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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Posted by tinselkitty on December 10, 2010

Charity Cases

Full disclosure – I’m writing this while angrily stewing. I’m telling you now in case you sense some residual anger seeping out of my words. It’s not you, it’s me. No, wait. It’s not me, either.

Regular readers will recall the warning I issued yesterday of the impending ladyparts landslide. Kyle was kind enough to cap the day off with her bike-kini wax. Kyle was a great sport to televise it, especially as she hinted that she’d never done it before. I bet she was happy to see the results likely matched her hot pink bike helmet. You don’t want to look sloppy when cameras will be there.

Housewife fave, Lisa Vanderpump, Extraordinaire, has decided she and Cedric finally need to get their US driver’s licenses. How much will it cost to make me look as good as she did while buzzing that convertible around the parking lot? I want to hate her for it but I can’t. Of course, the fact that I can’t even hate her for it makes me want to hate her for that but I can’t do that, either. Then it just becomes this big recursive mess of wanting to hate her but not being able to, even if I screw my face up real tight and stamp my feet while wishing super hard.

Kim and Kyle meet up for lunch and I realize I’d be happy if I could eat more of my meals in a wine cellar. Tinselkitty is sisterless so these interactions are hard for me to process, sometimes. They do seem to love each other but I am always left wondering why they are so angry.

Did I catch that right, that Kyle’s live-in nanny up and split? Snuck out under cover of darkness?

Worse than Jill Zarin. That's right. I said it. Don't get all smug, though, Jill. That bar's still ridiculously low.

I hate Not Kelsey’s Wife’s little dancing intro. Just saying. Why is Nick at the head of the table at Not Kelsey’s Wife’s house? Where is Nick’s wife? If this meal is for Not Kelsey’s Wife’s friends, shouldn’t she be there? Or is this another attempt at creating a Nick/Not Kelsey’s Wife storyline? And he call’s Kelsey’s mother-in-law “mom”?

Speaking of juvenile behavior, can I just say how much I hate when people do the whole “hiyeeeeee” thing? Quick, someone figure out what the poster is that’s blurred out and report back.

Not Kelsey’s Wife has a dilemma. Nick says Not Kelsey’s Wife should have a dinner party and Not Kelsey’s Wife supergreat friend D.D. laughs. What was funny? Yeah, I don’t like her and I am suspicious that she’s acting a part she set out before filming began. Ah, yes, further proof as far as I’m concerned with the “is it hot in here, oh I’m just sitting by Nick” bullshit act.

Big old meany Kyle doesn’t want to leave her kids behind to fend for themselves now that live-in nanny is gone. Not Kelsey’s Wife was right! Kyle is horrible!

This week’s PSA is to back off the chicken if you run into Kim in the market. It’s her chicken. She’s taking the chicken. Kim can still rock her own chicken, thankyouverymuch, and she doesn’t need your pity chicken. I’m starting to see why Kim might have troubles managing money. Did you see how much chicken she was grilling? She’s feeding an army between her kids and all their friends.

Zipping back to Kyle we get a clue into why Kyle’s so mean and heartless. Her husband is horrid. He deliberately lies to her in order to keep her all to himself for an extra night while they are in Napa. Can you imagine? My heart just ached to learn she lived in such terror. I know when my smoking hot, rich, attentive, accent-having husband, who also happens to be a devoted dad, tricks me into taking a three day weekend instead of a two day weekend, I can hardly drag myself out of bed, so great is my depression.

Lisa Vanderpump, have you looked in a mirror lately? Can you blame that dude for hitting on you at the DMV? I’m already planning out how I’m going to hit on you, if and when our paths ever cross.

You know how you go along your whole life without knowing about something and then, as soon as you find out about it, bam! it’s everywhere? Well, a month ago I did not know that some people get lip implants. Lisa Rinna and Taylor Armstrong, can I just ask why? What pictures were you shown of this procedure that made you sign that consent form?

But I digress. Taylor’s off to the 1736 Family Crisis Center to talk about the upcoming poker fundraiser. Bravo gets lots of footage of Tobi Quintiliani reassuring us that Taylor really has heart for this issue. FYI – the buy-in for players was $350 and included a dinner reception, pre-game instructional play and a silent and live auction. If you didn’t want to play you only had to pony up $75 but they only got lunch instead of dinner. And this is where I feel the spidey sense begin to tingle.

