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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap à Deux

Posted by tinselkitty on November 29, 2010

I Had To Do One, Too!

Our ladies kick off this week’s supersized episode with Kandi at her shop for an episode of Kandi Koated Nights.

Kandi shares the news that Nene’s landed a gig as an entertainment reporter on 11 Alive. Nene looks so proud and happy and then Kandi tells everyone that Nene isn’t adventurous and she only likes to receive in the bedroom. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen Nene squirming. Does squirming make your freak number go up or down?

Sheree says she’s tried a couple things and laughs uncomfortably.  Sheree says her freak number is 9 ½ .

Kandi wants to know who takes the golden showers.  She just likes to try all kind of things!

Kandi says Kim’s next up and Kim whips around with a nasty look on her face and her nose all scrunched up.  Kim says they play with toys and that anal is okay so Kandi pegs her a 7.  Thankfully, Kim’s already let us know that if Poppa ever tried to pee on her, so help her Jesus, he wouldn’t have a peepee to pee out of.   I’m sure Poppa’s wife is very pleased to hear that at least Poppa’s not peeing around on her.

“Anal is disgusting!” Nene says she was raised in the south and you don’t talk about that stuff out loud.  Kandi gives her an underwhelming 3.  Kim defends her friend by saying no, she’s probably a 43 but was downplaying it.  Thanks, Kim! Way to help Nene downplay something.

Cynthia gives herself a 6.

Obama wants you to pull your pants up, fool.

These are some pretty low scores but Kandi is prepared to save the day. Out comes Mr. Luscious and his friend.  Kim’s pretty happy with her front row seat for the shucking of the leopard stretch pants.  Mr. Luscious grabs Sheree and tries to dance with her. I don’t blame Sheree.  Dude’s got a great body but how can you enjoy the show when you’re stripper’s panties are hanging halfway down, plumber style?

Pause here for a quick review of male stripper rules:

  1. They always go after the one woman that is totally mortified.
  2. They always wear either a hat or a vest, sometimes both

Mr. Luscious ends the dance with the full monty, popping the sock off to much amazement. I don’t recall ever seeing a sock “pop”, but then again, I’ve never seen Mr. Luscious. Once again I can tell I’m old because I was worried about the people outside that might be passing by the store at that moment, what with that socking popping off in full view of those big ass glass windows.

Cynthia and Peter have begun wedding prep and are visiting The Legendary Event to talk plans with Tony Conway, celebrity event planner.  Cynthia has her stylist, Kithe Brewster in tow. Cynthia has to be the least involved bride ever, preferring to leave all of the details to high-as-a-Kithe.  Usually a laid back bride makes for a happy event planner but I am sure Kithe’s inner bridezilla will be busting forth soon in a blaze of silver and chocolate, shooting Alvin Ailey dancers and elements of surprise out his butt at every turn.

I just made a teeny little fart.

A quick flit about the web tells me that this guy (finally) is legit.  He has an actual resume with actual big names and whatnot.  I’m not sure what to make of his Twitter profile, though.

“Kithe Brewster is one of the most prolific fashion minds in the industry today.”

What does that mean? He thinks a lot? He also has a MySpace page, a resume at Krop and a YouTube video of an interview with Bluefly about his work with Beyonce.

Somewhere in Atlanta, Dwight has donned his most dapper frippery and crawled into a hole to rock back and forth while sucking his thumb, mourning the loss of his top party gay tiara and drunk dialing husbands all over the city.  He lost $30,000 somewhere, damnit, and eventually he’s gonna figure out who he gave it to.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Nene is on her way to see a divorce attorney. This is the reality show circle of life – a wedding must be counterbalanced by a divorce, lest the space-time continuum be torn asunder, creating gravitational patterns stronger than the most potent Beverly Hills botox.  Nene’s friend Diana is taking her to Randy Kessler, Atlanta’s celebrity divorce attorney.  Christ on a cracker, this guy has a Twitter account, too.  Who signs up for this?

