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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Posted by tinselkitty on December 17, 2010

The Dinner Party from Hell

Those aren't dead people you see, Allison. Those are alcohol-induced hallucinations.

How is it that we don’t all hate Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire? Sure, she looks horrid on paper:

  • Multi-million dollar house in Beverly Hills
  • Bitchin’ convertible
  • That closet
  • Jiggy
  • Cutey patootie hubs that adores her
  • Great kids
  • English accent

Why can’t we hate her? This is truly a superpower and deserves research. I propose that funding should immediately be raised to send your favorite snoopadoop, Tinselkitty P.I., to spend a year with Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire and report back.

Easing us into the night’s…festivities, we see Taylor and Not Kelsey’s Wife as they head off to their oceanside dining experience at Geoffrey’s Malibu. I totally get what the set designer was doing here. See, the ocean is a stand in for the amount of bitterness contained in the tiny package that is Not Kelsey’s Wife. Vast, deep and dangerous with a tidal range from Chinese water torture to Indian Ocean tsunami.

NKW has chosen to cozy up to Taylor because she seems playful and real and NKW trusts what she has to say. That’s the kind of trust you earn by separating someone from the herd, hanging out in their hotel room alone with them and selectively reporting on recent conversations.

As payback for her earlier services, Taylor is given a heads-up about the dinner party that NKW wants to host. It’s a peace party, in fact. Held in honor of bridge building and olive branch passing. In a sudden stroke of genius, NKW realizes that if she opens her own home to everyone, her guests will feel warm and fuzzy and comfy. Sadly, having never read The Art of War, she doesn’t realize the implications of hosting a battle on her own turf. It’s as if she hasn’t a clue as to how that can make visitors feel intimidated or on edge.

Setting a positive example of girl power and friendship for Taylor, NKW also lets slip some tasty tidbits, or should I say tidsips, regarding Allison Dubois’ penchant for adult beverages. No worries, though, because she’s fantastic.

Take that, gravity!

Over at Casa Maloof, Paul is on the search for some wifely sympathy. Seems he took a four year old foot to the nose and had to have silicone implants put in. It looks great, Paul. Your nostrils are really perky now, like the nostrils of a 22 year old. It looks like he chose an appropriate size, too. So many people go with huge implants that they regret later on down the road.

NKW’s taking the time to call her invitees personally instead of having her phone manager take care of the details. Unfortunately, it’s been so long since she had to call anyone all on her own, she’s soon flummoxed by Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire’s voice mail. Sometimes it’s not better to DIY, NKW.

Because she’s contractually obligated, Kyle answers NKW’s call. She would love to attend NKW’s cocktail party that also includes a full sit down dinner but is previously engaged. She asks NKW if she could bring her friend with her and NKW agrees, but only because her dining room table seats 12. Cocktail attire is noted.

Returning to our earlier discussion on why we can’t hate Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire, I would like to add to the list this picture of how Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire getting ready. Doesn’t she ever look like crap? What the hell?

Kyle is also getting ready for the evening while simultaneously burning cash by having her hair blown out. For realz? It’s already straight, my friend. If there is anything on this show that Tinselkitty is jealous of, it’s Kyle’s hair. Oh, and that wallpaper at Petro Zillia.

Since it’s been a few weeks since the last time she mentioned it, NKW takes a moment to restate DD’s friend status. It’s “one of her closest” in case you missed it last time. DD’s there to

A)     Do NKW’s hair and makeup in a professional capacity

B)      Be NKW’s “one of her closest” friends

C)      Both A and B

D)     Neither A nor B

As soon as I can get someone in to fix our ScanTron machine I’ll be able to give y’all the answer.

Did you know NKW collects lingerie? [giggles] No really, she does. [giggles]

Want Lisa's necklace. Gimme.

The other ladies are on the move, traveling by limo. Taylor, Adrienne and Lisa give the Salahis a lesson on how to rock a white limo in the new century.

NKW’s deigned to allow DD to attend dinner with the grown ups. Tinselkitty assumes it was understood that DD would, at all times, stay ready with a powderpuff and lipstick and do touchups on demand.

The guests arrive, looking glamorous and more tricked out that NKW in the early ‘90s. Hostess gifts are offered and martini glasses sized to match NKW’s boobs are thrust at the ladies. Lisa and Adrienne will both take to their talking heads to mention the punch these cocktails packed. Shades of Tamara, amirite?

Speaking of hostessing, NKW has shown remarkable insight and seen to it that her DFF (drunk friend forever) can fit her hands around the giant martini glasses before the other guests arrive. Don’t want any sloppy drinking now, do we?

