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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Posted by tinselkitty on December 13, 2010


Contract Players

You know, someone at Bravo deserves a promotion and raise. Whoever decided to show Atlanta and Beverly Hills during the same season did a great job. These two franchises are so different that you don’t get any housewives fatigue, even though they’re on twice a week. Good job, whoever you are. Now, off we go to the A.

Sheree’s got to get her hair done but this time she’s going to Lawrence instead of snapping her fingers and expecting him to come running. She can’t do something like this without maintaining some illusion of power, though, so she goes after hours. Of course, since Sheree is Lawrence’s favorite and best client, he’s happy to stay late for her.

Whispering announcer says “What Sheree doesn’t know is that Lawrence had to clear the salon of everyone else because no one else could fit in there with Sheree’s head. Let’s watch what happens.”

While Sheree’s getting giant hair to match her giant ego, she gets a call from The People Store. They want to represent her. They said she was very natural. Did you catch that? They said Sheree was very natural. From here on out, I’m going to assume anyone being repped by The People Store is of, uh, shall we say, a “certain caliber”? Nene confirms my decision by pointing out that it’s Atlanta, not NY or LA, and anyone with a little name recognition can get an agent toot suite.

Squeels and jazz hands ensue in the otherwise silent salon and Lawrence congratulates Sheree. They get to talking about Lawrence for a bit and he tells Sheree about the new song and sings a bit for her. Sheree’s talking head comes on to tell us how happy she is for Lawrence and that she hopes he’ll have success. Not so much success that he’ll quit doing Sheree’s hair, of course, but a little success would be good. Because then she can keep her hairstylist and be able to name drop him more often. It’s Sheree’s world and we’re just living in it.

"At the end of the day, Kim's gonna do what Kim wants to do and what I'm feeling at the moment."

Super serious artist Kimzy has a date with Mitchell, Kandi’s choreographer choice. If Kim’s gonna be on Kandi’s tour she needs to step it up so as not to ruin the shows for Kandi, yo. Sweetie ran back to the car for Kim’s microphone so she’s all set as long as they face the mirrors so she can always see herself. Is this why she has all those self portraits in her house? Were they cheaper than installing floor to ceiling mirrors?

Given that Kim is a better dancer than singer, this should be pretty easy, no? No. I have two thoughts here.

One, if Kim would have learned the dance moves without trying to sing at the same time it probably would have stuck in her head better. Then she could have gone back and practiced dancing and singing at the same time.

Two, I’m starting to think Kim’s indulging in a little self-sabotage out of fear of failure. Let’s be honest. She knows how she sounds and now she’s going to have to go out there in front of people and sing and dance. It’s one thing to record something and then scuttle back to the safety of your own home. If someone doesn’t like your song, you don’t have to know about it. Especially if you have an assistant that will weed out the negative. But going onstage, with people right there, is a whole other ballgame. They can easily boo and heckle and you can’t avoid it. So, if Kim doesn’t prepare properly and the crowd hates her, she has a ready-made excuse. It wasn’t her singing they hated, it’s that she screwed up the dance steps and then lost the next line in her head and then blah blah blah.

Right before I wrote this I bought a psychology degree online for $59 so you know I’m totally qualified to make these sort of statements. When Kim mentions that she needs these mirrors in her home, I know my $59 investment was a good one. See, I called it just four paragraphs ago. Stand back, everyone, I’m a professional.

The wedding invitations have arrived at Cynthia’s house and they must go out NOW! People don’t want to buy their plane tickets until they have an invitation in their hot little hands. Methinks they are suspicious of Cynthia’s follow through on this one.

Peter arrives and whispers words of wisdom: kill the bottle. You thought it was going to be let it be, weren’t you? Well, The Beatles were wrong on this one. Once you open a bottle of wine, don’t just sit there and let it be. Drink the damn thing. Tip it if you have to.