The seriousness of Nene’s situation is laid bare by her decision to talk to an attorney.  Thinking about divorce is one thing, but the actual first step of going to talk to a lawyer makes it very real.  This is typically the biggest emotional hurdle for someone contemplating divorce.  I found myself even more sad for her when she tells us that she isn’t fully on board with going through with a divorce and she is hoping that by filing this motion it will make Greg sit up and take notice.  Nene’s just in a bad spot.

Continuing the reality show circle of life, Kim’s driving Brielle to her sexy, flirty jeweler dude to buy Brielle an abstinence ring.  Brielle has spent her short 13 years on this earth learning how to manipulate someone into buying her jewelry. She even threw in some STD references just to make sure Kim’s OMG radar is up and the pump is primed. Just think, if she had kept to the straight no sex argument, she might have just gotten a small band or something with trashy stones like emeralds or sapphires. Not our girl! Take a lesson, peeps – gonorrhea and Chlamydia can get you diamonds.

Kim then wins the under-the-radar WTF moment for the night with her comment about Arianna, age 8, coming out of the womb looking for a man. Kim’s thinking she might have to go ahead and buy her a ring now but I would like to cast a vote for immediate therapy for this child.  I hope to FSM that Arianna had a normal school day today and didn’t have to listen to people talking about this incredibly careless remark.

In a shocking twist, Kandi heads off to her studio to bitch and moan some more to her crew about Kim. Who would have thought that Kandi was still bitter about Tardy to the Party? Why, this is the first I’ve heard of it! In the last five minutes, maybe. For farks sake, Kandi, be pissed and don’t work with her anymore or let it go. I am growing increasingly weary of you. Perhaps you don’t understand my frustration so let me give you an image of how I see you these days…

Sexy sex sex sex
Kim didn’t pay me
Kim didn’t pay me
Sexy sex sex sex
I’m celibate for a year
Sexy sex sex sex
Sexy sex sex sex
Kim didn’t pay me
Kim didn’t pay me
Sexy sex sex sex
Kim didn’t pay me
Gonna buy my mom a dildo
Sexy sex sex sex
Kim didn’t pay me
Kim didn’t pay me
Sexy sex sex sex

Does that help you out? I gotta agree with Kim on this one. Please go have some sex. Really, I don’t want to see you again until you get shagged backwards through a hedge.

Captain Obvious tells Kandi that Kim is dogging on the new song because she’s scared of it. Kandi lights up again with her rant about how they put in so much effort and work in making Kim sound good on Tardy for the Party so Kim should just trust them.  At this point I’m starting to doubt Kandi’s ability to objectively discuss her own talent.  I’ve heard Tardy for the Party.  If that’s the end result of you busting your ass, Kandi, I’m not impressed.  It was so obviously auto-tuned and even then it couldn’t cover the…er…raw, untrained quality that Kim brought to the table.  You keep saying it was a big hit but I’ve never, ever heard it anywhere outside Bravo.

The exact opposite of gross.

Whatever, back to the circle of life we go.  Phaedra and Apollo are finally on their way back from the hospital, Apollo apparently having won the fight on whether or not the baby is going to go with them.  Phaedra must have a few good lawyering skills to wrangle an extra week out of the insurance company. She even managed to get the hospital staff to bathe her. Or there was a weirdo cruising the halls looking for a strange woman to bathe. In these days of managed care, I’m going to say the latter option is more realistic.

As I am a good Housewife viewer, I watched last week’s episode before this week’s, so Phaedra’s delivery was fresh in my noggin. Ew. But it did allow me to hear her doctor specifically say that they’d been trying all night to deliver but since she wasn’t progressing past 6 centimeters they were going to do a C-section. I just don’t think Phaedra can tell time. She claimed in her blog that she was in hard labor for three days. Her parents are preachers; maybe they use a different calendar than we do. Perhaps in their house they adhere to the Julian calendar.

How many of us think this pregnancy was accidental? Good, we’re all on board. Phaedra sure comes across as someone that didn’t want kids, don’t she, Joe? Now she’s got this baby (frowny face) and she’s chained to it. Such loving, motherly words that little Ayden will surely appreciate having on high quality film. It will make his therapist visits much easier. When he is asked about his relationship with his mom he can just pop in a DVD.

