy on her. Taylor keeps telling us that Russell is her big Texas cowboy but it’s becoming real crystal clear that her image of Russell is vastly different than Russell. One imagines that big Texas cowboy Russell is much like Mauricio, who lets Kyle be who she is, is a strong guy who can also be sensitive with his wife and confident enough to get out there on the dance floor with Kyle and dance in front of a crowd. One sees that real Russell, not so much any of those. Taylor desperately wants to bring Russell over from the dark side to the fun side. We know she’s desperate because the music tells us so.

A heart to heart with Kyle reveals that Kyle’s got some of her own misgivings going on about Russell. Taylor then says something that saddens me to the core. She is surrounded by people but is so lonely. She has this life that she wants to celebrate and she wants so much for Russell to celebrate with her. I hope that Taylor can figure out her issues and move to correct them before blowing another $60,000 on a child’s birthday party. Use your resources wisely, Taylor. There are millions of women who would kill for a tenth of that so that they might remove themselves and their children from an abusive situation. Don’t blow your opportunity to make your life better.

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128 Responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills RECAP – How to Behave”

  1. G-sus said

    Hi CAgirl! Agree that this episode was a lot easier to watch. I really hope NKW has really seen why people are disgusted with her and it’s not some PR move to try and explain away her behavior. It has got to be really hard to see yourself on TV and realize the things that come out of your mouth are pretty unflattering. She definitely has a lot of issues to deal with. Sure I think Camille was edited to be a certain way, but I think in all of these circumstances, Bravo simply takes their certain personality traits and focuses on them.
    Camille does have my sympathy, and more so her children. It has to be hard to have to go through something so public. You should watch the Access Hollywood interview she gave. Seems she says that the Bravo producers egged on the drama.
    As always, there are probably two sides to every story. There probably is a reason Kelsey only communicates to her by text or email, but it really bothers me on how public he is with his new GF, especially for the children’s sake.

  2. Dy said

    @48 Hi CAgirl

    Well it was the first day/ night so yea so far she has sheets on the freakin bed lol. I loved how all last season, that chica never ever took off her make-up when she went to bed..oh thats right she never left that freakin bed.

    Ooo, The Apartment another great Jack Lemon movie!

  3. Dy said

    @1 It’s not the first time that a housewive has said that Bravo eggs on the Drama..RT posted today that when D’LuLu got he message about Victoria’s utube video, the Bravo cameras were there and wanted to flim her reaction and such, D’LuLu shut that shit down like now, good for her! There is a line, enough is enough.

    When my sister and her x were going through their divorce,he would only comunicate through email, texts, same thing happened with one of my friends..It’s a coward way out,not to want to talk face to face or on the phone.

  4. Rosie said

    Fluer

  5. Rosie said

    Opps. .. Hit submit by accident.

    Fleur! So good you’re back!

    Hi CAgirl..
    I saw Ellen today too. Camille came off well, and Ellen asked the right questions.

  6. Rosie said

    Oh God Mikki.. I do remember the mouth on that guy! Lol.

  7. CAgirl said

    Hi G-Sus (love your name, BTW), I have disliked NKW intensely since she came upon my TV, but now…feel a little bad for her. Divorce sucks, and maybe she was ragingly insecure when she was filming. I wouldn’t ever want to hang out with her, but the rage after the dinner party from hell has subsided. I’m also certain that Bravo manipulated the edit to make me feel this way :).

    Hi Dy, Did Samantha Sleep# leave the bed in the season premier?? I can’t wait to watch it!!! It’s the only show hubby and I watch together (he’s a NJ guy), so I’m waiting for the football game to end so we can watch already!!!!

  8. CAgirl said

    Hi Rosie! I DVR’ed it. Thought she did some good damage control. Maybe those high power PR people intervened, and did some good for once.

  9. Rosie said

    CAgirl..
    Sammie only left the bed to watch Ronny defend her in a rage! Most of the time she was in bed. Poor Mike has to share a room with Sam & Ron. Those morons took a room with 3 beds.

  10. mikki12 said

    I can tell you one of the reasons Camille came off well on Ellen’s show. If anyone knows what it is to be vilified it’s Ellen. When Ellen first came out of the closet her career almost went down the tubes. So,Camille doing Ellen’s show was a smart move. I’m sure she had a sympathetic host. I may not love Camille. I may not even like her. But I like to think that I am fair. And Kelsey should not be getting a “free pass.” Dr. Fraiser Crane was a part he played not who he is. Too often the public forgets that a role a person plays is NOT the person.

  11. Rosie said

    CAgirl..
    I TiVoed! Lol. She did handle herself well.

  12. Rosie said

    Hi Mikki ..
    Ellen does know how it feels. She still asked the right questions, while being kind. Camille has two weeks to decide if she’s coming back.

  13. Dy said

    Yep CAgirl ..What Rosie said @9

    Lord Sammi is gonna work my last nerve AGAIN this season..Geeze!! I wanted to cut her some kind of slack, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO, She had to come out guns blazing being a Bitch, laying in bed..Just being a Jerk

  14. Dy said

    @10 Mikki

    Right on Sista! Well said!