Introductions are made all around and Allison DuDrink jumps on the opportunity to explain to everyone that Patricia Arquette plays her on the teevee. Have you heard of Medium? Now we all know why Patricia Arquette never won any awards for that show. She doesn’t act like the real Allison at all.

Allison’s done with her first drink, thus signaling that it’s time to move towards the table that seats 12. On cue, DD points out that NKW did a great job on the flowers. In original cuts of this evening, there was a long pause here while NKW tried to remember when she had grown, picked and arranged these particular flowers. Sometimes, because she’s sooooo busy, it’s hard to remember everything she does.

Find the one martini glass on this table that seats 12.

Drink #2 goes down with a proclamation of Allison’s youth and, since it’s a girls’ night, they aren’t supposed to be good, they’re supposed to be bad in a controlled setting. Drink #3 confirms Adrienne’s suspicion that talking to dead people does strange things to a person.

We’ve come to the first critical portion of the evening. Allison’s declared her love for alpha females and DD steps out of line to join in the conversation. NKW’s not happy. Not happy at all. How dare DD be friendly with these women? There will be hell to pay later on but for now, DD gets the side-eye.

While Faye Resnick, Kyle’s original date for the evening, is out of the room, NKW asks Kyle how she knows Faye and who is Faye. Yeah, it looked like Faye was right there at the table while NKW was talking about her like she wasn’t even in the room but that just wouldn’t make sense. If Faye had been there I’m sure NKW would have spoken to her directly. This is one of those editing moments that NKW hasn’t been happy with lately.

As soon as Faye returns (I assume she was in the ladies room), NKW recognizes her. Oh, yes, Faye Resnick. She posed for Playboy. NKW’s memory was jogged by the hair extensions and the blown up fake lips. [giggles] NKW loved her spread [giggles]but was turned off by her moral bankruptcy.

Tinselkitty was amazed at the fact that NKW apparently has a visual database of Playboy models, tagged by publication date, in her head. Men everywhere are furious that this technology has fallen into the hands of the opposite sex.

Kyle decides to throw Playboy back in NKW’s face and leads to a delightful little conversation in which NKW downplays her Playboy days. At this point, you just know I’m going to tell you all about NKW’s Playboy days. You are, of course, absolutely right, but I’ve decided to devote a whole post to it. This one is already long winded and we all want to make sure we’re fresh for the details. Stay tuned; I promise it’ll be worth it.

Now that we’ve covered the sex portion of the evening, Allison’s ready for her post-coital ecigarette. Even though Tinselkitty’s been watching this particular portion of the show for a week, I’m still shocked that she just whips it out right there at the table and starts faux-king. Really? We’ve learned that Allison is a thought puller and I can’t help but think of the scene in Harry Potter where Dumbledore pulls the memories out of his head and deposits them into the pensieve. This has to be Allison’s magic wand.

By now everyone is thoroughly invested in the nutjob show and is clamoring for their own psycho reading. No one understands that Allison is only turning them down out of concern for their safety. See, once you get a taste, you have to have more. Besides, NKW said she didn’t want Allison to feel like she had to perform for anyone tonight. Wait, what? Perform? Wouldn’t a psychic give a reading? Performing sounds like something an actor would do. Or a stripper. Something fake, right?

While NKW is trying to be slick and move Allison’s drink away from her (she might not be on the clock but she’s damn sure off the wagon), Faye begs for just one reading since everyone is just so very, very interested. NKW, suddenly realizing the imminent danger her guests may be in, pipes up to warn everyone that a psycho reading from Allison is something they really should do in private. Unpleasant things could be in store, like hearing that your hubs is cheating on you or something else tragic that NKW totally just pulls out of the air with no premeditation at all. A hearty laugh is heard around the table at this statement, leading Tinselkitty to conclude that the Grammer divorce was still but a dream in Kelsey’s head at this point. I can’t image they would have all laughed had the truth been known. More like a really uncomfortable silence with some nervous tittering and a lot of trying to change the subject.

But it’s too late. Allison has seen the future and it is bleak. Hotpants Umansky is never going to emotionally fulfill Kyle. I mean, it’s good that Kyle’s on her second marriage since Allison’s seen two marriages for her (something you’d never be able to find out about a famous person without asking them directly). Tinselkitty does predict, however, that Mauricio will go on to a fine acting career, kickstarted by his breakout performance as a loving, attentive husband and father.