I do want to pause and mention how great a job Apollo is doing on his work release program. The court is going to be very agreeable to allowing him to return to society after seeing him toil so diligently and without complaint, even though his sponsor is hell on wheels. He has absolutely gone over and above the call of duty. This better be over and above. I don’t care what he did, impregnating, marrying and carrying Phaedra Parks up the stairs is a punishment no criminal, no matter how vicious, should be forced to endure. We’re not a third world country, people. We be civilized. How else to explain baby outfits crocheted by Oprah’s crochetist? Civilized!

Blam! Damn, there are bombs dropping all over this episode.  Another one just went off with Nene telling us she was a virgin until 19. What’s the verdict, peeps? Real bomb or smoke bomb? Doesn’t matter because Nene’s talking smack about Kim’s parenting style. She’s right, of course, but dang! Bet Kim was pissed to hear that tidbit. It’s okay, Kroy will fetch her a glass of wine and a ciggy and she’ll be fine.

Can you imagine how big it'd be if she'd mentioned herpes?

After the girls are sent off to bed, Nene and Kim sit down to discuss Nene’s relationship with Poppa. Whoops, I mean Greg. Sorry about that. I got all confuzzled there for a second trying to follow the conversation. Kim can whip any discussion back to her in a snap, can’t she? Okay, back to Greg.  Nene’s filed the divorce paperwork and it caused a huge ass fight, ending with Greg refusing to talk to her at all. Greg’s stock is going down faster than Danielle on a guy with a camera crew. Bazinga!

Fans of Kim’s dad are really getting a bonus this year. They might as well put him on the opening credits. Is he our first official Housewife dad? I think he is! Oh, Kim’s mom is there, too, but no one really wants to see her, even Brielle, who runs to grandpa to show off her abstinence ring. I’ll admit it. I was weirded out by that. Why so important to tell grandpa but not grandma? At least I know my college psychology class wasn’t a total waste of money since I still remember daddy issues.

Kandi arrives with her daughter, mom and aunt. Joyce has brought a better than sex cake which causes Kim’s mom to get her ghetto on. It must have been the cake, right? It wasn’t because Joyce is black, right?

And finally we get to the call. This call is so explosive that we must cut back and forth between Kim and Kandi listening to the audio and Lawrence filling Sheree in on the juicy deets. If they hadn’t done that, Bravo might have had a few viewer casualties on their hands. Kandi uses her super secret insider music biz knowledge to declare that Greg didn’t know this was being taped.

And then Poof! Kyle wasn't afraid to fly anymore.

Over at the gym, Lawrence wraps up his faux concern over the Leakes marriage and the kickboxing begins. I am adding to my When I’m Rich list. When I’m Rich, I will have my very own gay who will come to the gym with me and do jazz hands while I’m punching a hot dude. That, my friends, is what I like to call motivation. I would absolutely get my ass to the gym every day if jazz hands were involved.  Hell yeah.

I bet if Kim’s dad goes to the gym he plays Tardy for the Party the whole time he’s on the treadmill. He cranks it up every morning and it gets him going. See, Phaedra, this is what parenting is about. Kim’s dad listens to Tardy for the Party EVERY DAMN DAY. You gonna listen every day when Ayden releases a craptastic gay anthem? I think not.

Kim’s mom must be sick of listening to Tardy for the Party every day because she starts grilling Kandi on when another song will be ready. Poor Kim’s mom. Kandi says it’ll be soon and tells Kim she’s got a new cut for her to listen to. Kim, quickly realizing that if her parents hear Kandi’s version of a song before she records it then it will mean they have something to compare her singing to, declares it a private moment and heads out to the car with Kandi to give it a listen. Heads begin bopping and we all breathe a sigh of relief that Kim approves.

Kim takes the opportunity to explain to Kandi that her first song was a Bethenny – down here – and she wants her second song to be a Kelly – up here. Understandable. Who wouldn’t want a Kelly as their #2? Doesn’t matter, though, because Kandi’s still got her celibate panties in a bunch about Kim not trusting her. See, Kandi, I’m parting ways with you again on this one. Just because Kim didn’t like the first version of the song doesn’t mean she didn’t trust you. If she didn’t trust you she’d be in your face every day, telling you how to rewrite the song. Kim didn’t do that. She said she didn’t like it the first time around and now she does. She trusted you to do your magic that you’re always reminding her you do.

