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Real Housewives of Atlanta – Wikileaks Edition

Posted by tinselkitty on December 6, 2010

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After the stunning success in Alaska, the government has decided to expand its testing of their newest pharmacological innovation on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. This new drug, megalomanidex (brand name Narcisoxx™) has been secretly slipped into the city’s tequila supply. The government scientists behind megalomanidex hope to prove it causes subjects to override normal human defense mechanisms by overblowing the ego to the point of perceived indestructibleness.

Let’s watch and see if they notice.

Re: update on megalomanidex trials

Classification: top secret, not to be distributed

Kim Zolciak, 32 (citation needed)

Kim, appearing oblivious to the new meds, jumps on the phone to whine to Tracy that she has to go see scary, scary Jan and hear her give honest feedback on Kim’s singing. Kim gets Tracy to agree to come to Atlanta for moral support, even though it sounds like Tracy will have to scrape up some money for an airline ticket.

Go on, imagine what's under all that blurry.

Observation of Kim’s habitat shows an abnormal number of self portraits on display. Of particular note is a photo in Kim’s office, a semi-public area of the home, that requires pixilation to be included in this report. As this room was redecorated after study inception, it is concluded that megalomanidex has been at least partially successful with this subject.

For further review – Will need to investigate Kim’s ability to coerce others into doing her favors. Was this ability evidenced prior to dosing? If so, has it been affected by megalomanidex, either positively or negatively (i.e. more convincing in ability or less convincing)?

Given the stunning change in Kim’s vocal abilities when exposed to diamonds, we recommend an independent commission be enacted to investigate the possible uses of this substance. If properly harnessed, this kind of weapon would prove deadly if it were to be discovered by enemy forces.

Sheree Whitfield, 40

Sheree is, by all accounts, an obvious success story for megalomanidex. We may want to consider using her in promotional literature, although she will most likely demand an exorbitant salary plus perks. While this habit appears to prove the drug’s efficacy, it is noted that Sheree has long been very vocal against working without compensation.

Craft fairs are excellent resources for professional, quality signage.

Despite an unfavorable outcome from a recent lawsuit, a foreclosure and a defunct clothing venture, Sheree continues to live “large”, to use street slang. Of particular interest to this commission is her absolute, unwavering belief that she is absolutely entitled to this “large” life, along with her simultaneous refusal to accept real life obstacles. In addition, it appears that Sheree has not only embraced her internal reality as truth but has also embarked upon a mission to convert others to her new vision.

As an example, Sheree’s most recent foray into delusion includes a trip to an area acting coach. Even the sign on the door has no effect on Sheree’s impression of the organization’s legitimacy, and we see her enter the establishment with nary a pause. When Sheree is told of an opportunity to act in an upcoming local play entitled Child Support Man, Sheree believes this to be a play about her ex-husband, Bob Whitfield. Sheree remarks that he’s been doing this role for years already.

Additionally, Sheree believes she can jump into a brand new career without paying any of the dues typically demanded of said field. Where most people assume a salary commensurate with experience, Sheree announces that she needs to be paid grown ass woman scale as she has grown ass bills.

For further review – Is it possible to coax the favor granting effects enjoyed by Kim into this subject? Sheree has yet to be successful in landing a grown ass woman job with grown ass bills pay and it is theorized by this researcher that a marriage of these two personalities would result in a personality utterly devoid of humility but corporately successful.

Cynthia Bailey, 43

Cynthia has thus far maintained a reasonable grasp on her original personality, possibly due to her late addition into the study. We hypothesize that megalomanidex offers cumulative results and that subjects will need to be exposed for several seasons before realizing full effects.

In order to accelerate results, an additional subject, Peter Thomas, has been inserted into the study. Due to Mr. Thomas’s Jamaican heritage, it was relatively easy to convince him to participate in our study, although Homeland Security did have to be called in to leverage the deal. Mr. Thomas has performed admirably in attempting to throw Cynthia off her game but thus far we have been unable to observe our desired outcome. Unless changes are noted soon, we may need to consider removing Cynthia from the study so as not to contaminate the pool.

For further review – Cynthia’s sister, Mallory, seems to be a stabilizing force in her life and thus may need to be removed from the equation in order to facilitate a break through.