Kyle rides a bike for 69 miles, a lot of it uphill. In a past life, Tinselkitty dated a cyclist, so hearing they were riding 69 miles didn’t phase me much at first. The cyclist would have said that was a short day. Five and a half hours, bitches. She rode that bike for five and a half motherfarking hours. I couldn’t even sit on a bike for five and a half hours. Not even if you gave me a T1 line and made sure my Malibu and lemonade was never empty.

Wait. If Kyle was nannyless, who watched the kids in Napa?

While Kyle was riding a bike for an obnoxious amount of time, Not Kelsey’s Wife went off for a beach run with her supergreat friends we haven’t seen until tonight. I loved the one that was running with the hat in her hand. Staged scene, much? Not Kelsey’s Wife, you aren’t supposed to bounce up and down that much when you run. The point is to move forward, not have dudes look at you.

Ominous foreshadowing plays out on the drive to the beach as we hear Not Kelsey’s Wife discuss a life-changing phone call with her new bestest buddy. Really, Not Kelsey’s Wife? You didn’t understand it? You really thought that when he said he felt appreciated in New York he was talking about professionally? Which do you want to be: that stupid or that manipulative? I’m thinking it’s the latter because I just read your damn blog and you can’t even get through one entry without contradicting yourself. FSM, I hate liars. Not Kelsey’s Wife, here’s a clue. You’re not that maciavellic.

This picture made me think of...

Let’s discuss the source of this evening’s anger, shall we? Taylor, you done made me mad. If the domestic violence cause is so near and dear to your damn heart, why would you not ever talk about your experience outside the shelter environment? Why would you not share that with others? You don’t want people to be ashamed of it but you keep your story a secret? Do you know how shame works? If this is such a big deal for you then why don’t other people know about it?

Holy shite, I wish there was a way I could yell over the internet right now. I could hit the caps lock but I promised Jon Stewart I wouldn’t.

Now, before you read the next bit, let me assure you that I don’t think rich people should have to spend their money any certain way and I don’t think rich people should have a cap on what they make. However.

How dare you sit there and profess to be so concerned about the plight of victims of domestic violence when you spent $60,000 (Taylor’s figure, not mine) on a birthday party for a child that didn’t even enjoy it? How dare you. Especially now, in this economy, with the current budget crises that are massively affecting the service level offered by organizations that offer shelter to both humans and animals.

How dare you sit there and bullshit cry while saying this:

“and to support the women and children who so desperately need the money that you’re donating to make a fresh start and to build a life like I have built for myself. The money that you are raising today for this amazing organization, it gives them a new life, and to move forward and to fulfill the dreams that are inside each and every one of us.”

If you really care about this stuff, give your kid a kid party, not an over-the-top circus designed to impress your peers, not hers, and donate the money you don’t spend to this or any other shelter. How fucking selfish. Sorry, IJS, but fucking is the proper word this time. How motherfucking selfish, Taylor Armstrong.

...this picture.

But now you want everyone to know they can be just like you. They can hear your story and live in Beverly Hills and have hope that they can put their circumstances behind them, just like you have. There are so many layers of bullshit to this statement that I have to assume I’m standing in a veal factory where they don’t let the cows move.

You know what people need to get out of a domestic violence situation, Taylor? Motherfucking help, bitch. You know how they get it? From domestic violence shelters. Which have no god-damned money. Removing yourself from this kind of situation is fucking hard and a lot of people have little to no support systems in place. People don’t show up on the doorstep of a shelter with a U-Haul full of household goods and clothing and a fat bank account. They show up with their kids in tow, wearing the only clothes they have. You want to know what items tend to be at the top of the list of shelter needs? Diapers and tampons. You know how many diapers and tampons you could buy with $60,000?

You know what else is bullshit about this statement, Taylor? Your bullshit belief in meritocracy and that anyone can wind up rich as hell and living in Beverly Hills if they just work really hard and apply themselves. IF IT WAS SO EASY FOR ANYONE TO JUST UP AND MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR THEMSELVES THEN IT WOULDN’T BE A BIG GOD-DAMNED DEAL WHEN SOMEONE DOES IT. IT WOULD JUST BE ANOTHER GOD-DAMNED DAY.

Sorry Jon Stewart.