Sheree and Tiy-e practice the Kelly/Donna hand clasp from the Beverly Hills 90210 opening credits. She's going to be ready for the next dance contest, damnit.

Sheree heads off to dump Dr. StrangeLove. Sorry, StrangeLove. Sheree’s not using the Dr. anymore. Tiy-e must have had an inkling of what was up since we learn that Sheree hadn’t bothered to make any time for him until now. Honestly, he could do better than Sheree, anyway. Sheree doesn’t even do baby talk with his kid on the phone, like good, nurturing women do. I don’t know who the hell she thinks she is, talking to a nine year old all proper like. Bitch. And she expects to be fed? High maintenance bitch. That’s what she is. Not that we know she’s a bitch because she was too bitchy to prove her female status. Fussy, high maintenance bitch. I mean, come on. Tiy-e had papers at the ready to prove his doctor status. What did Sheree have ready to whip out? Nothing. That’s right, nothing. The winner of this round is obviously Tiy-e. Just like Camille, he walked off and refused to engage further, thus proving his superior status.

Pssst, Sheree, whoever did your boob make up on your talking head interview right there did an awesome job. You might want to talk to that person about doing more work for you.

Cubicle life has finally accepted Nene into its cold, beige, death grip and Nene reports for duty at Channel 11. First days are always hard and I think we can all empathize, no? And just when I think I can’t like Nene anymore, she gives us an excellent example of how to treat your IT people. This is how you do it. Nice and friendly and make sure you know his name and don’t be a douche. Nene, I promise that will come back to help you out someday.

What a shit ass horrible way to discover something as inflammatory as Greg’s recorded call. At your first day at a new job, trying to get accustomed to the track pad, feeling all nervous anyway and then getting a slap in the face like that. There was a very brief moment when the cameras caught fear and anger in her eyes but she covered it well. Much better than I would have. I also thought it was admirable that she addressed it head on with her boss and didn’t try to cover it up. She should have gotten more credit for that.

Then, just when you think it can’t get any worse, she finds out that her contract carries a clause that allows her to be fired if her image is trashed. Yeah, she’s got to manage her image but what could she possibly have done about this? She can’t get out in front of it if she doesn’t know about it. I also call bullshit on dogs not barking at parked cars. They do.

This is a good thing, Nene.

Oooooh, Greg’s in trouble now. Nene’s got the transcript of the call and she’s pissed. She doesn’t even get all the way in the door before she starts hollering at him. And what does Greg say when confronted with this? “Okay. This wasn’t part of the interview.” Wait, what? That’s your response? No apology? No contriteness? You’re going to blame it on the interviewer? Your dumb ass spoke out of turn in a very hateful manner to someone you didn’t really know and it’s not your fault? At least he admitted he exaggerated the $300,000.

Nene does me proud and doesn’t let him off easy. As far as I’m concerned she could still be yelling at him and I’d be good with it. She is right, she has presented a united front. We didn’t know last year that they were having problems. We just knew we didn’t like Nene like we used to like her in season 1. Now that we know what was going on, I’m even more impressed that she never blamed her personality change on Greg or even intimated that she was having marital issues.

Greg comes home with the runner-up WTF of the evening. “I know you’re so close to being done and there have to be some immaculate fibers holding you here.” Then he follows it up with “thank you for your time”. What? Are you having a stroke, Greg? Do you think she’s your shoe salesperson and she just went in back to see if they have your size in the black loafer? Wait, where are you going? Thank you, Nene, for running after him and not leaving me hanging like that.

And scene. I don’t know about y’all but I’m drained. I’m glad they decided to show a Beverly Hills rerun after WWHL last night because I would have watched it again. I didn’t like Kandi on WWHL because she kept beating the same not having sex/not getting paid drum and, unlike her, I’m over it. Andy Cohen just creeped me out. At least Adrienne’s going to be on the next WWHL.


