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Who the Hell Is Pooping Silver Balls?

Posted by tinselkitty on January 4, 2011


Is this some new fad diet? Do I need to take a class to learn this? Do they pop out this shiny or do you have to polish them? Why do I want to put blue dye on them? Can I send them into Cash4Gold and get paid?

By now I’m sure you’re all wondering about this sudden toilet paper fascination I’ve got going on. Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat it. I just don’t understand the latest poo push. Have we become a nation of stupid poopers? I know we’ve been royally sucking at math and science, but come on. If there’s one place where we as a nation should dominate, it should be in the FSMdamn bathroom. That’s a simple logic issue:

{

if (eating > all other nations)

toiletBowl.Show(super poop);

else

toiletBowl.Show(poop);

}

So why are the TP companies spending so much time and effort on reframing the (t)issue? Charmin’s trying to sex it up (and again, mega-ewww) and now Quilted Northern is going after the fear poo market.

Women this big are definitely going to need to flush twice.

That’s right, folks, you need to be afraid. Afraid of break through. Afraid of not getting clean enough. Afraid of being so dumb you need to have that little Actor Portrayal label on the commercial, lest you shart your pants thinking there is a new race of women so large they can only fit 15 of them in the entire contiguous US.

What are you people doing that you are A) not getting clean enough and B) breaking through the tissue? If you have to scrub that hard you need to eat more veggies and splurge on some flushable wet wipes. Or just take a damn shower afterwards.

And where are the men in this commercial? I’ve never heard a woman complaining about breaking through the tissue. Men? Yep, heard it. Probably because they are so manly and whatnot. I always assumed it was just stupid boy talk, trying to one-up each other. FSM knows they have comparison issues. But if this is really happening then I am deeply saddened. This is a harbinger of doom, my friends. Our superpower status is at stake. All because dudes don’t know how to wipe their butts.

And suddenly, horribly, skid marks make sense.

Wait. So how did women get stuck with wearing thongs, then? If anyone needs butt floss it’s the dudes. Unless…the TP companies saw how that could hurt their market share and colluded to frame thongs as women’s lingerie. Someone get me Jesse Ventura on the phone, stat!

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9 Responses to “Who the Hell Is Pooping Silver Balls?”

  1. G-sus said

    TK, you crack me up. And yes, I purposely used the word “crack”.
    I think it’s obvious what’s going on here. They are desensitizing our sense of privacy regarding toilet time in order to prepare us for the ultimate toilet tissue showdown ala Coke v. Pepsi where we get to actually watch unsuspecting individuals put the tissues to the test via secret toilet cams.

  2. BessiB said

    Good question!

  3. KurlyHairedB said

    never had a poopadoop of silver balls, but I did “do a wee” (as my youngest calls it) that was blue. This was a kajillion years ago, during my single phase. Drank Blue Maui with Blue Kool-aid, they were good going down, but skeered me coming out. We’re not talking a couple of drinks here, but a couple of bottles between the three of us. Oh, the good old days, when you drink until you are completely blitzed, wake up and pee blue. Oh, the memories…

  4. KHB, you don’t want to hold out on those BMs too long. The balls will turn into nuggets and get all jaggedy and…well, you know.

  5. KurlyHairedB said

    Well, I have seen some unusual things in the litter box- string, tinsel, feathers (not from a real bird, from their toys), stuffing from the boys stuffed animals that they tore apart. But thankfully nothing unusual in mine, though I haven’t really looked that close and I don’t want to.

  6. Olive the other Reindeer said

    Tinsel Kitty,,we are all gathered here today,,your fans,,and followers to perform an intervention…It’s cuz we Love ya’,,but Hun,u got to give up the toilet paper fetish…it’s becoming a real problem…u can’t see it but we can,,,and again it’s out of love ( re-inforcement)..ok..any one else have anything to add to this?

    U know I jest,,girl…I JEST!!!! dammit

  7. It’s not my fault, Olive. These TP companies are thrusting it in my face no matter where I turn! It’s a conspiracy!

  8. olive the other reindeer said

    Tinsel Kitty the first step is to admit you have a problem,,c’mon Hun u can do it,,we are all rooting for u

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