Cynthia lays down the law on the Peter/Nene situation. It is very important to Cynthia that Peter and Nene get along. Poor Peter doesn’t realize the seriousness of all this business. He has no idea that, at that very moment, a legal document was being drafted by a team of ninth grade girls, binding forever his betrothed and Nene. Unless they send certified letters, then they are betrothed for only a year.

 

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

On the way over to see Phaedra, Dwight stops by to pick up some flowers for the new mother. Being so fabulous, he quickly sees that the basket that came with the arrangement goes perfectly with his dandified outfit. Perching it atop his head, he rings the doorbell with great confidence and then proceeds to gush over Phaedra’s mother. Miss Southern Belle herself arrives upon the balcony to survey their guest and invites him upstairs.

 

Only then do we see the genius of Dwight. See, those baskets from the flower store are lined in plastic so they don’t leak. This comes in super handy just minutes later, as Dwight gets to stirring the shit with vigorous glee. If he had arrived hatless, this would get really messy, really quickly.

Phaedra’s signature look, consternation, comes on to the scene quickly. The rumor is, there are people all up in her Kool-Aid. Unwed people. In. Her. Kool-Aid. What are they doing there? Don’t those unwed people know that they don’t have nothing to do with dear Phaedra until they get a husband? Dwight must have gotten special privileges, seeing how he has no husband of his own but he’s elbows deep in Phaedra’s Kool-Aid.

Just last week I was wondering why people always mentioned the 10 fingers and toes things when talking about what they want for their baby. There aren’t that many babies born with missing fingers and toes, are there? How did that get to be the stock phrase with discussing what a healthy baby should be?

What I didn’t ever realize before was just how sinister this expectation could be. Thankfully, Dwight repackaged it into ominous chatter. Between this and the alien baby secret, Phaedra has much about which to be alarmed.

 

Quick, Scooby, let's hide behind that tree so the Creeper doesn't see us.

Did y’all know that Kim got her head nurse degree online? I wonder if she got hers from the same place I got mine. We could be alma mater buddies! But then Phaedra says Kim’s an uneducated hooker and I get all confused. Is she uneducated because she didn’t go to hooker school? Or is Phaedra saying an online degree is not very educationishfull? What does this all mean?

 

Either way, Phaedra’s got a line on Kim. She’s just jealous of Phaedra because Phaedra has everything Kim wants – the man, not someone else’s husband, the career, which is not being jump started by someone else but on her own merits, and a lifestyle she can afford by herself.

Sheree really should ask Phaedra to help her with her lines because Phaedra does have some delivery skills. The way she said all this made me laugh. She was just so matter of fact with it. Not Kelsey’s Wife might want to take some lessons on how to accuse others of being jealous of you.

Instead, Sheree’s asked Kandi to help her with her run-throughs. Even though Kandi is so busy with everything else already, she’s made time to fit in Sheree, too. Sheree does a better job with her lines this time but still needs to 86 that dramatic pause she keeps trying to put in before she says something.

Longsuffering Kandi confides in Sheree that she is about to embark on a bus tour with Kim and she doesn’t know how she’s going to be able to deal with Kim for a few weeks. She doesn’t mention anything about Kim ruining all her shows with her bad singing and dancing and lack of preparation, but we all know she’s thinking it.

 

Save this to watch next time your, uh, tripping.

Ah, but Kim IS preparing! She’s figured out exactly what she needs to do to be a success on stage and that is to host a laser light show on her ass. To get ready for the crowd, she’s asked the ladies to join her for said show.

 

Sheree arrives first and she and Kim promptly get into a discussion of psycho Cynthia’s sudden adoration of Nene. Completely forgetting, I guess, season 1 and the Great Kim and Sheree love affair of the ages. Nope, this isn’t like that at all. That was beautiful and sweet and empowering. Psycho Cynthia’s just being a tick.

Later, psycho Cynthia manages to cull Nene from the herd, much to our dismay. You know what Oprah says – never let them take you to a second location. Don’t go, Nene! Only bad things happen in the second location. Single black female things.