21 Responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap à Deux”

  1. Oy Vey said

    Afternoon everyone! Hope the Thanksgiving weekend was good for y’all.
    OK I think I have to start watching Atlanta. I never watched this one for some reason, but maybe I need to start. They seem crazy. But then again I know everything thats going on because you guys do such a great job on the recap. I’m a scared to watch that Phedra person, I might have to go bitch slap her. 3 days of hard labor my ass. I was in labor with my son for 3 freaking months, took pills every 4 hours to stop the contractions. She really needs to look up what she wants to lie about, that way she might sound semi convincing when she opens her mouth. ugh!

  2. Bryan said

    Look at this…………

  3. Rosie said

    Hi Bryan, thanks for the link. You’ve scooped everyone! Omg! That guy must have some kind of sports related brain damage!!

  4. Rosie said

    Wow TK a recap part deux.
    I so agree about that careless and clueless remark Kim made about Arianna coming out of the womb looking for a man. That poor child!

  5. BobLHead said

    I wanted to smack the “Love Doc” in the face, what an ass! Smug piece of shit! I’m not a Sheman fan, but damn…she held it together pretty good, considering.

    And frankly, Greg was lucky to get away with his balls still attached. What a jerk! Poor Nene!

  6. BobLHead said

    Oh….and a $3000 ring to keep your legs together? What the hell was Kim thinking? Oh, wait….never mind.

  7. LWoo said

    LMAO @ “Phaedra and Apollo are finally on their way back from the hospital, Apollo apparently having won the fight on whether or not the baby is going to go with them.” Thumbs up on that one!!!

  8. LWoo said

    @ 5 Bob: OMG, I SO agree! I would’ve smacked the shit out of Tike-e! But I liked how Sheree made that dig, “I didn’t think so” in there! That was hilarious. I had to rewind that one on the DVR!

    I blame Sheree on that one, though. The guy was only on my TV screen and I could tell he was a sheista (phony man trying to be more than what he is)! They put on that phony charm, but every word is a lie. He proved that when he was so sweet and ‘gentleman-like’ at first, then said that a woman should know when to shut up! LOL!! NOW we know what his problem is! I could see him from a mile away– even though the shine on his head helped.

    I feel so bad for Nene- going to through a divorce. However, it’s her choice to go through it on TV. Still, we only hear about the other housewives’ divorces after the cameras stop rolling. We’re seeing everything with Nene. I felt her pain. I think I would’ve tackled Gregg, though- after he made the comment about being done. How the hell is he going to ‘communicate’ to a stranger, but he can’t communicate to his wife?! What an asshole! Now we know.

  9. Pixie said

    LWoo, I thought Gregg seemed like a near perfect husband in season 1. What a POS, he turned out to be. I couldn’t believe him telling Nene, “Thank you for your time.”. What an insulting thing to say to your own wife.
    And then stinking TYee, saying sometimes women just need to shut up. Why did he have to make it about all women and not just about Sheree? He must think he’s the mouthpiece for all men. Delusional turd.

    TK, do you know whether Kim would lose all that alimony if she marries Kroy?

  10. Pixie, she’d have to, right? Doesn’t alimony only last as long as the ex-wife remains unmarried? If I was Kim I’d be staying engaged for a long ass time, especially since Kroy’s damn near poverty level. I hear he only makes $380,000 a year. They should definitely apply for food stamps after the baby comes.

  11. olive the other reindeer said

    yep,,,I was thinking the same thing,,if Kim marries Kroy..she loses her alimony,,,,Where the hell is Kroy’s agent…or his family and friends telling him to run from the skank….I still think the dumbass was so hapy that a woman paid attention to him,