The Camille-o-coaster, like any good thrill ride, levels out for a moment to give the riders a chance to catch their breath. NKW bemoans the fact that women are always very catty to her. She even goes so far as to agree that maybe part of NY was her fault, maybe she was defensive. Wow, that was a great ride wasn’t it? It was over faster than I thought, but still a great ri—vroom! Allison takes us down another drop and yells that Kyle is offensive.

Faye isn’t having it and leaps onto the tracks to take on the monster that is threatening the coaster riders. See, she knows NKW told Allison all about NY because Allison and NKW are bestests and that’s what bestests do, they tell each other everything. NKW is victimized again by Faye refusing to accept NKW’s reality.

Allison hitches her bitch pants up even higher (she saw this coming, thus her non-cocktail attire) and prepares for round two by denying that NKW told her anything. Faye does a quick reading and informs the table that seats 12 that her psychic abilities tell her no, friends do talk to each other.

Normally, Tinselkitty has great respect for the fourth wall, but in this circumstance I feel the need to break into the expository writing and give you a firsthand account of how this next bit went down in my world.

I wrote this in my notes: I think Camille purposefully got Allison drunk so she could go off on the other ladies for NKW. That way, NKW’s hands are clean but the other ladies still get a smack down. Only Allison stood up for poor NKW. Therefore she can jump in there and start swinging now since her buddy Allison’s getting verbally assaulted.

On screen, Allison says that NKW doesn’t rely on her to fight NKW’s battles.

I wrote this in my notes: OMG, right after I wrote that! (yes, I talk to myself in the notes)

I popped over to TV Time to check the comments and see this from Dani: G – Don’t you think Camille does everything she accuses other of doing? She has absolutely no self awareness.

On screen, NKW accuses Faye of coming to fight Kyle’s battles.

I wrote this in my notes: OMG, right after Dani wrote that!

My point is, we are geniuses, or at least smarter than NKW. YMMV

Back in teevee land, DD is risking her jobfriendship by not sticking up for NKW. Sitting there like the help, keeping her mouth shut while the adults argue. The nerve!

Sad platypus is sad.

It seems Kim’s finally decided to come clean with what really happened to start all the hubbub. Good for you Kim. You should have talked faster, though, because as soon as Taylor figured out where you were going with it she jumped into the fray. So all this time Bravo’s been teasing us with this clip of Taylor being the bigger person and putting an end to the squabbling because they aren’t those kinds of ladies and we find out she only hollered ENOUGH! because Kim was about to out her sneaky ass. Meta-sneaky.

Either way, NKW’s finally reached climax and wriggles in delight, right there in her seat at the head of the table. Hope she had a towel ready.

Now that NKW’s finished herself off, there is no longer any reason for the other ladies to stick around. NKW just wants to roll over and go to sleep but Kyle just won’t get her clothes and lock the door on her way out. NKW’s talking head jumps in to clarify that this is all just jealousy, even though she honestly hates to say that. Honestly. But she really thinks it’s a big part of all this.

Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire, makes a last ditch effort to smooth things over and implore the ladies to please not go down the NY road again.

And then. Oh, I can’t even type it. And then. Then, the medium with the extra-large drinking problem, jumps on Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire. Oh, no she di’int. You need to just back the fark up right there, bitch! Breathe, Tinselkitty, breathe.

Big Gulp won’t shut up! DD’s trying to get her to stop, NKW’s doing the cut it out motion and Allison won’t stop because she can see when Kyle’s gonna die and what will happen to her family and she just loves that about herself. Papa Gulp always told Allison to “live life large and make no apologies for who you are, so fuck them”.

The ladies that are free to leave have made it out to the walkway and gather up into a little clutch, presumably to protect themselves from all the ghosts in NKW’s yard. Inside, Allison’s telling her remaining victims that Kyle’s the little bitch ringleader that made the other girls in high school kill themselves. I’m sure Allison isn’t engaging in hyperbole here. She’s probably talking to these dead girls RIGHT NOW.

NKW judges Kyle morally bankrupt as well, making Tinselkitty pray to FSM that the judge gives her the dictionary in the divorce settlement. DD, sensing an opportunity to redeem herself, goes along with the mean girls and tells NKW that Kyle set NKW up by bringing Faye on purpose. Totally unlike how DD and Allison ended up there.

NKW is just floored that Kyle would come into her home and verbally assault her. I suppose it’s not as big a deal if Kyle verbally assaults her at, say, Chuck E Cheese or fabric softener.