You know what happens when you spew bullshit like that, Taylor? People hear it and then when they can’t make it happen for themselves, even though they try really fucking hard, it kills their spirit. They think they are failures because they can’t make this thing happen, so obviously they aren’t trying hard enough, even though they are trying with every bit of their being. And they don’t understand, because everyone keeps saying if they just try harder it’ll happen. It is soul crushing. So why don’t you just zip your god-damned lips unless you’re prepared to admit that you got lucky with some of your circumstances. That you managed to get a better education than many people. That somewhere along the way, someone gave you a opportunity, no matter how small, that you were able to leverage into more. Because that’s what happened.

But that’s okay, I know you really are serious about promoting this particular cause because you spent so much time talking about it on Watch What Happens Live. Not.

Now I’d like you all to listen to me very carefully. I do not care how Taylor chooses to spend her money. She can go to Hawaii and launch $100 bills out of a potato cannon into an active volcano for all I care. It’s her money, she earned it and she can spend it on whatever she wants.

But don’t you dare expect me to believe she cares about victims of domestic violence after she made such a ridiculous spectacle out of her daughter’s birthday.

On a final note, I’d love it if y’all were to hop over to Bravo and check out the video clip for next week’s episode. Not Kelsey’s Wife shows a stunning lack of self-awareness while reminding us all why girls like this have so much trouble with other girls “being jealous” of them. Then, when you’re all good and worked up, hit up this one. I just may have a whole ‘nother post in me for these.

UPDATE BY IJS**  Video added below for next week’s episode.   This is just stunning

Vodpod videos no longer available.

82 Responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap”

  1. Pixie said

    G and Dreemz, I like the idea of throwing Nene into the mix. She would let the crazies know exactly where on the crazy scale they fall.

    G, is it true that in MN sometimes it gets so cold that your contacts could freeze to your eyeballs?

  2. G said

    @Pixie lol, maybe if you don’t blink:)

  3. Rosie said

    Hi G. 2 feet? We haven’t gotten any snow yet (NE) but they said NY area is getting some nasty stuff tomorrow into Monday.
    @48.. Wow some show! I’m shuddering!

  4. Rosie said

    Hi Pixie!

  5. G said

    @ Rosie, I will send you some snow if you want;) With the wind, we have drifts in our yard about 5 feet high.

  6. G, what kind of battle royale are we talking about? Genius fight, smack-a-bitch, obstacle course, what? Oooh, now that I throw obstacle course in there I realize how much I’d love to see them team up the housewives and do a RH Challenge, a la Real World/Road Rules.

  7. Thanks to Dreemz for making me envision Joe Biden getting a Michaela lap dance. Damn, Dreemz. Go back and change your name to nightmarez ’cause that’s what I’m going to be having tonight. If Tareq shows up on the sidelines to watch I’m coming after you for restitution. Emotional abuse ain’t right.

  8. G said

    I think the only thing you need to stick in the room is a camera. The jockeying for camera-time is all it will take to get the ball rolling.
    Though I do love me some RWRR Challenges. You could put franchise v. franchise and let the fun begin.

  9. Rosie said

    @5 G.. We are getting our first mess tomorrow! Thanks anyway. Lol. Yours sounds like our weather last year. We had major storms 2 or 3 times a week. It was the worst winter in a couple of decades.

  10. Oh, well if we’re just talking about fighting for camera time, I’m straight up putting my money on Danielle. Tamara would get the camera on her first and then Danielle would steam roll her ass out of the way. Michaela would be searching for the camera guy to work her magic on him. Phaedra would be in the corner putting on more eye shadow. Not Kelsey’s Wife would go all Club MTV and put on a great show when she noticed the camera on her but the rest of the time she’d stand there wondering where her husband might be. Kelly would be sitting in the corner rolling her hair into dreads.

  11. How about a Tamara/Kim Z match up? I’d DVR it.

  12. G said

    @Rosie. Ahhh, enjoy. Glad someone out there will feel my pain. Nothing like shoveling snow and having it just fly back in your face.

  13. Rosie said

    @10 & 11.. TK, omg what an image! Lol.

    @12.. Thanks G! 😦

  14. G said

    @TK. lol, I would probably put my money on Danielle also, just because she probably knows how to make a shiv when needed.
    Though I think Kelly is a dark horse. I can see her driving everyone out the door once her incoherent jabbering commences.

  15. G said

    @11 I love the idea of that, ala D-list Celebrity Deathmatch. I put my money on KimZ all the way. Tamra would take one hit and start twittering that she is a victim of violence.