But Nene goes and is assaulted with a candle. As she’s woozy from the overwhelming fragrance, psycho Cynthia takes the opportunity to whip out her friendship contract and sucker Nene into signing it. Nene at least has the presence of mind to keep this all to herself when she returns to the rest of the ladies. Good job, Nene. You don’t want to anger your captor and cause additional hostages to be taken.

Sheree lets everyone know of her acting premiere and expects everyone to be there. In a truly befuddling twist, Kim says she’s busy getting her real hair colored in LA that weekend so she’s going to miss Sheree’s chitlin circuit debut. Whatever, pizza’s here. Nom nom nom.

 

Not hungry now. Nope. Not at all.

Who enjoyed their food more, do you think? Kim chowing on pizza while getting fat cells lasered or Phaedra and her mom doing a spectacularly creepy version of Crash Test Dummies’ Mmm Mmm Mmm?

 

At least Lawrence makes the effort to support Sheree and do her hair for the play. That man really does have a way with hair.

Even though it’s a low budget play with a limited run, Sheree notes that Tyler Perry got his start in a similar fashion. What she fails to understand is that Tyler Perry didn’t go on a nationally broadcast show to call his first break a low budget play with a limited run.

Dangit, you blinked. I was going to talk a little about Sheree’s part right here but you blinked and missed it. Maybe her next part will be a little longer. I hear she’s ready to move into film. That’ll be good because we can rewind it if we miss it the first time.

Phaedra and Cynthia meet up in the lobby afterwards and Cynthia gets a’goin’ with the small talk. Phaedra looked all glazed over for a moment and then realized her chance to put Cynthia in her place had arrived. Cynthia informs Phaedra that she needs to check her sources, which we all know is just an extremely polite way to say Dwight’s a liar, you dumb bitch, and tells Phaedra she never said anything about alien babies with extra appendages. Cynthia might be psycho but she not without class because she doesn’t call Kim out as the one who actually said those things.

Many have questioned how Phaedra makes her money and tonight we have a glimpse into her empire. It seems Phaedra has a side business guarding vaginas. What do you suppose the start up costs on a vaginal security venture would look like? Tinselkitty needs a job.

Off in the distance, Nene’s radar begins pinging furiously. The signal has gone out and it’s Captain Nene to the rescue. Loved loved loved how she just sidled up to Cynthia like that, ready and willing to protect her from impending doom. Was that part of the contract? Peter takes Nene aside and apologies. They are back in love. Good job, Peter. You handled that very gracefully.

Nene and Kim are gonna drink it up over lunch but they will be damned if they’re going to eat any squid testicles.

She'll take a contract out on you.

The friend contract is produced for discussion and Tinselkitty is disappointed that Nene would do that. Kim gets offended that the friend contract was whipped out in HER kitchen. Kim also totally misses the goofiness factor and is off and running with the crazy talk. Kim rolls her eyes that Cynthia was upset about Nene not talking to her for a few days after the Nene/Peter fight. Are Kim’s friendships so superficial that she thinks someone’s being stupid for caring about something like this?

So did Nene really think the friend contract was serious? My first, second and third thoughts were that it was a light-hearted, giggly way to get over the uncomfortableness that Nene and Cynthia had going on for a few days. Did she not get any clue when it included clauses about the president having to sign off if they wanted to dissolve the friendship?

Wait, why is Nene smoking now, too? No no no no no no no no. Kim and Nene discuss the Gregg sitch. Tracy’s the crazy bitch in that relationship? Really, Kim?

Nene says she’s open to dating a white guy. I think this is just smart on Nene’s part. No reason to limit the pool of availability any more than necessary.

Next week looks to be a good’un. Nene owns up to telling Kim about the friend contract, Kandi sets Phaedra straight on who said what and then everyone gets together again to shoot off some more fireworks. You know what I love about Kim? No matter how much botox that girl ever gets (does she botox? I don’t even know) we’ll always be able to tell when she’s angry because her nose screws up so tight. So now you know. If you ever run into Kim in real life, keep your eyes on the nose!

