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Bristol Palin Accelerates Arizona’s Apocalypse

Posted by tinselkitty on December 27, 2010

Even though the rest of the world still has nearly two years left in which to rape and pillage Earth, residents of Arizona are already witnessing the beginning of the end.

Behold, the beige that is Bristol. That’s totally going into the Inner Reality paint line.

Look at all the colors! Beige, tan, khaki, sand, nude...Wait, Sarah said no nude. Get rid of the nude.

This house, located in Maricopa, Arizona, is a perfect physical representation of that which is Palin. Even the facade comes up short, a la floating pillars. In case you didn’t know, Maricopa was recently dubbed the “poster child of the housing crisis” by ABC’s Nightline.

Alright, alright, let’s get to the facts and then we’ll move on to the rumors that have the intertoobz in a tizzy.

Price – $172,000, paid in cash, yo!
Built – 2006 (originally sold for $329,560)
Square Feet – 3,929
Bedrooms – 5
Bathrooms 2.5
Garages – 3

Bristol’s new digs are within the Cobblestone Farms subdivision so she’ll have access to the community basketball courts, baseball field, soccer field, children’s play center, swimming pools and horse shoe pit. But you know what it doesn’t have? Gates. That’s right, Bristol’s done gone slumming in a non-gated community. Holy hellriders. And it goes both ways, bitches. Not only can we get to her, she can totally get to us.

At least she’s got three garages. More places to make out with whatever boyfriend she’s sure to be chaste with. No one wants to park in the wet spot and who doesn’t enjoy a change of back seat scenery once in a while?

So what are these rumors of which I speaketh? Well, sit back, get in touch with your inner conspiracy theorist, determine your level and pick your poison.

  • Bristol wants to major in photo-journalism so she’s moving to Arizona so she can go to school at ASU. Pros – ASU refused to give Obama an honorary degree when he spoke there because of his lack of accomplishment. Cons – ASU’s mascot is the Sun Devil. Not good for a proper, abstinent, Christian girl. Sarah’s going to have to donate a lot of money to get the school to change their mascot.

  • Bristol will be filming a reality show about moving from Alaska to Arizona. Wacky hi jinx are sure to ensue.

  • Arizona is set to get a new congressional district, of which Maricopa is smack in the middle of. Speculation is wild about Bristol running for office, much like Ben Quayle, son of Dan Quayle and representative of the 3rd Congressional District.

Now, Tinselkitty doesn’t like to lose, so let’s put some sparkly flavor into these rumors and see what we can come up with, shall we?

  • Bristol decided she wanted to connect more with her fans so she’s decided to become a house flipper. Cinnamon Snow’s gonna sneak up on your audience, Vanilla Ice. She’s quick to the point, to the point no fakin’.

  • Sarah’s driven her so bonkers she’s decided that, not only does she need to move to one of the lowest of the lower 48, she needs to move closer to the source of the drugs that can numb her pain. You laugh until you read this story about Pinal County.

  • Bristol will be filming a new reality show, but not about moving. Instead, she’ll be shown getting up each morning, grabbing her rifle, Fluffster, and patrolling the border as part of a citizen patrol, since God knows the pussy Democrats are too chicken to do anything about illegals sneaking into The Greatest Country In The World™ and stealing all our jobs. What, don’t believe me? Do YOU have a job right now? That’s right, no one has a job because of all these damn Mexicans.

  • The house was purchased in Bristol’s name to throw the lamestream media off the scent. Sarah will actually be moving to Arizona to snatch up that congressional seat.

  • Bristol figures if she can get paid so handsomely for being abstinent with one baby, she’ll totally make mad bank by being abstinent with four babies. She’s just moving to Arizona because she’s sick of being naked in the freezing tundra.

On a side note, to all you crazy ass Republicans that are running around screaming about how Teen Mom glamorizes, you know, teen momhood, I would like to cordially invite y’all to STFU. If anyone is glamorizing unwed pregnancy, it’s Bristol Palin. Tinselkitty cannot imagine a world in which young girls are looking at Amber Portwood and thinking to themselves, “If only I could do that.” Those dreams are saved for that unwed mother who’s getting paid $30,000 a pop to tell others not to do what she did, traveling the country to said speeches, and securing a spot on Dancing With The Stars which then allows her to buy a five bedroom house with cash.

In case anyone was wondering how much DWTS contestants can earn

Each contestant who signs on makes $125,000 for the first three weeks of rehearsal and the first two episodes, then, depending on how far they make it in the competition, $10,000 an episode for the next two weeks, $20,000 an episode for the two weeks after that, $30,000 an episode for the following two weeks and $50,000 an episode for the final two weeks.


6 Responses to “Bristol Palin Accelerates Arizona’s Apocalypse”

  1. Mrs. Hugh Jackman said

    Hi TK and everyone!

    Here’s the deal. I’m a sane a** Republican, and I want the Palins to go away. PLEASE. I was channel surfing and saw them on their new show. I know there are those who want to watch, but I couldn’t hit the remote fast enough. Where’s the bleach? I did get over it quickly as I watched the BH episode dinner from hell again where K’meal is playing the innocent routine. Forget the peroxide for your hair K’meal. I need it for my eyes.

    I always liked ASU just fine. However, I think I know why it’s having problems. My mil taught a few courses there and gave a few speeches. Seriously. I think that’s when all the trouble began. Stregas can do a lot of damage in no time.

  2. Rosie said

    Lmao. Good for you! That was a sassy post MHJ.

    Is there enough beige in that house or what? It’s the Decorating equivalent of watching grass grow or watching paint (beige) dry.

  3. Mrs. Hugh Jackman said

    @2 Rosie, thanks! Don’t get me started on strega mil. I swear, I really do think ASU was screwed when strega was there. She leaves a trail of tears at the colleges/univ. she’s been to.

    Personally, I think there could be a little bit more off-white. You know. Off-white to go with the beige and cream colors. They might what to try Winter White. I hear that’s a nice shade. WTH with builders in certain subdv. that decide on 5 swatches of paint, for interiors and exteriors, from the Off-White Series. Beiged to death.

    One time, I made the mistake of turning off too soon into a subdivision that was a retirement community I think. Every home looked the same. There were 4 choices of exterior paint color that I guess the board agreed on. There was forest green, pine green, grass green, and muddy green. It looked very cheerful with such uplifting colors. I couldn’t tell the trees from the houses.

    I love architecture and interior design. LOVE it. Is it just me, or in so many subdv. no matter the price, more & more people have had their wood, brick, or stucco painted off-white, beige, or taupe to go with black trim? I think it’s very nice, but beginning to look overdone. There is one home where the couple painted the trim with a seafoam green. Another with a French blue color. Those look great AND more unique. Watch hubby & me move into a taupe/black house after last one graduates from college. I’ll probably love it and keep it.

  4. CAgirl said

    This is too funny–you had me at the title of the post!! I was feeling very grumpy because I had to go back to work today (while hubby gets to party at home without me), but this made me laugh out loud, and now I’ll probably only need one bottle of wine tonight to get back into the holiday spirit again :).

    BTW, thanks everyone for the warm welcome and lovely shout-outs the other night!! Hope no one is snowed in without proper supplies…

  5. Olive the other Reindeer said

    Just what McCain wanted,,the Palins moving into Arizona,,,NOT!!!!!

  6. Bob said

    Ugly? Jealous? Both?

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