Mr. Thomas’s frequent business phone calls appear to be causing chaos between the couple. While this may outwardly seem to be supporting our desired goal, we feel the surrounding security issues need to be addressed. If Cynthia were to discover that these calls are originating from government operatives we may find ourselves with an unwanted PR nightmare.

Kandi Buress, 34

I would have won if I hadn't been wearing those ridiculous shoes.

Kandi has proven very valuable to this study as she comes equipped with several means of quantifying her given ego level. We are able to collect information from her singing career, clothing store, web cast and multiple celebrity appearances. Backed by state of the art data mining technology, we can confidently say that Kandi represents a happy medium with regards to megalomanidex’s efficacy.  In laymen’s terms, Kandi has gotten too big for her britches but not so big that she can no longer wear them, although dressing does require extra time and effort.

Our research also leads us to believe that Kandi would best be utilized in the role of spy. Throughout her relationship with Kim Zolciak, another study participant, Kandi has shown no compunction about talking out of turn about Kim when Kim is out of earshot, all the while maintaining a pleasant façade when the two are together. It is, however, recommended that Kandi be paired with a strong handler as she appears unable to deal with negative emotions in a direct way. Without an outlet for her anger, Kandi is susceptible to enemy manipulations and may turn her back on her allies.

For further review – This researcher has come to the conclusion that Kandi is an irritating bore that can only beat the one drum. In light of this discovery, it is requested that Kandi immediately be reassigned to a junior researcher.

Nene Leakes, 42

Proof that iPads will slowly kill you.

The most polarizing subject in our study has been Nene Leakes. Researchers have gone through a love/hate/like relationship with Nene and this has underscored our need to maintain consistency and objectivity throughout our processes. Nene appears to have suffered from an overdose of megalomanidex last season but has since been stabilized. As a result, Nene has been subject to bouts of depression which have been compounded by her husband’s recent, public displays of assholery. Additional agency resources have been requested to monitor this situation. Nene has also been inserted into the next season of The Apprentice, serving both to remove her from a source of stress while also introducing our program to a new crop of subjects.

Nene has also developed a friendship with Cynthia Bailey and, subsequently, Peter Thomas. Mr. Thomas should be advised that his objective is to create chaos for Cynthia and that Nene is outside the scope of his assignment.

For further review – It is our professional opinion that Nene would benefit from counseling sessions to assist her with the much needed task of eliminating Gregg Leakes from her daily life. Nene’s recent penchant for spending days in bed suggests that her boat has not been fully righted and is most likely continuing to take on water.

Phaedra Parks, 38

Phaedra, our other new subject this season, serves as a counter to Cynthia Bailey’s experience in the study.  Phaedra has been matched with Apollo Nida, recently released from prison on racketeering charges. Apollo’s parole officer had contacted our department in an effort to secure an early release program for Mr. Nida. Apollo was given explicit training and instruction in the role of devoted husband and father and then returned to society with the condition of marriage to Phaedra Parks.

Unfortunately, we are currently unable to classify Phaedra’s recent stupidity. Given the trifecta of marriage, motherhood and filming schedules, it has proven impossible to determine which variable is affecting Phaedra’s intelligence at any particular moment. Additionally, we are forced to admit that these variables may be working together to create myriad combinations as yet unaccounted for. We are also forced to admit that the most feasible way to recoup the agency’s investment is to continue with Phaedra for another season and then compare behavior patterns.

This man may be divulging state secrets as we speak.

For further review – Unnamed sources have confirmed that Mr. Dwight Eubanks, owner of The Purple Door salon in Atlanta, may have stumbled upon the truth regarding Phaedra Parks’ and Apollo Nida’s baby. Mr. Eubanks has been heard around town gossiping as to the paternity of this “alien” baby, even going so far as to talk to Phaedra directly. Our source has promised video in the next week that proves this allegation. While we do not know how Mr. Eubanks came to possess this intel, we forcefully recommend that our agency partners temporarily with the US Air Force to manage this emerging situation. We also request that the US Air Force turn over copies of all documents related to this incident so we may determine not only the harm that may befall our studies but also identify any resulting benefits and areas of additional study.