Outside, Kyle lets on that she’s still holding a grudge against Kim and yells at her for getting involved. Kim is then banished to the limo by herself because Kyle wants to go home immediately. Kyle later tells us that it would have taken two hours to get Kim home but Tinselkitty still feels bad that Kim was treated that way.

Hold it with both hands, now, dear.

Allison’s still on, informing her captives that if any of their children disappeared, they wouldn’t be like “you were wrong,” they’d be all “can you help?” Tinselkitty doesn’t agree.

None of it matters anyway, because NKW’s come to terms with the fact that Kyle’s an angry bitch and it’s all she’ll be. She’s unhappy.

Allison says he loves his nannies because Kyle’s an icy bitch and so you can’t fault him for that. Whoa, bitch.

NKW says he loves more than his nannies giggle. Whoa, whoa, bitch! Neither one of you are nice. Not a single damn bit. Tinselkitty can say that because it’s easy to pick on NKW because she’s the nice guy.  In a last ditch charge, DD chimes in to point out that Taylor is not really NKW’s friend. I think she knows this because Taylor didn’t do her hair one time over the course of the evening.

Having ditched Kim for a straight shot home, Kyle decides she’s rather go out for some straight shots with the girls. Not with Kim. And don’t call, either, Kim. Kyle admits she was pissed at Kim for not having her back. These two might benefit from some couples counseling.

Whew. I am flippin’ exhausted! Now it’s your turn. I know y’all have got to have a ton of thoughts and I want to hear every single one. Especially if they’re about how great I am and how I’m 30% more better than other bloggers.  I think I have a blogger complex. [giggles]


77 Responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap”

  1. Mikki12 said

    Daniela – Does you dog have any white markings? My dog does but she’s also that red/fawn color like your pup. Pepe is a cute name but I think it’s more for a male dog. Some friends named their dog Coco. Just throwing out ideas. Paprika is cute but I think it may be a bit difficult to say “here, Paprika.” But what do I know…lol.

  2. Dy said

    Yes that goofy guy in Hawaii..eww, he was creepy I agree.

    I think it was pretty catty of her to say that to Faye,really not necessary at all,she did it to embarras her,that was mean.Then she tried to clean it up,whatever. She made an Ass of out herself because she has done the same thing.

    I do not think she could be as disgusting,mean or crazy as The Strega at all,I don’t see her stalking or fliming sex tapes in her childrens home or hiring armed body guards to “protect” her just to have a sit down with one of her castmates..Geeze the list goes on.AND I haven’t even gotten into her jacked up past yet, LOl. Nope noone is worse than The Strega, in my opinion,noone has even come close to that Whack.

  3. Daniela said

    Mikki: Would you believe the tips of her toes(paws) are white and her chest has a little white.
    I was thinking of Rosalita like the Bruce Springsteen song, but again thats a long name. My hubby likes Juanita, but that is NOT going to happen.
    I was also thinking of Dulce, which means sweet, but not sure if it sounds like a male. You would think I was naming the future Queen of England, for God’s sake, that I can’t find the perfect name!

    Dy: You are right about the sex tapes! That was by far the worst thing anyone could do. Though, there is a rumor out there that Camille had sex tapes of her and Kelsey, and she is using them as leverage for more moola. Whenever these famewhores do stuff like this, the poor kids suffer.

  4. Pixie said

    Great recap, TK!

    Happy b-day, Daniela! Dec 17 is my hubby’s b-day, too.

    I have two suggestions for your dog
    1) Twinkie
    2) Taquito (kinda played off Mikki’s suggestion).

    Hypocrite is too kind a word for Camille. I still cannot believe my eyes and ears with that episode. How is it possible that she has such a selective memory? I’m sure Kelsey felt like he was in the twilight zone most of those 13 years he spent married to Camille. He can call those his “lost years.” Did he become an alcoholic after he met her? I still think he’s trash for doing what he did.

  5. Thanks, Pixie. Kelsey met her when he was drunk, went to rehab and then hooked up with her again after he got out. I wonder what his life would have been like had he met someone totally new when he was sober.

  6. Pixie said

    TK, that is a profound observation. The “drunk” Kelsey stayed with her even after he became sober. I wonder what kind of web she spun around him at that time. She reminds me of a shark circling it’s prey.

  7. Rosie said

    @TK.. Good job with the recap. There was a lot of details to get through on this episode.
    Were you able to get much on Psychic Pslut?? She has to have a few skeletons buried.

  8. Rosie said

    Hi Pixie! Oh you know Kelsey was like a pork chop to a starving person, when Camille first laid eyes on him. I cant believe there was no prenup with these two.