  16. Pixie said

    Wow, guys! I feel like there are a cornucopia of possibilities with this fight thing. We could start with the featherweights like Cacamille vs Salami. Then maybe battle of the Bankrupt Babes, like Alexis vs Teresa (although, again a cornucopia of possibilities with that one). Then Andy Cohen vs Jeff Lewis. I’m almost giddy thinking about this.

    G, truly sorry about the snow. Can u believe I had to turn on my AC today? Did I just hear u mutter “bitch” under your breath?

    Hi, Rosie! Sounds like u had a great vacay. Hey, how do u get the emoticons with the iPad keyboard?

  17. Pixie, maybe if you turn off your damn AC you can hear G more clearly. She said bitch! Is honey better? Yeah, you caught me, I’m cold, too, so I’m standing in G solidarity. Well, maybe not standing. Maybe we’re hunkering down in a blanket fort with a space heater but either way we’re calling you all kinds of nasty names.

  18. Pixie said

    Hey, TK, I can be benevolent and turn the other (sun-kissed) cheek on this one. I think we’re getting a cold front tomorrow. The high may be as low as 72. Better break out my short-sleeve shirts. Looks like I’ll need the extra coverage.

  19. Rosie said

    Hi Pixie! My husband updated the software on my iPad yesterday. It’s great! Don’t be afraid. Do it.

  20. Pixie said

    Rosie, thanks for words of encouragement. I shall do it this morning!

  21. Rosie said

    Pixie.. Everything is working better and faster.. Even email.

  22. Pix, you’re so lucky I hate the cold so much that I refuse to come out of the blanket fort because I’d so come kick your butt if I could. Sun kissed my ass. Oh, wait, how I’d love for my ass to be sun kissed. Okay, change of plans. I’ll still hunt you down but when I get there if you could have some kind of fruity beverage and a towel for me I’ll just make myself quiet over there in the sunbeam. You won’t even know I’m there. So jealous.

  23. G said

    Pixie, what part of the country are you in? That way I will know what kind of force of nature to send your way so you can feel our pain.
    I myself have two people set in my sights at the moment. First, my SIL who thought it would be a good idea to repeat over and over again on FB to “let it snow”. And secondly, my local snowplow driver who has the dubious skill of being able to bury my driveway exactly 15 minutes after we finish shoveling it out.
    I am going to spend the rest of my day trying to keep my stir crazy children from driving me Kelly crazy while my turkey roasts in the oven.

  24. Pixie said

    TK and G, truly sorry about your pain. I live in S Cal. Please don’t send any earthquake vibes my way. May I remind u that Bryan, BobL and Mrs C also live around here so you wouldn’t want to hurt them to get back at me, now would ya?

    Rosie, I did the download! Much faster but still can’t find the emoticons.

    I am so looking forward to RHoA tonite. Took some codeine-laced cough syrup so maybe no vodka for me tonite. TK, if it makes u feel any better then I’ll let u know: the AC makes my cough worse.

  25. G said

    Pixie, ahh SoCal, where my husband lives in his other life. Almost made the move there last year. I will spare you only because you put Bryan, BOBL and Mrs. C. up as sacrificial lambs.
    I, too, am excited for tonight’s show. Mostly the part where Phaedra confronts Cynthia. Saw a preview on Bravo, Dwight shows up to Phaedra’s looking like the Mad Hatter on crack to let Phaedra in on all the gossip going on about her pregnancy.

  26. Pixie said

    G, I can’t believe what a shit-stirrer Dwight has turned out to be. Yet, I’m grateful for the entertainment value he will provide.

    Thank u from sparing Bob, Mrs. C and Bryan ..oh, and me…from your righteous wrath!
    I lived in Boston for quite a few years (I realize it’s not as cold as MN) and I couldn’t bear to hear any comments about the SoCal weather from my family during the winter. It would just send me into a rage.

  27. Rosie said

    Hi guys! Should be a good show tonight!
    Pixie.. We don’t have it. You just put it in manually, and the site converts it for you. 🙂

  28. Rosie said

    This: and this )

  29. Rosie said

    Dwight has turned into quite the beotch hasn’t he? Phaedra is all is has left. Once he pisses her off.. Which he will, he’s out.

  30. Mikki12 said

    I didn’t post for a couple of days due to my work schedule and while catching up I see that Dy has left us. That makes me very sad. Dy, hope you’ll come back to us. I miss you all ready.

  31. you are my inspiration , I own few web logs and rarely run out from to post : (.

  32. Loving the info on this website , you have done outstanding job on the content .

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