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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Recap

Posted by tinselkitty on December 4, 2010

My Mansion’s Bigger Than Your Mansion

Could I be tardier to the party? I am still suffering from a massive mansion hangover and am just now piecing together the parts of last night’s show.

Back in the day, I had a wealthy client that was very irritated with me because he did not get a package of documents I had promised to send. I knew I had mailed his items out the same day that he had requested them. He was so mad at me and I was so mad that he was accusing me of not doing my job. I had sent the package with a signature request so I knew the envelope had arrived at his home. He called me the next week to apologize and tell me he had, indeed, received everything. His housekeeper had put it in a room that wasn’t used. I believe what he actually said was that it was behind a door he’d never opened. I can very clearly remember hanging up the phone and mentally walking through my house. There is not a single place in my home that isn’t used. I have since wondered what it would be like to have a house so large that there were doors in it that I’d never opened. Given my very nosy nature, I assumed this would never happen because I will always open a door if I don’t know what’s behind it, especially if it was my own house.

Last night I got a taste of that life. Holy mother of Flying Spaghetti Monster, I thought Lisa Vanderpump’s house was the pinnacle of awesomesauce. When she said her friend’s house made hers look like a shack, I chuckled and thought to myself “oh, Lisa Vanderpump, how frikken frakken cute are you?” Then my jaw dropped and I woke up three hours later in front of the open refrigerator, cream cheese smashed all over my face and hugging an empty bottle of Malibu rum.

Nope, not it.

As I looked around and assessed my current mental state, I realized that I could not continue this episode without additional fortification. I crawled to the pantry to retrieve a bottle of vanilla vodka and then returned to my favorite spot on the couch, determined to fulfill my journalistic duties and watch the rest of the show.

Rewinding back to the beginning allows me to check out this new-fangled electric contraption that Kim and Kyle voluntarily strap onto their faces. After centering my chi, I released the Google-fu to find out what the hell this was that I was seeing. I learned of a somewhat legitimate sounding microcurrent facial and thought this must be it. But then I saw the photos. This was obviously not what Kim and Kyle had done so back to the keyboard I flew.

How do you scream?

After several search term revisions I stumbled upon this. The Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask. If the picture doesn’t scare you enough you can hit up Infomercial Hell to learn more about this exciting new technology and see the infomercial in all its glory. You can buy one of these suckers on Amazon for the low, low price of $39.99 (don’t forget to pick up a 9-volt battery) and then you can just see yourself right the hell off my blog and find another place to hang out online. I have enough nightmares already without dreaming about random posters coming after me while simultaneously erasing years off their face.

Disclaimer – I’m not saying this is what the sisters had done, but I’ll be damned if I can find anything else remotely similar. Imagine this sucker cut in half and with a bunch of gauze wrapped around the edges. I’ll trust that anyone with more knowledge to share will do so in the comments.

Hey, wasn’t Kyle Richards in Halloween? Am I the only one seeing a similarity here?

My poor bottle of vanilla vodka is getting progressively lighter and we haven’t even had a glimpse of Not Kelsey’s Wife yet. I can feel the icy fingers of fear walking up my spine so I reach around and grab them to chill my next drink, for there she is. She might be able to single handedly keep Kelsey from drinking but she’s doing a crap ass job on my sobriety. Not Kelsey’s Wife is off to the Tony Awards where she expects to win Not Her Award for Not Her Performance in La Cage Aux Folles. It sucks being on loser-cam, yo! Tinselkitty does not approve. No, not a single bit.

She gorgeous for being not a cat.

Back at Maloof mansion, Paul and Adrienne are celebrating their anniversary. Paul’s inadvertently proven what most wives know – put a camera in the house and suddenly your anniversary gets some attention. I kid, I kid! Or not. Whatever. This was a cute scene, but what I really want to talk about is the overall attitude of the Beverly Hills housewives vs. the housewives of every other city. This was something that had been dancing around the edges of my brain for a few weeks but it suddenly fell into place as I watched this episode. Imagine, for a moment, that Joe told Teresa they were going to stay home for their anniversary and then gave her a dog as a gift. That screech of anger isn’t even real but it’s hurting your ears, isn’t it? Teresa would never be satisfied with that scenario. She all but demanded that Joe get her a diamond…er, yellow sapphire…er, costume jewelry.

These women are the first we’ve seen that use their money to make their lives better. Everyone else seems to subscribe to the ‘mo money, ‘mo problems philosophy of net worth.