  9. Rosie, this is an interesting article. Proves she’s been a right bitch for a long time.

  10. And this one – another vote for bitchy.

  11. Daniela said

    Thank you Pixie! Wish your hubby a Happy Birthday for me. Thank you for the names. She is the tiniest dog I have ever seen. She is sooo freakin cute!
    I laughed when I read “lost years.” Reminds me of John Lennon and the “lost weekend with May Pang which lasted 18 months.
    I can’t believe he didn’t have a pre-nup either, Rosie. Dumb move on his part.

  12. Rosie said

    @9.. Thanks TK. I just read that article. It was good, and a long one.
    Ooo. Another one? Thanks!

  13. Rosie said

    @10.. Thanks for the articles TK. I just finished the 2nd one. Not very popular, is she? I can’t find anything that she got right in either one. I wonder why Kelsey picked her to do a TV show about. The only person that validates her, was the man who was PAID to do research on psychics.

  14. KurlyHairedB said

    How about “cupcake”? We always name our kitties after food.

  15. Dani said

    TK – Wow, thanks for the article. It was a good read. It strikes me that the modus operandi is a little kernal of truth punctuated by alot of vagueness that people can neither prove nor disprove. The lady is definitely hard to pin down. I am always fascinated by what drives people to do the things they do and the article was very informative.

  16. Mikki12 said

    Pixie – Taquito made me think of another word/name. Not sure if I’m spelling it right but here goes. Paquito or Paquita. I believe the word means “little.” The only time I’ve used it is if someone asks me if I speak Sapnish and I reply “un paquito” which means “a little.” (and I do mean a little!)Anyway, that might be a cute name for Daniela’s teeney, tiny dog.

  17. Pixie said

    Querida Mikki, I really like Paquita. It has a cute ring to it. Paquita made me think of another few names: Panchita and Chiquita.

    If Allison associates with any dead people, I feel sorry for those poor souls who come in contact with her. They probably think they landed in hell.

  18. Mikki12 said

    Those names are good ones, too! Well, I guess we’ve given Daniela enough names to think Earlier this year HBO had a documentary special titled “Nobody Dies in Lily Dale.” It’s about a place in upstate NY (I think it’s near Buffalo) and all the people that live there are psychics. I was starting to become a believer after watching it. But then along comes fake and phony Allison and I’m back to square one. I can forgive some people who truly beleve they have a “gift.” But Allison knows she’s a fraud. I’m not surprised she and Camille are friends. Both of them are as phony as Camille’s perfectly round bosoms.

  19. Daniela said

    Thank you for all the great names! Now I am going to run it by the guys…see what they think. I was thinking at dinner tonight about the name “Selena” like the tejano singer, or cute little Selena Gomez. My BFF Roseanne suggested a nice Italian name like, are you ready?…Philomena, or Josephina, Calogera, or Malfaldina. lol…crazy lady. You guys are really good at coming up with names! If she was a male, without hesitation she would have a name already…most likely Cheech.

    OMG, I saw that special on Lilydale. They have a web site as well. I understand they get many visitors in the summer. Rates are reasonable.
    Allison is a fraud, I don’t believe a word she says.
    She needs to be institutionalized…crazy bitch.

  20. KurlyHairedB said

    Dani–I still vote for Cupcake!!! or how about Chai since she is a “Tea”cup chihuahua?

  21. Obviously the correct name for Dani’s new pup is Tinselkitty.

  22. G-sus said

    @TK I can’t believe the before picture of Allison in the article you posted. Doesn’t even resemble the red-haired fire-spitter that was at Camille’s dinner. Guess she’s her money where her mouth (and nose, eyebrows, etc) was, literally.

  23. You know what this day needs? Don Draper. I think it’s time for a Mad Men intervention.

  24. The first five minutes of “The Summer Man” is Don Draper porn. Just sayin’.

  25. Bryan said

    Happy Belated Birthday Daniela!

  26. Mmm, Don Draper porn. I’d pay for that. I don’t know how it’d work since the suit is an integral part of the Don, but yeah, I’d pay a lot of money for that.

  27. Pixie said

    TK, that wa a great article in the Phoenix Times. Seems like Allison’s biggest believer is herself.
    I think it’s so disgusting that she said she knew how and when Kyle was going to die. And that remark about not helping her children if they went missing. Absolutely repugnant and morally bankrupt. I can’t believe that if someone so evil was given a gift that she would be allowed to keep it.

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