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20 Responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap”

  1. olive the other reindeer said

    Wonderful recap as usual TK…do u know how u can tell Kim was a head nurse? she’s the one with the bruises on her knees,,ba zing!

  2. olive the other reindeer said

    Your fave commercail is the Kia,,here is mine,,great,,I’ll get peanuts..literally and u get a car..pfffffffft

  3. Bryan said

    She thing is such a man!

  4. KurlyHairedB said

    I thought that the friend contract was cute and very sweet. Nene is not a good friend to anybody, talks about everybody behind their back. Cynthia should send the certified letter revoking it tomorrow.

  5. Pixie said

    KHB, you took the words out of my mouth. Nene seems incapable of controlling her mouth. But I still like this season’s Nene better than last season’s.

  6. Dani said

    TK – Great recap. Been gone for awhile and totally missed all my housewives. I don’t even need to watch now. You blow RT recaps out of the water.

    Ok being a nurse that went to actual college, I would hate to be the nurses working w/Kim for lack of clinical experience. I suffered through all my clinicals and all nurses know what I am talking about. Of course Kim would take the easy way out. No big surprise there. I call BS on Kim being a head nurse anywhere. Just had to spout off on that one.

    TK maybe you could work for Phaedra as an undercover assignment. Think of the wealth of info you could provide us with. Yeah! Dwight just cracks me up with all his clothing selections. Would like to be a fly on the wall when he is chosing his fancy clothes.

    Kim singing and dancing at the same time. Ha. Britney Spears can’t even do that. Doesn’t she lip sinc her concerts. Not that I consider her an amazing talent but she has been doing her gig since childhood. We can’t expect Kim to master two things at once when she hasn’t been able to even master one.

    Hi to all.

  7. Thanks, Dani. But, to be fair, there is ONE thing Kim’s mastered. She’s mastered the hell out of it.

  8. LWoo said

    LMAO @ #1!!!

    I thought the ‘contract’ was cute. It’s just being playful. That’s what I got from it. For Nene to show it to everyone was tacky, though. I love the girl, but that was between her & Cynthia. If Cynthia wanted others to know about the contract, then she would’ve given it to Nene in front of everyone.

    Sheree. I hate that she thinks she’s so classy. She’s not. Any woman who didn’t get that Tike-E Mohundred was a Wannabe Playa has to be lacking some class. I saw what was up before he opened his mouth…and I’m looking at him through a little box, not in person!!!!

    Kim: Stupid, but that pizza looked good.

    Phaedra: Will someone please tell Fay Fay that Dwight is only her bestie to stay on TV? And she said she wouldn’t address the situation, but she commenced to calling Kim a ho (even though she is, but Fay Fay’s a Southern Belle & all) and saying that Cynthia is stupid. I would’ve had a tinge more respect for her if she would’ve told Dwight that she wasn’t going to worry about them two and changed the subject.

    Dwight: Plastic bitch.

    Kandi: “Stop helping people, Kandi!!! It is NOT your job to help these silly broads out…for FREE! You can’t fuss about anything if you’re letting people run all over you & you continue to help them! Ever heard of the saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me’ ? Just sayin!”

  9. Mikki12 said

    @ 6 Dani – Agree with you about Kim. I don’t see how Kim could have been a head nurse in a hospital. She’s an LPN and RNs are head nurses.(aka charge nurses.)It’s possible Kim could have filled in for a day in an emergency but even with that she would still have to be working under the direction of an RN. She’s full of it which should come as no surprise.

  10. olive the other reindeer said

    @8 Lwoo,,u got it goin’ girl…

    I heard Kandi’s song on the radio yesterday,,I listen to the R&B station in CLeveland and they were playing “You Will Always be my Angel”….glad she’s touring with Fantasia and not Kim…..the girl CAN sing

  11. olive the other reindeer said

    I didn’t Know AJ was murdered,,,I thought he had an illness,,,,

  12. G said

    @ olive, he got into a fight at a bar. I think originally they were going to charge the other guy with manslaughter, but they found out that AJ had a preexisting condition that led to his death. Sickle Cell I think.