This episode also marks the first time Taylor’s moved along the Tinselkitty Scale of Indifference. Sure, the last time we saw her she was stirring the pot, but even the threat of going Oklahoma on my ass did little to make me care either way. I finally had a small tug of feeling for her while listening to her talk about Kennedy’s Snowball allergies. She had a point about karma being a bitch, but I don’t think she’d take a puppy away from her daughter just to spite Russell.

The official Tinselkitty Insider Sources™ (the Bravo blogs) have revealed that Paul and Adrienne were unable to keep Luna, the German shepard. Adrienne tells Tinselkitty’s source that Luna has found a great home with the dog trainer and that the Maloof family hopes to bring another dog into the household within the next few months. They are focused on finding a dog who enjoys the noise and chaos of life with three little boys.

I wonder…where they will ever find another dog with a proven tolerance for small children?

Do this more, Kim.

One thing that disappointed me was that Paul chose a dog from Germany instead of one of the many dogs in need of a forever home. To each their own, of course, I just have a soft spot for animal welfare and look forward to a day when animal shelters are no longer needed. Adrienne has a pretty strong history for supporting this cause, though, so they get a pass from me.

Kim’s boobs finally meet their date, Martin, at Mohamed’s party. The best part is that Not Kelsey’s Wife is not there. As we watch the ladies doing normal party things and making normal party conversation, I’m distracted again by the normalcy. These ladies aren’t grouped in a corner obsessing over a perceived slight from some other socialite. No one is mortified that she’s the hostess and her guests are fighting or that someone showed up 13 minutes late or pissed off because someone else asked for a dirty martini with bleu cheese olives and everyone knows that’s her drink. They are just laughing and joking and having a good time while Kyle and Mauricio make out in the corner. They are living well in spite of their money instead of for it. If I was rich I’d want to behave like this, not like Jill or Teresa or Sheree.

Sad panda.

Our ladies end the episode with a Kyle/Taylor heart to heart. Taylor’s unhappy. It’s pretty sad hearing her say some of the things she says. Between her statements to Kyle and the preview for next week, methinks there will be some sort of abuse issue in her past. I hope I’m wrong.

Next week I’m going to make sure I have a can of Easy Cheese on hand. It’s hard to get cream cheese out of your nose.


16 Responses to “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Recap”

  1. Rosie said

    That was a good recap TK.
    I liked this episode with minimum Camille. Of course she managed to sound narcissistic during the few minutes she was on.
    Agree with you about the difference between Teresa and Adrienne. The key is.. Adrienne has real money and is smart enough in this economy to play it down… Teresa has no money, but wants people to think she does.
    Russell creeps me out.

  2. Rosie said

    TK.. I’d like to know where Giggy got the pink cover for the iPad above! I have a black one, and it’s ugly.

    It’s moving day for me. 😦
    The cable people promised to be at the new place by 11:00 am tomorrow (Sunday), so I shouldn’t miss Atlanta or Boardwalk Empire! Yay.

  3. Dani said

    Morning Rosie – Hope you have a good day moving as much as you can for such a task. The best thing about moving is it like spring cleaning. Think of it that way and you will be far ahead of everyone else.

    Tinselkitty – I agree about Taylor. She usually just leaves me bleh but I did feel for her. I know she chose her bed but she does appear to be suffering and I never wish ill to anyone. Now Camille, I wish would just go away. I am yet to find a redeeming quality that she possesses.

  4. olive the other reindeer said

    Good luck Rosie,,Hi Dani,,And Tinsel Kitty,,,TK i so agree with you about adopting an animal from s a shelter,,,when we were kids ,,we were foster homes for kittens and now my brother and his fiance are doing the same,,,,I thought right away I hope that German Shepherd has been trained very well,,because of the small children,,but it was a gorgeous dog,,sadly Paul didn’t think if it would be the right choice for his family.
    The dinner party was one of the best episodes and I really think because NKW was not included…I saw an interview where NKW said Kelsey was narcissistic,,OMG,,the pot calling th4e kettle black,,,,,
    I agree with Rosie,,Russell creeps me out,,the NY trip,,and Russel is at home with Kennedy,,he kinda’ gives a smile in the camera ,and all I think of,,was when they were in Vegas,,Russell sneaked away to commit unspeakable crimes,,,kiddinggggggggg It was funny when Lisa met him and laughed ,,expecting a big handsome Texas cowboy as Taylor had told her…..still laughing over that one,,,I mean Paul is not the handsomest guy,,but I like him,,I like his playfulness,,,how it’s so easy for him to give another man a compliment…( the model who was in the pictures with Adrienne and Nick)…
    TK all I could think of during the Richards sisters facial is Hannibal Lecter,,,( I won’t get kicked off TK’s site,cuz I agree with her ) haha Off topic,,there is a chemical they are using n mice to reverse the aging process,,I can see a truck loads of it being delivered all round Real Housewife world…

    I’m sorry Taylor..the best word you used is indifference,,,I feel that is worse than loathing cause I could give a shite about her…evil Olive…

    Excellent article as usual…Kia should be calling anytime,,
    You can gowith this ,,or you can go with that! Zip zop zipptay!