  15. CAgirl said

    Oh man, I can’t wait to watch!!! The shame is that Mike now has 2 spare beds, but in the same room. How is he going to pull off the 2 sets of girls when he has only 1 room to park them in??!! We’ll be watching shortly :).

    Back to RHoBH–I think NKW is getting some good advice finally. She should have known how to self-edit. Shockingly, none of these broads do, which makes me question their sanity–why would you agree to ever be on one of these shows, unless you need the money or are a desperate fame whore??

    Speaking of old movies and RHoBH, Russell and Taylor sort of remind me of an oldie but a goodie–BArefoot in the Park. Not to say that Russell is anywhere near as charming as Redford, but it’s the same idea–stuffy guy + free-spirited girl = conflict ensues! I still can’t place the Mickey Rooney character though, maybe Cedric?? Time to bunker down with JS3!!!

  16. CAgirl said

    Amen #10 Mikki!!!!!

  17. Mikki12 said

    The best thing Camille could do for herself is to move in with Lisa for a year. Hey, if Cedric could do it…I kid, I kid. But that’s what she needs. Someone like Lisa to take her under her wing and show her how to act right. I really do believe that Camille has spent so much time pleasing men that she never learned how to please women. She doesn’t even know how to act right with her own mother. Part of me would like to see her return for season 2 as the new and improved model. But part of me feels if she tries to repair her image and slips one time the viewers are going to have her for lunch. What a dilemma!

  18. Dy said

    @17 Mikki

    I really do not think people are going to give her a chance to try and turn things around seriously, no matter what she does.Just wait the gossip rags and Bloggers haven’t started yet on her appearance on Ellen.They are going to eat her up and spit her out, it will be ugly and mean. She doesn’t stand a chance in my opinion.

  19. CAgirl said

    @17 Mikki, I would totally watch that show!!! If I was NKW, I would exit and enjoy my $30M or $50M or whatever it ends up being–a lot of $$. I don’t see the point in continuing. However, I don’t think they’ll have enough drama without her, and she must have some fame-whore tendencies in her so…

  20. G-sus said

    @ CAgirl, I agree, honestly at the end of the day, Camille and the others can blame editing or say that the producers egged them on, but these women are adults. They can just say “no”. There are enough HW franchises out there to give them a clue on how the show goes. Like you said, Camille has millions, she can just walk away and live her life. I really think that some of these women surround themselves with ass-kissers and don’t have a clue how normal people will view them as oddities in society.
    Camille has no real reason to continue with the show unless it’s publicity related. If she really has her kids best interest in mind she will just go back to the private person she claims to be. To her to continue has nothing to do with money but to further her career since she now has enough to allow her to live in her current lifestyle without a problem.
    Bravo will have no trouble finding someone just like Camille to fill her place, it is BH after all.

  21. Has anyone seen Mrs. Colbert? I really miss.

  22. CAgirl said

    So true G-Sus. Each and every one of these “ladies” know what they are in for when they sign up for the show. I just don’t know why anyone would sign up for these shows, unless they wanted to be famous and didn’t care about the fans or haters that will inevitably show up, or if they need the $$. If they need the $$, then they are on the wrong show to begin with. If they have the $$, why put yourself through it, except for the fame? So I guess I’m contradicting myself, because I shouldn’t feel sorry for anyone who signs up to be on TV. Sigh…

  23. G-sus said

    CaGirl, I know, sometimes we all should just step back and realize that these women know what they signed up for. I think there have been enough examples on all levels that show that signing up for a reality tv show may get you some level of celebrity and money, but in the end it tends to destroy things like privacy and relationships. Even with Kyle, I think, why when it seems like you have a very lovely family and husband would you risk the damage that it may cause to exposing it to the public.

  24. CAgirl said

    G-Sus, you speak the truth!! That can’t claim ignorance, that’s for sure. There are too many examples of people coming off badly on these reality shows to feign ignorance. I did feel bad for NKW situation with the divorce sitch. She could have saved herself (in my eyes) had she just said she was walking away after this. But no…so perhaps (likely) she’s just like the rest, all publicity is good publicity, and personal morals/standards be damned. I suddenly find myself questioning why I watch this crap. Used to be for good snark and some escapism, I now wonder if I am more blessed than the women on TV…

  25. CAgirl said

    Damn autocorrect–THEY can’t claim ignorance!!!

  26. G-sus said

    Oh yeah, nothing makes me feel more normal and blessed than watching these gals. They are here to entertain us, and they do not disappoint. I think most of them see themselves as a character they portray on tv, unfortunately it mirrors who they are in real life.

    I’m off to bed, nighty-night all, sweet dreams.

  27. CAgirl said

    I’m taking myself to bed also–cheers all!

  28. Dy said

    Good Morning Everyone xo

    What’s Shakin’?

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