    TYee needed to get his scrotum busted,,I mean what a wanker…I gotta’ google him,,,I used to watch Ricki Lake a lot but don’t remember him

    all of your posts are so great and so true

    Olive the other reindeer aka RINR

  12. Mikki12 said

    Hi Guys! Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I haven’t been around for a few days because the laptop is being repaired. I can’t access this site from my job computer because my job blocks “social networking” sites, unfortunately. So here I am on this old, dinosaur of a desk pc that is still in the 20th century. Anyway, I enjoyed this Atlanta episode. So glad that fake Dr Ty-e was exposed for what he really is. What I don’t understand is why the hell he even agreed to be on the show. Did he really think his past wouldn’t come out? You can say what you want about Kim but she certainly gets what she wants. Marries a rich guy for a couple of years and gets a ton of alimony and child support. Has a relationship with Big Pappa until his money runs out and then hooks up with a football player and gets pregnant. This pregnancy will certainly keep her on the show. Kim really manages to keep herself from becoming boring. As we know “boring” will end your run on the show. Just ask De Shawn or Lisa. I’m getting a little tired of Cynthia and the wedding plans. Phaedra and Apollo’s baby was cute as a button. In some ways I have to tip my hat to Phaedra. This is her first season with the show and I’m sure it won’t be her last. She must have taken lessons from Kim because she’s another one who is not boring. Annoying – yes. Boring – no. I do wish Kandi would shut up about this money Kim allegedly owes her. Move on all ready! Does anyone know if NeNe is actually divorcing Gregg? I haven’t read or heard anything more about it.

  13. LWoo said

    @ 12: Hi, Mikki!

    On Kandi. She needs to stop with the passive-aggressiveness. If she has an issue with the money, she should tell Kim and end it- instead of snipping about it in her interviews.

    @ 11: I wonder if Kroy’s family even knew about Kim. Oops! Kim’s not going to marry that dude. I know her ex-husband is PISSED!

  14. Rosie said

    @ Mikki.. Hi. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving too!
    I like Cynthia, but her wedding storyline is getting dull. Oh, agree about Kim! She has perfect timing with her men and babies for support!

    @LWoo & Mikki..
    I agree with both of you about Kandi. She is the pro, and knew she wasn’t doing business as usual with Kim and let all the paperwork slide. She did a nice thing for Kim, but you can’t go back and badmouth the person for it. Kandi knew better, and needs to just suck it up and stop discussing it!!

  15. Nancy P said

    Who is Kim’s ex husband?

  16. Rosie said

    @13. LWoo
    What’s the story on Kim’s ex?

  17. olive the other reindeer said

    Cynthis could have married Leon and settling for Peter,,,I was like Girl..what is wrong with you? the runaway bride has been over done,,,,

  18. Mikki12 said

    Hi LWoo! Hi Rosie! I think I’d rather eat ground glass than use this old computer. Talk about slooow. But it’s better than nothing for now. Rosie, how’s the moving going? Another thing about Kandi this season, which is getting a bit tiring, is all she seems to be doing is plugging her career. Nothing wrong with that but I’d like to see something else going on. Even her radio show is coming from her store. Another plug for one of her career ventures. I’m glad Kandi has a clothing store but since I won’t be shopping in Atlanta anytime soon let’s move on. Sheree doesn’t have all that much going on but, at least, she’s been funny as hell. I know that Kim’s ex-husband is a rich guy from Connecticut. I saw his name but can’t remember it to save my life. I suppose if she does marry Kroy she’ll lose the alimony but not the child support. Knowing Kim she won’t give that up. She is one smart cookie when it comes to money matters.

  19. Mikki12 said

    @ 17 Olive: Can you believe that Leon is only 2 years younger than Peter? Leon is 48 and Peter claims to be 50. I think he looks more like 60! I don’t know what Cynthia sees in this guy unless she is looking for a father-figure. He could pass for her grandfather.

  20. olive the other reindeer said

    I knew Leon had to be older,,cuz I remember him in the Madonna video,,when I was a kid,,,,But she had to have been with Leon when he looked good,,( he’s not bad now) I agree,,,the way Peter proposed,,what a nightmare,,and then puts the ring on the wrong hand….bad juju…I do not see what Cynthia sees in him,,,I mean when he said that crap to NENE that maybe that’s why there is trouble at home because she isn’t so into sex,,,he really crossed the line on that one,,,,

  21. Rosie said

    Hi Mikki! The movers are coming on Sat. This place looks like a bomb hit it. I haven’t even started Christmas shopping, either! I just want to get all this stuff to the new place and put a Christmas tree up. Stat!
    I’ve always liked Kandi, but she is acting like one big infomercial. I think all HW brands should be kept off the show. Let them pay for advertising like everyone else!

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