  5. Pixie said

    TK, you have outdone yourself with this recap! I, too, have been driven to the freeze on a vodka hunt from watching RH. Love the part about how NKW is doing nothing for your sobriety.

    I really hope Taylor takes Kennedy to an allergist to make sure it’s the dog that she’s allergic to since Snowball is a hypoallergenic breed. I never even heard the doctor ask what kind of dog it is or offer a referral to an allergist or even offer a blood test for IgE! Of course this could be the editing. But it seemed like Taylor laid out an ironclad case for the doc that Snowball is the cause, cuz she wants to get back at Russell. BTW, can’t stand Russel. His eyes look like snake eyes, like they don’t have regular eyelids. I think he is SO unattractive.
    Hi, Dani!
    Hi, Rosie! That pink case is to die for! Good luck with the move & purge!
    Hi, Ollie (Oliver)! Hope u are doing well.

  6. KurlyHairedB said

    Ok, I have got to go and get new glasses. I read this line “As I looked around and assessed my current mental state, I realized that I could not continue this episode without additional fortification.” and I thought it said “fornication” not “fortification”. I thought to myself, damn this recap is gonna be awesome. Even without the fornication, it was still a great recap.

  7. Rosie, Amazon has a bunch of pink covers –

  8. olive the other reindeer said

    Hi Pixie…I’m still fighting the insurance company,,they will not even return my calls,,so I went on a tirade,,yesterday…The Cleveland Clinic is one of the best renown hospitals in the country,,,a lot of foreign dignitaries have gone there for procedures,,,I will not be treated as insignificant..

    Sorry,,,just pretty P.O’d by them not even having the courtesy to return my calls,

  9. Ok, screw the Easy Cheese, I think I need to take KHB’s suggestion for next week’s episode! Looking forward to it already. Hope it’s a super sized jobbie!

  10. Pixie said

    So sorry, Olive. Some of those stinking insurance companies suck. You have every right to go on a tirade. Wonder if your local newspaper might want to a human interest story about you. Insurance companies tend to hate bad press. I really hope they call you back and end up listening to reason.

  11. Dy said

    I think Kim is a drinker and a smoker,she has the look,and voice.It doesn’t make her a bad person,it’s just an observation of mine.
    Love Adrienne’s and Paul’s relationship, they bust each others cajonnes,and they get each other. Lisa and Ken totally love and respect each other. Kyle and Mauricio love each other and will always work hard at their marriage.I’ve said it before and I will say it again Russell does not care about Taylor.

  12. Daniela said

    Hi Dy: Glad to see you’re back! 🙂

    @5 Pixie: I thought the same thing with that puppy. I think Taylor was pissed because Snake Eyes bought the dog for Kennedy. Seriously that rash didn’t have the look of hives. When my older two were young, one had bad allergies and we were told to look at dogs that were less likely to cause allergies. Like maltese, yorkie’s, bichon’s, bouvier’s…dogs like that. Snowball looks like a maltese.
    ps…Russell is unattractive, but Taylor is too. Way too much plastic surgery.

    Call your local newspaper. Even if you have to write a letter to the editor, put your story out there. You may get some results, you never know unless you try. Good luck, hon!

  13. olive the other reindeer said

    Thank u Pixie,,Thank You Daniela,,,they are making a fortune off me,,,I think they think I’m going to lay down and quit ,,but I am more determined ,,,so the letter is a great idea,,thank u!

  14. LWoo said

    Nice recap! 🙂

  15. BobLHead said

    DY!!!!!! Baby, you’re back!

    Excellent recap! I didn’t get to watch the show as my boys decided to record every single Avatar-The Last Airbender cartoon known to man and completely blew up my DVR! Heads were rolling! Geez, cartoons? Really? Can’t you just watch them on Saturday AM like a good little boy?

  16. olive the other reindeer said

    uh oh,,,Bobl,,,for the love of all that’s holy,,do not put your boys in the sweat shop….kidding

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