Megalomanidex Warnings

There may be a slightly increased risk of serious, possibly fatal side effects (such asheart failure, pneumonia, stroke) when this medication is used in elderly patients with dementia. Discuss the risks and benefits of this medication, as well as other effective and possibly safer treatments for dementia-related behavior problems, with your government approved health care facilitator.

If you are using aripiprazole in combination with other medication to treat depression, also carefully read the drug information for the other medication.

Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, vomiting, tiredness, excess saliva/drooling, blurred vision, weight gain, drowsiness and constipation may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your government approved health care facilitator promptly.

Remember that your government approved health care facilitator has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to the US is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects that we report.

Tell your government approved health care facilitator immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: fast/pounding heartbeat, fainting, mental/mood changes (e.g., increased anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts), weakness, feelings of restlessness, mask-like facial expression, shakiness (tremors), muscle spasm/stiffness, trouble swallowing, swelling of the ankles/feet.

Tell your government approved health care facilitator immediately if any of these rare but very serious side effects occur: seizures, signs of infection (such as fever, persistent sore throat, gonorrhea).

This drug may rarely cause a condition known as tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, this condition may be permanent. Tell your government approved health care facilitator immediately if you develop any unusual uncontrolled movements (especially of the face, mouth, tongue, arms or legs).

This drug may infrequently cause a serious (rarely fatal) nervous system disorder (neuroleptic malignant syndrome). Seek immediate medical attention if you notice any of the following rare but very serious side effects: confusion, fever, fast heartbeat, muscle stiffness, increased sweating, change in the amount of urine.

A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction include: rash,itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

This is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your government approved health care facilitator.

In the US – Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects and we will kill you. You may report side effects to FDA if you want to die.

In Canada – Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects and the CIA will shoot you in the head. You may report side effects to Health Canada but again, we will kill you. Why did you leave the country, anyway? We didn’t approve that.


11 Responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta – Wikileaks Edition”

  1. Dani said

    Tinselkitty – You have outdone yourself on this one. Simply put, perfection. Thanks for the read.

  2. What do you mean, Dani? I didn’t write it. I am not at all critical of the government. I am a good patriot.

  3. Dani said

    No no of course you didn’t. I just had a lapse of insanity there. I don’t know what got into me. Forgive me and Hail to the Chief.

  4. KurlyHairedB said

    Hubs and I still laugh about this side effect from some drug that was advertised years ago—CONSTIPATION FOLLOWED BY UNCONTROLLABLE DIARRHEA. Can you imagine? first you can’t poopadoop, then you can’t stop poopadooping.

  5. Pixie said

    Tk, you are up there and I am down here (cuz it’s still all about me.). Hope I’m not starting to come down with megalomanidex.

    Great read!!!

  6. Pixie said

    KHB: maybe Phaedra’s baby has megalomanidex by proxy. Phaedra has the bowel-stopping constipation and the baby has the uncontrollable diarrhea. Poor baby.

  7. Daniela said

    I have to say… that is one cute baby! Apollo is also easy on the eyes.
    Peter is a controlling douche…I’m really disliking him, and I can’t for the life of me figure out Cynthia. She is so worried about commitment, why would she choose a control freak? Controlling men are abusive men…there is no question.

  8. Great recap!

  9. Dy said

    I wanted to knock the freakin stupid out of Peter, how many freakin times did he have to say he didn’t like Cynthia talking to NeNe when he was home??Jesus,Mary,and Joseph, enough already!! The man just likes to hear his Jamacain come out, you catch it alot when he he mad.( Did you hear it when he was on the phone with NeNe, it was full on)
    I thought Phaedra giving Apollo the picture of himself and the baby sleeping was really cute/nice. It was nice to see that side of her. Ayden pooping on her, classic! He is really cute.

    I’m so tired of Kandi whinning and crying about Kim..Lord get over it, it was her own damn fault. By the way the world knows that Kim can’t sing,and until you changed up TRDMAT,i didn’t like it either.

  10. olive the other reindeer said

    TK,,excellent,,excellent,,the part about Sheree going to an acting place where the sign looks like it was bought at a craft fair,,, nothing gets by you,,I applaud u,,,altho I know u didn’t write this,,u wonderful patriot (*wink, wink )

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