  13. Dani said

    Hi all. I know I am coming late to the party but just watched the episode online.
    Hey Mikki – I don’t believe Kim was a head ns ever. LPN’s do always work under a RN’s license. It is hard to know what the heck is true w/Kim.

    Mikki, you are a Ns practioner aren’t you. We have PA’s and NP’s that work at the hospital I work at and I stress to patient’s that NP’s have more medical education and people are always surprised but it is a pet peeve of mine that often times, because the PA’s are guys, my patients refer to them as Dr.s. I always make a point of telling my patients that actually NP’s have more medical education and they are always surprised. We have some excellent NP’s that I would trust w/my life as they are top notch.

    I did think Kim had the best line of the night when she made the comment about Kroy could be Phaedra’s baby. I have to admit that line was pretty good.

    NeNe has been funny this year too and I like the relationship she has w/Cynthia cuz Cynthia lets NeNe vent. Kim tends to always turn the conversation back to her life. Though NeNe and Kim are funny together, I think Cynthia is a truer friend to NeNe. Glad that Peter came around and apologized to NeNe.

    Sheree is delusional. A small part in a local play and she is ready for film. Sometimes I wish I could live in her world. Sigh.

    Phaedra and her Mom were hysterical w/the food. Almost a bit over the top if you get my drift. Umm Hmm. And that Dwight is a pot stirrer for sure.

  14. Olive the other reindeer said

    Thank u G..I did not know that about AJ…

    Dani,,that part with Phadra and her mama and the food,,I was disgusted and laughing at the same time.

    Cynthia is a very good friend to NENE,,she doesn’t deserve her,,never mind the contract,,that was blown way out of proportion,,,Kim and Sheree forget their love affair,,,

    I can’t wait to see Phaedra confront Kim,,,,hope she pulls that wig off her head…

  15. Dani said

    Olive – I know what ya mean w/Phaedra and her Mom. Kept thinking it sounded like it should be going down in the bedroom.

    I would kill to see Kim without her wig. I see future income for Kim if she could figure out an official unveiling of her real hair. You know it could be like a pay-per-view event. She could make millions. You think she would let me broker it so I could get in on the action? I could use some X-mas money.

  16. Olive the othe Reindeer said

    I think you should be the promoter,,it was your idea,,,I think Adrienne would allow you to have it at the Palms,,,hey we are on to something here..lol

  17. Mikki12 said

    @13 Dani – Thanks for the “promotion” but I’m not an NP. Although I have my Master’s degree and I have certification in Psych and Case Management I never went the NP route. I was always more into the teaching side of things. But what you said is very true. PA’s do seem to get more respect. I think it all has to do with semantics. Just having the word “physician” as part of your title automatically makes the patients think they are getting an “almost doctor.” Nurse Practioner means almost nothing to the average person. I think they should change the title to Nurse Physician…lol.

    Speaking of the housewives, we’ve all mentioned that Sheree has been very funny this season with her comments and one-liners. But I thought her funniest line came when she was being quite serious. She was talking to Kandi and mentioned that her ex-hubby has paid no child upport. Kandi asked her how she was able to manage financially. And Sheree pops out with “oh, savings and such…” I couldn’t stop laughing.

  18. Dani said

    Hi Mikki – sorry, my mistake but you are quite correct. Never thought about it that way. Always kind of assumed that it was due to most of the PA’s we employ are guys and the NP’s are women. I could be making a wrong assumption but it is interesting. The PA’s and NP’s work mostly the clinic and ER. They can admit patients but have to have orders verified by our on-call Dr. and they have no rounding privileges. Patients are always confused by this.

    Yes I agree about Sheree. She has had some great quips as the talking head too. Talking head description per TK which cracked me up on its own. But hard to believe Sheree has saved even a dime with her spending habits. That is too funny but she is a bit delusional.

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